Posted in Categorize Me!

DAMN YOU TAXES!!

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

Today is Sunday, April 13th.

I have two more days to do my taxes.

Today I did not do a damn thing. I woke up, ate, and went back to sleep. Then I woke up again, watched “Inside the Actor’s Studio” (I primarily wanted to watch Bernadette Peters sing “Sunday in the Park (or in french “parque”) with George”, a song I absolutely love, especially when when my extremely talented ex-roommate used to sing it (she’s fucking GOOOD) )) Then I went to sleep again, as I heard A&E talk about John Travolta and how Quentin Tarantino hired him for Pulp Fiction drone on in the background. I woke up again and called my friend John in Massachusetts to talk about the upcoming road trip/wedding that we are going on at the end of April. Of course, we both like conversation so we ended up talking about everything but, but I love talking to John, so the ramblings were well worth. What’s much more exciting is that he now has an online journal. If anyone is a funnier writer than I, it would be John. But, of sake of his privacy (I’m not sure how much he wants) I will not put his link up.

Other than sleeping the day away (something you have to do sporadically) I kept looking at my tax forms and my car manual.

Yup, I read the car manual instead. SHEESH!!!

Posted in Categorize Me!

pretentious

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

Too bad I can’t draw one for you because my composition would probably kick ass.

Anyway, I went over to my friend’s friend’s place (does that make sense? A friend of a friend) because I left my friend’s scarf there at a festivity last weekend and she wanted it back. Well, what I thought would be a stop by and pick up turned into a sit-down discussion for a bit. After leaving, though and replaying the events in my head, I thought “my god, they must think I’m a pretentious asshole!”

They were talking about a movie that is coming out called “Better Luck Tomorrow” which is a Sundance film that got bought by MTV productions. THe commercials look really good. However, my friend Nina know the people who made the film and she sent me an email from the lead actor trying to convince us to watch him (I think I”ll post it up sometime later) and we were talking about it and I said “Yeah, I know the lead actor!” and started talking about film, NYU, and sundance and things of that matter.

But, in retrospect, they must’ve of thought “what a pretentious bitch” because I kept going on and on about it. Which leads me to think, that I got to stop that shit and shut up about film. Nobody cares what you think or how you miss your film school days (This is me talking to myself). The thing is, when I was in that environment, we ate, slept, and breathed film 24/7 and so I was used to it and my peers were used to it.

But, now I’m in San Diego and I have to be careful because sometimes passion can be miscontrued as being haughty about a subject. I think I’m suffering from film conversation withdrawal and am trying to find appropriate people to relate to. However, sometimes that’s ALL they talk about. I need somebody to relate to basically.

Without looking like a pretentious prick.

But, what about the conflict of being true to yourself? I guess I shouldn’t care right?

on another note, I confessed that I think I might have feelings for a guy. I got rejected (WA-HOO!) but when he rejected me, I didn’t feel very bad about it…which leads me to think that 1. I don’t really care or 2. I’ve been rejected so much that I don’t know HOW to feel rejected anymore. I suppose it’s probably a combination of both. I was talking about rejection in general with my friend Cooper and he says “well, that just shows what type of person you are. People who set themselves for rejection have self-confidence in themselves because they can take it.” Does this mean that I am over self-confident because it I didn’t mind much? Hmmm…

Posted in Categorize Me!

a conspiracy I tell you!

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

You know what I’ve always wanted to do? I’ve always wanted to conspire with a guy and get on that show “Blind Date” and like have the worse date EVER. I think it would be quite amusing. Either that or be the most disgusting girl ever and the guy (the one who I am conspiring with) who totally be into it, but he would be this clean cut guy with a dirty fetish.

so what’s been going on? I’m actually at that point where I have so much to say that I’m overwhelmed, thereby I guess I will say nothing at all.

Speaking of which, I went movie crazy last weekend and saw three movies and now I’m a broke ass. It was well worth it though. On Friday I saw Head of State. It essentially was Chris Rock standup on film…but I love Chris Rock standup so it didn’t bother me. On Saturday I saw “A Man Apart”…the new Vin Diesel flick with Tyler and Kay. I have to say, when I first saw Vin Diesel, I didn’t like him too much…but the more Vin Diesel (I HIGHLY DOUBT that’s his rea name) I see in movies, the more I liked him. He was pretty good in this flick, in comparision to other action flicks in general, so my standards are not that high. However, A Man Apart is also directed by F. Gary Gray, who also did The Negotiator (with Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson) and I really liked that film..hmm..I should get it.

