Minimal Effort

Men are like … Laxatives …They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like … Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like … Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like … Coffee …. The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up
all night long.

Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say. (bastards)

Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like …. Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like …. Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like …. Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many
inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Men are like … Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like … Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

***Computer guy blew it. He said he would make it up to me and that he is “soooo good at making up” but he probably meant making things up.

Whatever. It’s going to be something mighty spectacular to unmake his blowing it.

I’ve been treated better by shrimp.

Soul mates. It’s hard to believe that there is one person for you and only you and I didn’t believe in sould mates…until I saw Siegfried and Roy. I mean, one gay liontamer meets another gay liontamer? SOUL MATES!–some stand up comedian I saw on Comedy CentralNote to reader: I watch a LOT of stand up comedy. A LOT.2. I feel sorry for bisexuals. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Jesus, think of all the phone numbers you’d come home with. Might as well walk around with the white pages under your arm.–George Carlin, from his book Napalm and Silly Putty (get it)3. Convo with WilburMe: Talk to me until Computer guy calls back.Wilbur: What, you’re over me?Me: Yes. This train has sailed.Wilbur: I don’t know about this. I might be jealous now.Me: Oh, will you shut up.Wilbur: So, that’s it? You’re over me?Me: Dude, I like people fast, I fall out of like with people fast. Deal with it.Wilbur: Don’t deny it never happened!!Me: What happened? Wilbur: Whatever. Convo with Wilbur 2Wilbur: So what happened on the date?Me: We had dinner. We talked all night. He put his hand on my leg.Wilbur: Sounds good.Me: I was like…ooh, his hand is on my leg. I don’t know what he said because I just kept thinking “his hand is on my leg, his hand on my leg” Needless to say, it was exciting. Wilbur: Oh, you have a new guy. Yes! Finally got rid of her!Me: What?Wilbur: Nothing.Me; You are such an asshole.Wilbur: Excuse you, who wanted to see who for lunch today?Me: You’re still a bastard. So tell me about YOUR date.Wilbur: well…(enter ellipsis here)4. I am staying up until I finish my email to kerbang. I keep putting that off…but I’m scared that it won’t be funny enough for the great brain that is Kerbang. Oh well. 5. Gump said I was funny and cute. It made me feel like Crystal-Fresh Drinking Water…you know, Sparkletts.6. One day I’m going to write a serious paper about the properties of corn and why it doesn’t digest in your system. This is a serious problem people– because everytime people say they ate corn and then they need to go crap…I get vivid picture in my head. This is NOT good.7. My friend “Tallulah” called me the other day and asked me about Planned Parenthood. I told her that I’ve been there and got HOOKED UP. Planned Parenthood…man, that place is CRAZY–condoms up the wazoo, birth control and whatnot. (Reader, please be advised that I went 6 months ago, this is not a recent trip. Just keeping you apprised of the visit status) I walked away from PP with birth control, condoms, lube, vagina blocking strip thingy (like I was REALLY going to mess with that) and the morning after pill. So I was telling Tallulah this (she wanted to get birth control) but her man was in town NOW. I said she could have whatever I had –because it is not like I was going to use it anytime soon. So she wanted the morning after pill.Tallulah calls me the next day and says she is going to definitely need the morning after pill. “How many times you do it?” and she said “ten times”TEN TIMES!!!! WHAT THE?!!?! DOES THAT EXIST?! This man must be a superman of sorts. But Tallulah said she wanted to get it out of her system before her man left again. But TEN TIMES …IN A SPAN OF 24 HOURS? You are talking to girl who had the night of one time. ONE. COUNT THAT…ONE!8. What ever happened to Right Said Fred? You know that bald guy that said “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…so sexy it hurts” I think he could’ve been at least a TWO hit wonder. I think he was misadvertised.9. My sexoscope: “The Romantic Dreamer” (July 12 – July 21)Sex with a person born during these ten days is supremely satisfying experience. Often prone toward depression and despair, sex is the perfect antidote for this secretive sign. Sex silences their preoccupation with death–from your first date onward they’ll worry about losing you–because it reminds them that first and foremost, we were put here to live.Open this Cancer’s eyes to the brighter side of the world and you’ll have a lover who will never leave you, a friend who will listen to all your dreams and desires, and an unbelievably tough cooke who will share the weight of the world with you.Uh-huh…whatever the book said (If you guys want your sexoscope, drop a note and I’ll retype whatever the book says)Second look at Sexoscope:Five Surefire Ways to Break the Ice with CancerCancer Woman:1. Talk about kids — yours, hers, or just rug rats in general (with me, I’ll just tell you how much I hate them.)2. Ask her out to an opera or other classy musical event (If Ben Folds is classy, I’m in. But I once watched an Opera and because I forgot my glasses and couldn’t read the subtitles, I fell asleep)3. Mention a cause you back (preferably something concerning animals or children) —Okay, this sexoscope thing makes me sound like a total wuss. I prefer if you mention an instrument you play ( and NO! not the skin flute) or a book you read….is this the same thing?4. Mention a person problem (<— okay, I agree with this. I tend to be a pretty good listener..when I’m not talking of course)5. To totally freak her ass out, give her a serenade outside her bedroom window: She’ll act embarrassed but secretly she’ll love it even if you’re off-key. (This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I love that shit but I won’t say that. I’ll just be totally embarrassed)*10. Schrodinger’s Cat:A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom doesn’t decay, the cat live. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive. –Erwin Schrodinger’s Cat Paradox, 1935Apollo’s Non-Apple Non-Strudel:Imagine Apollo running backward around the rings of Saturn while holding a hot dish of apple strudel. In another universe, connected only by a wormhole, is a dollop of vanilla ice cream. The vanilla ice cream will move inexorably toward the wormhole and be dumped onto the strudel. Yet wife swapping is still frowned upon in many countries.The Feynman Dilemma:A diner says to a waiter, “What’s this fly doing in my soup?” and the waiter says, “It looks like the backstroke.” Yet if the same scene is viewed while plunging into a black hole at the speed of light, it will look like a Mickey Mouse lunch pail from the thirties, except that Mickey’s head has been replaced by a Lincoln Penny.–Both Apollo’s Non-Apple Non-Strudel and The Feynman Dilemma is from Steve Martin’s book, PURE DRIVEL. This book is HILARIOUS. Get it. NOW I SAY!!Sharon’s 10 things that she thought about today. That, and how computer guy blew it of course. 🙂