And the best movie I saw the whole weekend, by myself (for fun), was OLD SCHOOL with Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell. DUDES!!! If you have not seen that movie, go see it RIGHT NOW. It’s FUCKING HILARIOUS. I absolutely loved it. That, and Will Ferrell is my boyfriend.

On a different note, for your entertainmet value, I went to a party a couple weekends ago which was really fun. But, I think what stood out were the games. The party I went to was primarily male (It was, if I recall, a celebration in honor of one of their compatriots getting vision. I believe he got Lasik surgery. The party was dubbed “Matt can see” party and everyone wore glasses (I wore them by default of course) and played any song with the word “eyes”…i.e. Lost in Your Eyes, All Eyez on Me …etc)

anyway,although all the games were highly entertaining, the one I found the most entertaining (in my personal opinion) was cum shot.

Yes, cum shot

Basically, the collective of guy sit in a circle and it’s a high/low card game. Each guy is given a card and whomever has the highest card got to cum on the guy with the lowest card. But, it wasn’t actually jacking off or anything. They used a lotion botttle to squirt the low card guy’s face.

However, for more spice, I suppose, the guy with the high card got to pick the position the guy would have to take it and then the high card guy would indicate what the low card guy had to say when he was about to take it.

Example:

High: Doggy style

Low card guy gets on all fours.

High:Say “Your cum is so warm and smooth. I love it how it goes down my throat.”

Low: Your cum is so warm and smooth. I love it how it goes down my throat.

SQUIRT (in the face)

And it’s just so degrading to see all these guys with white substance on their faces. Hee hee hee.

If anything, it just made me miss MY guy friens on the East coast.

I only have, really, two here in the west coast (not counting cooper because he’s up in frisco) Wilbur and Tyler. And Tyler has a girlfriend. I can’t be hanging out with Wilbur ALL the time. He seems to have limit on conversational fodder. So..what’s the solution? FInd more guy friends. How do I do that without looking like a retard/slut? Hmmm…

Posted in Topical

succumb to the cell phone

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

I think I might have to succumb to having a cell phone. This blows.

I got five or six phone calls on Saturday when I went out to the North County mall. Of course, when I return to my abode and return all the phone calls, nobody was home. Damnit! I bet there was a party or an outing to be had and I missed out because I was not home to make preparations. So I ended up watching “Love and Basketball”, a sundance film that was made by a female director. A romantic love story between to ballplayers…awww.

On a different note, what is up with guys and when they break up with you, it’s like NOTHING to them? I mean, did you mean absolutely ANYTHING? Any feelings of loss? Thus far, the answer is NO. I suppose I only complain because don’t tell me that you care or I am important but all you really want is sex. I’m cool with that, just be upfront about it and tell me what you want but don’t give me bullshit if all you want is me in bed. That’s all.

I suppose I give the aforementioned rant because one of my girlfriends just went through something like that and it made me think of past circumstances that were very similar. bastards.

Okay, off to another uneventful week. yee=ha.

p.s. what’s up with everyone going to Vegas? and what’s up that I have not been invited (bastards, again). I kid of course.

Posted in NYU, San Diego, Storytime

The Thora Birch mentality

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

I once was in an actor’s class in college. These classes were mandatory in order for us to graduate. Since we were all aspiring filmmakers, acting was a pertinent part of composing a film. The mentality was “How are you going to tell actors what to do and how to feel if you do not know the process they go through?” In retrospect, I recall how difficult it was to go in front of a class to do a scene. It was unbelievably scary to go up in front of a class (especially dramatic scenes) and portray a character with intense emotions. When I went up, (I did a scene from Grosse Pointe Blank where the female lead finds out her boyfriend is a hitman) and I had to bring intense emotions to the forefront and relive how it felt to be hurt, disappointed, crushed, upset and angry all at the same time. Needless to say, I have felt those emotions concurrently and I did not want to do it because I just felt so naked in front of all these people who believed me to be a happy-go-lucky and overall complacent person in public. I suppose it was because it was voluntarily exposing a very private part of myself that I’m not necessarily ashamed to show but am just accustomed to keeping it behind closed doors ( a closeted ’emotionalist’ I suppose).

I also had to do this other part in American Beauty where I played the daughter. I recall it being the scene where her father (kevin spacey) and her mother were having asparagus and he gets so angry he throws the asparagus against the wall. I just remember being so angry (the appropriate emotion for the part)

Why do I bring this up? For some odd reason I’ve been feeling very angry. Not anything particular. I suppose the tumultousnous of being a twenty-something. The observations of society that annoy me. The feeling that I don’t “feel alive” unless I feel pain and the feeling that I am not my own person but a cumulination of various experiences and pop culture references. I don’t feel the need to lash out anything specific and I assure you having uncertainty in your life makes it much more interesting. However, uncertainty can be the bane of my existence and lead me to believe that settling for security and complacency is the overall answer. I don’t know. I’m rambling. I’m just angry at everything and nothing.

But, don’t take this as if I’m not able to function in social gatherings or the work environment. Not so. It just sort of amusing to me to feel so angry and be able to smile and conversate with anyone or anything. Such a bizarre dichotomy existing within me.

But, as Wilbur pointed out, I could just be sexually frustrated. Eh. Whatever. Sex is way overrated. (I say this now and I guarantee you I will change my opinion soon enough)

I think I’ll numb my thoughts out with Road Rules versus the Real World.

Farewell, cruel world.

Posted in Creative Effort, Nonsensical, San Diego, Topical

Retaliatory piece for Wilbur

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

Sheesh.

In my weekly/bi-weekly correspondence with the above mentioned individual, he has blatantly pointed out (with subtle sarcasm) that the writer of this journal is getting quite lazy with utilizing her potential ability to succumb to her well-versed academia with the English language and the like. Therefore, this journal entry my relatiatory piece (since I am a retalitatory type of person) to bring peace with WILBUR. (he has also complained that I have dubbed him with the objective pronoun “childhood friend” in previous entries and he would like the dignity and honor of having a name. However, he has requested for the moniker of Bin Laden to give him some sort of clout in the matter but I fear that the CIA may arrest me for custody for such trivial and seemingly facetious matters)

Dear reader, as you may recall, my inability to write more frequently has proven myself to commited the sin of sloth and thereby this opus will be quite lenghty and have the high probabilty of being pure drivel whereby something of this caliber might of be something of interest to the disinterested reader who is sicken or grieved since I have succumbed to such mundane language and filler. Hence, I present to you, the most interesting misadventures of yours truly to date. Is your curiousity piqued?

First misadventure (please be aware, this will probably written out of order):
Wilbur and I were to attend a club dubbed “The Comedy Store” with my fellow friends soon to be mutual compadres with Wilbur (should I be obliged to put Wilbur in capitals so he may feel even more special than the usual person in an entry? My humor may not be appreciated. Alas, I digress) i.e. Tyler, Kathleen, Aldryn (fellow co-employee with Wilbur) Kay aka Kristina, and Don. However, I noted that I had just recently underwent a folicle changing process which was quite lengthy in time thereby backlogging my day by an hour. You see, our general plan was for me to pick up Wilbur in Imperial Beach (his place of residence) “grab” a quick “bite” to “eat” (I think the agreed carcass was a chicken between two slices of bread. In the common tongue, it is defined as a sandwich a la chicken/chicken sandwich). I especially was succumbing to hunger since I have not consumed anything of worth since the noontime. When I went to pick up Wilbur (i mean, WILBUR) I found to my dismay that the clock warned it was 7:00 p.m. and I had to be at Tyler’s abode by 7:30 p.m. Please be advised that I had to transport ourselves from Imperial Beach (near the border for those who are directionally miseducated) to La Jolla..in half an hour. The consumption of carcass was dismissed as I broke several moving violations in the honor of my obsession with punctuality.

I made it to Tyler’s at 7:31 p.m. which made me quite please. We enter the Comedy Store and in order to develop some sort of comaderie with my peers, I ordered a drink. Please note that the narrator of this story had no intentions of being inebriated since appointed the designated driver. Kathleen, seeing that my drunken behavior is waning, in throes of celebration of having a part time job, and perhaps the misled into believing I could “hold my own” ordered a Long Island Iced Tea to continue the inebriated mentality.

Quite drunk and feeling feisty, I slurred several words and steps into the line at Moondoggies. Thinking I was able to consume food and/or alcohol, I unwittingly accepted a nicotine stick from WILBUR. A slim stick which appeared to be European. However, slim sticks does not guarantee slim/lack of nicotine. Quite the opposite, I belive. This effect only intensified the alcohol’s power and I have the overwhelming urge to have my food regurgitated.