“I have no sympathy for ‘single dads.’ Most of these guys got married because they wanted steady pussy. Well, steady pussy leads to steady babies and steady babies tend to cut down the pussy. SO, once the novelty wears off, the marriage disappears. Single dads. Big fuckin’ deal.”

–George Carlin (Napalm and Silly Putty)

When I was in high school, I once said I would never:

a) smoke cigarettes
b) try drugs
c) have sex before 25
d) date a guy I didn’t really like

Unfortunately AND fortunately, I have broken every one of those rules.

I can’t really change anything but I do not do either b, (can’t take back C) or D anymore. I sort of developed something called standards.

But that is not the point of this entry. The point is, I smoke cigarettes.

It is not a vice I am particularly proud of, but for some strange reason (and it is not because I am addicted to nicotine) I can’t find a reason to quit.

I don’t smoke like chimney either. People are actually quite surprised when they see me light up a cigarette because I do not do often in front of people–let me rephrase–in front of people who don’t smoke.

Last weekend, I went to a co-workers place to help her garden (read: pull weeds) and I forgot my cigarettes at home. Oh, well, I guess I will not smoke. I felt a craving for like 5 minutes but got over it (must be the nicotine thing) but when I was there and I took a break, Debe’s husband asked “You don’t smoke, do you?” and I opined that I did but he seemed very surprised. Must be the “innocent” look.

I went on a road trip with Kerbang and Kerbang does not like smokers and made it very clear– So I made it a point not to smoke in front of him out of respect. However, they were several times during the road trip where I wanted to smoke a cigarette and Kerbang handed me a piece of gum, which in fact, satisfied my craving.

I have never smoked in front of computer guy. Do I worry about him judging me? Maybe. But, the fact of the matter is that I don’t really want to in front of him. I don’t know why.

So, I think about quitting every now and then but then I think, I really don’t have a reason to. I think I smoke because 1. to piss off my parents 2. for boredom 3. to have something in my mouth that is not food. I don’t worry about cancer or emphysema or anything because…I guess I don’t care. I don’t care enough to stop.

However, I care enough not to smoke in front of a cute computer guy. So, I think, inadvertently, the more time we spend together, the less smoking I will do.

It happens sometimes. It happened with the last guy I was with (I didn’t smoke for a couple of months) but when things went downhill with him, I smoked like there was no tomorrow.

My theory is, I don’t smoke when I am happy or I enjoy the company I am with.

I tend not to like my own company sometimes.

I don’t know. Maybe if somebody asked me to stop smoking…maybe I would.

Does anyone have any good non-cliche reasons to stop smoking?

P.S. This has nothing to do with smoking, but I guess to make up for not talking to me over the weekend, computer guy called seven times today. Wow.

1. To ask me out for dinner (couldn’t make it)
2. To ask me what my plans were after dinner
3. Getting back to my last phone call
4. To tell me he was at Fry’s Electronics buying equipment.
5. To tell me he was waiting in line at Fry’s (hee hee)
6. To tell me he had the hardest time writing a check at Fry’s.
7. From the freeway …just to talk about nothing.

I feel silly about talking about nothing pretty darn good about it too.

I still think, though, like we will never see each other again (he disagrees)…I think I forgot what he looked like. Is he even cute anymore? (ahahahaha. I”m being dramatic)

Man, this is a long entry. I should really start writing my damn scriptola.

I have insomnia.

So I turn on the television and lo and behold, on Leno is Howard Dean.

I have to say, with his interview he

1. makes Bush look like a dumbass
2. has a great sense of humour
3. is a great person to interview.

I was quite taken with him.

Anyway, afterwards was a performance with Lyle Lovett. Dude, didn’t he date Julia Roberts back when she had pretty thick eyebrows? Wait, that was Kiefer Sutherland.

I think I am going to watch Independence Day, the plotline should knock me out.

My life is boring as hell.

Congratulations Florida, you are no longer the nat ational embarrassment. The national embarrassment crown now belongs to California.

I took my friend Tyler out to an improv comedy show tonight (he has never been) for his birthday. Man, I just totally fell in love with one of the improvers.

I have a thing with improvers.

Anyway, I’m thinking of joining such a troupe (as in, taking a class) at this point, I sort of want to take it so I can see this deliciious man or to have a cool hobby. I think I’ll try for the cool hobby.

I once dated a guy who did improv comedy (he trained at Upright Citizen’s Brigade) but he turned out to be a freak– that might be the catch.

Guys are fun. I can’t wait to date more of ’em in my future and to manipulate them to be my love slaves.

Random sidenote: When Tyler and I were talking tonight, I asked him who he hung out with now since his girlfriend moved to Santa Cruz for college (and I talked to her the other day, “Dude, Santa Cruz is LIBERAL. LIKE WAAAAY LIBERAL. It’s a little hard to deal”) and two of his best friends (other than yours truly) have moved to San Francisco and Maryland. Like, me and this guy Archie are the only ones left.

I asked Ty if Archie knew who I was and Ty said “totally”.

Really?

Tyler told me a story that Archie told him….a long time ago when Archie was dating a classmate of mine, we went to a picnic/party of some sort.

The guys were playing football. Me, being the one to prove I’m just as good as any guy, volunteered to play football with the guys.

I was receiver. Archie was on my team. I was getting a long long pass. I was running, screaming “I got it! I got it!” And so I did.

In the face.

And of course, I got the biggest laugh out of the picnic party. But I don’t mind because I am willing to embarrass myself at the expense of a good laugh.

I totally forgot about this story till Tyler retold it to me. And ever since then, Archie has never forgotten to me. Great, I will be the girl who got hit with a football in the face.