HOWEVER, I HAVE NOT CONSUMED FOOD SINCE NOON. We deftly left Moondoggies and headed toward its neighbor, (neighbour in british) Hard Rock Cafe. I vaguely remember stumbling into the entrance and the protector at its gates questioning my ability to communicate. I passed the test and WILBUR, bless his heart, led this drunkard to the water closet.

20 minutes later of dry heaving, WILBUR was patiently waiting at the door of the ladies room with a look of concern. I opined that I was going to live and we headed off to the booths were the rest of the party was socializing. Unfortunately, the lack of food also intensified the absorption of alcohol in my system and I begrudgingly (but rapidly) made several trips (I believe it was around 15-25 trips) to the my favorite stall and toilet to vomit NOTHING. Of course, I became the brunt of the jokes for my weak stomach (Remember, dear reader, I only had TWO drinks. a heinken and a long island iced tea) Aldryn kept voicing his opinion that I should “represent for the east coast/NYU” and continued to place drinks in front of my tired espophagus. My glasses had fallen and Wilbur had apparenlty bought yours truly a drink or two but I was consummating a relationship with a toilet 90% of the time. Being the good friend that he is, he parched his own thirst with my supposed drinks.

Fortunately, since my system was literally sparse with ANYTHING, I was able to drive WILBUR and I home with the pleasant company of Red Hot Chili Peppers in my c.d. player.

That is just one of the many misadventures (and adventures) that this pseudo writer has experienced. There is a hiking trip, a Halo experience, and many eating experiences to be transcribed but alas, it will have to wait for another time I should diary such things.

Additionally, I took the unfortunate risk of taking a class with a fellow female exerciser. We decided to take a class named “Fat Burner Extreme.” Needless to say, I was petrified of such a class that would indicate it was 2 hours long. However, we decided to bury our fear and went to the saturday morning class.

8,000 lunges later, my thighs were shaking and Cyndy’s back was screaming for mercy. The instructor was impressed with our beginnings and opined that we could sit and stretch while the remainder of the small class finished 8,000 more lunges. I was quite surprised that I did not have muscles bulging out of my arms and my stomach was firm from the 900 ab exercises. Ironically, we walked of the class streesed and somewhat relieved to we survived. To celebrate, we took a drag of some Marlboro Lights. For fear we may be caught by the health instructor, we took our vices into the cyndy’s truck.

24 hours later, my body had efficiently burned a bazillion calories and watched 18 episodes of Sex and the City. Unfortunatley, this fat burning machine was also in the throes of PAIN. They screamed for mercy and asked their owner why everything past the neck had been pulled, stressed, and manipulated in an unusual way. To punish their owner, my body refused to move with ease and thus, I became a sore cripple. Utilizing the bathroom was a scream and a half and going up the stairs…Eeks! Cyndy called me the next morning (this morning) to express her likewise experience and noted that she would remain in bed until her muscles were well-taken to movement.

I, on the other hand, decided to defy the soreness (no pain, no gain..etcetera) and run some errands with a girlfriend, (wallaine) and eat many delcious treats. Moaning and groaning with pain when entering and exiting her car was quite entertaining for her.

I don’t fucking care anymore though, I’m going back to that damn fat burner extreme class next week to prove myself (lack of self control on the profanity)

All right. It is past midnight. I must succumb to my circadian clock and it’s partner, the hypothalamus and put this aching body to rest. Put on the dvd and set the timer on the television. This mind refuses to rest unless blocked out with the ordinary background noise.

Good night dear readers.

Posted in Nonsensical

chaos theory

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

You know what would be a great invention?

If I could figure out how to make cheesecake to raise your metabolism. I swear, there has to be some sort of scientist guy who needs to work on that. Or key lime pie that raised your metabolism. Whatever the case may be, someone should be working on this. Of course this the sloth in me talking. I’m sure I’ll have a different mentality tomorrow.

Nah. Probably not.

My hair is driving me crazy. My roots are like screaming at people “Look at me and how I’m ruining sharon’s life!” I suppose it is sort of comforting to be going crazy of something so tedious than to be going crazy over not having toes or something. (Frida reference) Which, by the way, I saw Frida last night, which I will divulge in my next journal entry.

Do they have edible candle wax? Just curious.

btw, need a maintenance man but that’s another story (enter song here: “the never ending stooorreeee” ….’BASTIAN! SAY MY NAME!!!!!”)

Man, I have to watch that movie again. I think I’ve lost my mind. I”m rambling about random things. However, things are never REALLY random (uh-oh…digging the hole, digging the hole)

Supposedly, nothing in the universe is random according to the chaos theory.

So call this a random journal entry but it is just the invisible energies of the chaos theory at work. Oooh. it’s raining hard outside…coincidence?? I think not. It’s the CHAOS THEORY! AHHHHH!!!!

Posted in Locales, San Diego

kickass

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

I remember I’ve mentioned several times that I prefer East Coast boys versus West Coast boys. Well, I suppose this weekend gave that belief a run for its money.

So I have faith again. Some West Coast boys are NOT dumbasses.

I had such a kick ass weekend… it totally made up for my depressing weekends which I had late last year. I don’t know what it is, but I’m getting tons of phone calls to hang out lately. Of course this is happening when my cell phone charger has been chewed up by dog and so I have to (annoyingly) check my phone several times a day.

Anyway, so on Friday, I spontaneously called up a old childhood friend of mine (we ran into each other at a party and exchanged numbers ) well, we’ve haven’t had time to hang out until now because he had to go to Germany and when he came back, I was sick, and when I got better he went snowboarding..etc etc. Well, finally this past Friday we agreed to go to dinner.

We went to a Japanese place where his brother is a sushi chef (and a good one at that). I must admit I’m not much of a sushi eater. My mind has now been changed. I absolutely LOVE sushi. Of course, I would have to blame that on my friend. I was going to order a California roll (the only sushi I will eat..well that and the shrimp tempura roll) but he said “c’mon, try something new” and I refused and I said “Fine. But if I don’t like it, I’m going to kill you” or something in that respect or something like he would have to pay for it and he was fine with it. So he ordered “THE BOMB” roll and I ordered the House roll. OH MY GOD. It was like heaven on Earth. I found myself trying out some ginger crap and whatever and I was quite proud of myself to actually try new food. Good deal.

Anyway, we were talking about our dating experiences and such (he hasn’t had a girlfriend for 3 years I think) and how he was bitter. He told me about a date he had the night before. I think he compared it to “pulling teeth” and I just had to laugh. He was saying something that the girl kept asking him what to do and he was like “let’s go to a hookah bar” (Did I spell that right?) and she would look at him and go back dancing. Then I said “What’s a hookah bar?” and he said “You never been? I’m taking you.” so we left the japanese place and headed off to downtown.

We ended up going home around 2 in the morning. It was so refreshing to have to great long talks with a childhood friend and find out what’s going on. I was pleasantly surprised to find out how intelligent he was and everything I threw at him, he threw right back at me. We were talking about social psychology, genetics, time frames, we shared some old stories, and the coolest thing is that we were teaching each other about stuff. He told me how the stock market works (I had no idea. Apparently, he dabbles in it) and I told him about the properties of film (He doesn’t know much about film) I think that was refreshing too because I’m so used to talking to people (especially boys) showing me how much knowledge they have about film whereas this guy was like “I have no idea, teach me.” and it was just cool to teach him and give examples and such. I told him I would exploit his ass in film and music.

On the flipside, he is now going to exploit me to San Diego. He was talking about these places he’s been to and such and I was like “Nope, never been there, nope, haven’t done that” so he was like “That’s it, I have to take you.” So I’m pretty excited about that. He’s going to take me to rock bottom and think of something cool to do next weekend that I haven’t done (I’ve never been to rock bottom but apparently everyone else on earth has)

So basically I’ve found a pretty good Tyler patch. I seem to have good chemistry with single guys who are completely self-sufficient but can’t seem to find the right woman. What is that? It always seems that self-sufficient intelligent guys are overidden with assholes. I admit, I’m one to fall for the asshole. Ah well. But I’m sure my friend and I will be hanging out more often.

Well, on Saturday, I ended up going to a party in Temecula and catching up with my OTHER best friend, Jirrah, and doing stuff. Then I had to rush home and watched “The Life of David Gale” with a girlfriend. Dude, that movie is good. Unfortunately, I have an eye for details in movies and so about 20 minutes, it was quite obvious to me who killed the woman. It’s just bizarre to know that things are put in a scene deliberately that screams at the audience “This is the KILLER!” so I was slightly disappointed to know that I was right. Oh well. How pretentious of me. (I remember my aforementioned friend and I were talking and he said “how pretentious” and I looked confused because he didn’t use it in the right context and he said “Did I use that right? This is me trying to expand my vocabulary” a noble attempt. Sorry, just remembering the word pretentious reminded me of that) Anyway, I highly recommend it and tell me if you can figure out the killer within the first 20 minutes. After the interview with the governor, it’s obvious who did it (well, to me anyway)

And today (sunday) I was supposed to go house hunting with my childhood friend (we’re planning on moving in together in a house) but we had a miscommunication so I ended up hanging out with Tyler (with our famous marathon long conversations) and agreed to hang out at State a couple times this week (i’m interviewing him for my script). I was telling him about the stuff I wrote in my last entry and he pointed out “Oh, you do try to one-up a guy!” and I was like “really? Like how so?” and he explained and stuff. The cool thing about Tyler is that he so non-confrontational yet straight up with me. He revealed some stuff that I found very useful and am very grateful.

Afterwards, I went with my girlfriends Karen, Jenn, and Alfred to Julian (it was FREEZING there!) for some apple pie. Man, they weren’t kidding. Those apple pies are so good I was about to spontaeously combust. Then we went back to the friday sushi place and saw my friend, the sushi chef, and he made me some good ass sushi once again. Hanging out with K, J, and Alf was rad. We could NOT stop laughing about past memories and crazy and silly things we’ve done. Apparently, with all of them, I’m nearly killed myself. It was so funny. Jenn was mentioning how I completely walked into a glass window. I SWEAR it was totally clear and I thought it was an open space. Man, that was hilarious. And then Alfred was like “remember when you hit your head on the glass at Charlotte Rusee?” I was looking at this window display and was looking at this pair of shoes. Then I was trying to look under the glass (or something) to find out the price and BOOM! I hit my head. It’s amazing (to them and myself) how I am still alive.

Anyway, it was great. When I got home (around 11) I got a couple phone calls and now I have plans for the next week already. Wow. When did my social life become so booming?? It’s rad though. Rad.

So what’s the lesson here?

I have faith in West Coast guys again
I love sushi and apple pie (but not together)
I love hookah bars.

I’m sure this high will come down soon enough and I’ll be bored again but for now, I’m going to enjoy the SHIT out of it!

OH by the way! I’m going to a wedding with my friend John in May in Maryland! I’m going to fly to Massachusetts (where he lives) and were going to road trip it down to Maryland and go to the wedding and then go to Great America (the equivalent to Magic Mountain) I’m so excited! whoo-hoo!! Good times and good people. Now I have to buy my tickets.

I feel great.

Posted in San Diego, Topical

egocentric

Posted on by Minimal.Effort

You know what I wish they had in drug form?

The feeling of a great conversation with a close friend.

I’ve actually had three really great conversations in the past 24 hours.

Last night, one of my closest girlfriends, Kathleen, called me last night to ask about my work-in-progress script and we ended up talking for several hours about life, love, and people. It was an awesome conversation.

Today at I had lunch with one of my best friends, Tyler. I remember when we were contemplating about being roommates one time and my friend Karen was saying “Oh, you guys would NEVER leave the house because you would be talking all night”…this is probably true. I was half an hour late from my lunch break because Tyler and I were talking in the parking lot for a long time. Tyler is awesome for tons of reason but I think the two reasons I really admire him is because 1. he’s probably one of the very very few people who has his head and life together. He’s probably the most mature guy I know and 2. he’s intellectually stimulating. He constantly gives my intelligence a run for the money. On the flipside, though, we can joke about the stupidest things.. I think a person who can relate to you on both of those levels is a friend you need to keep for the rest of your life.

The last awesome conversation I had just a couple of hours ago with my friend Stacey. We went for dinner at a Thai place in Hillcest and we just couldn’t stop talking. We have SO much in common its scary.

One of the conversations we had (which I will elaborate here) was about a short conversation I had with an individual who was telling me who my faults were. Simply, because she has the same faults.

That was a…let’s say…interesting conversation. He was critiquing things about me that I actually like about myself but he put it in a negative tone. He was telling me the reasons why I can’t maintain a relationship. What he said was true but I like those characteristics about me and since he thought they were negative aspects…I don’t know how I think of him as a friend per se.

First of all, he said one of the reasons I have trouble dating is because I’m a guarded yet open person. I absolutely agree with him. I remember in high school, I was pretty much friends with everyone and was very open and very social. Unfortunately, people tend to take advantage of a person like that and I did not like that and so I stopped. Now I’m perceived (and this is true) a person who doesn’t make friends to fast or easily which explains my “guarded yet open” nature. Now, I don’t have trouble divulging information about myself but I’m not one to volunteer information. If somebody has a true interest about who I am as a person, I feel they would ask questions about myself and attempt to open me up. Once you open me up and gained my trust, you have it forever. Granted, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing to do but it’s something, I believe, if you care about me, something you would invest time in. So many times, I believe, people tend to want your company just to have you to be there and fill the space for the sake of filling the space, just for the sake of having your company. A lot of times, what I’ve observed, a person is not really listening to you.. they are waiting for you to finish until they can talk again. Further, I’ve noticed that they don’t notice when you’ve started a story or finished it and I’m thinking, he just looks interested and he sounds interested but he just likes the fact that someone is there for him to look and sound interested. Does that make sense? Most of the time, I like to sit and ask questions about a person to understand his or her nature. MOST of the time, the person just thinks I’m asking questions for the sake of asking questions but in actuality, I’m fascinated with human nature and behavior and I feel I know a person from what he’s saying versus what his body language and actions really reveal.

This individual also said I’m constantly asking questions and why do I ask this? and why do I ask that? Why am I constantly question? He made it sound like it was an annoying trait of mine. I actually like that quality about myself. I remember reading a book and the character was constantly questioning things. I believe that you shouldn’t take what society or what people give you. Question authority. Question their actions. Question their motives. It really gives insight to who a person is. And truly, if I’m constantly asking you questions I’m observing two things: it is because I am truly fascinated and/or studying behavior that may seem contradictory to your actions or I am truly interested in you as a person, as a soul, as an active energy in the universe. (That sounds new-age) but it’s true. The other thing I notice is whilst I’m asking all these questions, do they know that I am diverting their attention from THEM asking questions about me? A lot of the times, they don’t and that reveals to me that they aren’t really interested in ME as a person because they are not reciprocating with their own questions about who I am as a person. It shows me that they’re not really interested in knowing what makes me tick or it shows that they think they know enough and they don’t want to delve into any more than what is presented to them and a lot of times, if you just ask, I will tell you everything and anything you want to know. Some people don’t bother with that journey.

Well, when the person who told me that I was constantly questioning things and gave an inclination that it was annoying, it showed me that he really didn’t appreciate who I am as a person and that’s fine. It just gave me revelation that a person who I want to be involved in my life (friendship, dating or otherwise) would appreciate my inquisitive nature and actually encourage it. My bestest friends now are just as inquisitive as I am and welcome my challenges. Kathleen (kay) when were alone together, constantly questions my actions and my thoughts and why I would think that way and I LOVE IT. She makes me examine myself in perspectives I wouldn’t notice before if she didn’t bring it up. Tyler is the same way. He’s always “why are you doing this?” or “are you sure that’s the way you want to go?” and he’s not questioning my decisions but my thoughts and motives behind things I do and I value him for that. But, gratefully, when this person told me about my constant inquisitive nature, it just revealed to me that something I seek in friendships/dating/otherwise is someone who will bring the challenge as much as I bring it to them.

Hmmm.. what else. Oh, he also said that I try to intellectually “one-up” a guy. That may be true but, what I don’t think he understands, is that I don’t do that on purpose. I don’t walk around saying “hmm…let me see if I can one-up this guy.” Again, I like intellectual stimulation and I like people who can keep up. Sure, it might be a way of testing them but here’s what I noticed…I never have anyone complain about this back in New York. Back on the east coast, people like that challenge and encourage it. I remember a friend of mine who said “You know what are one of the things I love about you? Everytime we hang out, I will learn and see things in a new perspective. I know that I will walk away thinking how I’m glad that people like you exist.” That was a great compliment (i blush). But I was glad he said that because it showed a lot more about him than about me.

Finally, he said that I get into bed with boys too fast. and “How do you expect to start/maintain (I don’t remember the exact word he used) a relationship?” (Wish I sort of knew that before we… blankety blank. )Hmmm.. that might be true but it is certainly something I’m not ashamed of. I guess what he didn’t see is that first of all, I never touched a guy until I was 21…this entails holding hands with a guy, kissing a guy…etc. Second of all, if someone is going to judge on me on how fast I get into bed with him, then it’s probably better that I don’t get into a relationship with him because anyone who judges my physical actions versus the other qualities I can bring to a relationship is probably somebody not worth getting into a relationship with. I have never given myself rules about getting physically intimate wiht someone. As if I wait for 4 months is going to make a big difference versus waiting 4 days. Personally, to me, it doesn’t make that big of difference because being emotionally involved is something I’m more concerned with than being physically intimate. I’m one of those people who needs to be physically intimate before I can be emotionally intimate. If somebody sleeps with me and still wants to invest time to be emotionally involved with me, it shows a lot about how much that person actually cares about me. Now if a guy slept with me and wasn’t interested in me or just wanted to string me along for a bit (emotionally), he would much more likely do it for a shorter length of time than waiting to get me into bed and giving this facade of being interested in me and finding out after he slept with me that “oops! I didn’t mean for you to take it that way.” I find it much more comforting for someone who admits that he wants to sleep with me and that’s it versus someone who puts a front that they like me but in actuality wants to sleep with me. Anyway, if you both like each other, you KNOW you’re probably going to do it in the future and if both of you are on the same page in that respect, does it matter how long you wait?

Anyway, he also called me predictable and typical and I feel if he knew me as much as he thinks he does, he would know that yes, a lot of mundane things I do are predictable and typical but a lot of decisions I make about the bigger aspects in my life are anything but predictable and typical. That’s the greatest thing about human nature: you have the option to grow and change and to be two mutually exclusive characteristics that seem contradictory but actually make you a well-rounded and original individual. Yes, I’m predictable about the movies I watch and typical about the clothes or things I say but stick around long enough and get to know me and you will find that I will surprise you. I still surprise a lot of my close friends today.

So, what’s the lesson for the day? Anything that a person perceives as negative about you is probably a person who didn’t delve deep enough to get to know how these negative aspects make you a great person or how these negative aspects are actually quite positive to another person. Of course, I’m talking about the aforementioned characteristics but there are some negative aspects (like killing somebody or something like that) that are just negative.

And for all you people are still reading my ramblings about myself and such and still want to know more: I have been lied to, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve been the “other woman”, I’ve been sexually abused, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve been called fat and undisciplined because I cannot lose the weight, I’ve gotten my heart broken, I’ve had people leave me, I’ve been called a “fucking bitch”, I’ve run away from home, I’ve taken many drugs, I’ve been chastised, I’ve been teased, I’ve had friends make a list “Things we hate about Sharon” (and I found it), I’ve had people drop me for a boyfriend and come back to me when they’ve broken their heart, I’ve been called cold, I’ve been called withdrawn, I’ve been called intimidating, I”ve lost a friend over money, I’m bossy, I’ve known to not to have kept my mouth shut when I should, I’ve been called blunt and cruel. I’ve been said to be too picky. I”ve been told to “dumb down” as not to scare off guys.

But also, I know that I’ve been loved, I’ve had one person show up for me when nobody else would, I’ve had friends give me money when I was going to be kicked out of school, I’ve had someone take me in when I’ve run away, I’ve had a psychologist, I’ve made my father cry when he saw I slit my wrists, I’ve had my sister stay up with me all night to make sure that I wake up, I’ve been called talented, I’ve been called genuine, I’ve been called talented, I’ve been called a comic genius (thanks john), I’ve been called dedicated, I’ve been called beautiful, I’ve been called an inspiration, I’ve been called sexy (thanks Mike, Charles, and Kevin), I’ve been dubbed as a role model to my sister, I’m a hard worker, I’ve been called ambitious, I’ve been told that I would be and am successful, I’ve been called generous, I’ve been called intelligent (several people once said I was the smartest woman they have ever met and in my ‘low self image’ I always say “gee, you must not know a lot of women”), I’ve been called intellectually stimulating (thanks tyler) I’ve been dubbed as observant and I’ve been cared for.

All these things about me that I know and I’m sure there are so much more I haven’t touched on has made me this crazy complex individual who is a part of your lives. (corny!) Thus far, I am still alive and thus far, I’m one of the strongest and weakest person I know.

And you can’t handle that, if it’s too much…then why are you reading my journal?

God, I’m so egocentric. (heh heh heh) Sorry if I disgusted you in all my self-absorbness and observations. Wait till I observe ANOTHER person. It’s much worse.