In 7th grade, I once had a soccer ball hit my face and break my glasses (oh and yes, I had the taped glasses for three days. It was miserable). Tennis balls hitting me? Forget about it.

I guess I’m just a person who attracts balls to her face.

I boyproofed my room.

What does that mean?

1. You hide any crappy pictures of yourself.
2. You put up any pictures that you look good in.
3. You put up pictures where you are surrounded by guys (tee hee)
4. Hide all the underwear and bras under your bed.
5. Clean your bookcase so impressive intelligent books are showing.
6. Casually lay “Comedy is not Pretty” by Steve Martin on your desk as if you were listening to it recently.
7. Get rid of your brother’s damn coke cans.
8. Take out your trash so boy does not see all the crap you eat.
9. Put dvds in order. Have impressive boy dvds by the television
10. Realize that boy will find out your damn habits anyway.
11. Water bottles? Maybe good or bad news.

Regardless, I still live at my parents house and having a boy come into your parents house is awkward in general but computer guy didn’t seem to mind.

He was looking on my computer and told me I may be needing more RAM. I gave him a confused look (I know what it means but I don’t know what it does) and he drew a picture the difference between a hard drive and RAM in layman’s terms. It made him look incredibly sexy.

Any guy who does what they know how to do well (i.e. skateboarding, playing the drums, or in Mike’s case, fixing computers) is always impressive and incredible to me. It makes me want to jump him right there.

But I didn’t.

We played with my dog Sally and as he was petting her, his hands went over mine and sort of lingered there (my poor dog) He has soft hands and it was great.

Sigh.

Sorry about the contant updates with computer guy. I’m sure it’ll calm down soon enough and I’ll have other mininutiae to ponder about.

Anyway, he just called (yee-ha!) My next entry will be about Steve Martin.

So here’s the deal people.

Computer guy and I went on our first official date. We went to a restaurant in called the City Delicatessen. We both had never been before and so it was something new for both of us.

Anyway, to cut to the chase…it’s pretty obvious that we like each other. I think it is more obvious on his part than mine (I won’t bore you with the details)…I’m just so used to being the platonic friend it is sort of hard for me to break out of that.

But, yes, it seems that he likes me and I like him etc etc. I think he wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him.

This presents a very big problem for me.

1. Mike does not drink
2. I have not kissed a guy without being under some sort of influence.
3. It has been so long since I’ve kissed a guy, I am insecure about my kissing abilities.
4. Since I am under the influence when kissing guys, I don’t remember how it is initiated.
5. If Mike and I kiss, this will be my first sober kiss and I might not like what happens (as in sober intimacy..etc etc).

Once the whole drunken kissing and sex is done, then it’s easy afterwards to be able to do it sober…but my first time sober?

I don’t think I can do it.

I am scared people. Scared.

But I do want to kiss him.

I had lunch with Wilbur today because I was freaking out about a guy not calling me. I could not believe how childish and young I felt again because of not receivng a phone call.

Guys can drive you crazy sometimes. The secret is to be cool and casual about things. However, your friends will suffer the brunt of your coolness and casualness..as in they will suffer the insanity and hyperactivity that you need to get out of your system so you may be casual and cool in front of the appropriate party.

Anyway, so I had lunch with Wilbur because I needed a guy’s opinion on the computer guy situation. Long story short: computer guy called me on tuesday and said he would call on thursday. Thursday comes and goes…then Friday…then Saturday…and then Sunday– the day of the supposed date. Was I just blown off?

What I DIDN’T get is that I can usually read the signs of being blown off– because I do it too. I say “I’ll talk to you later” which is bullshit because I have no intention to but I think it’s a softer blow than “I will call you” — I suppose I’m using semantics because “talk to you” doesn’t necessarily mean talk to you over the phone or in the near future…just later…in (in my head) another dimension maybe. Maybe I talked to you later in my head. Whatever, I did it, but it doesn’t mean you will get the pleasure of actually hearing my voice.

Speaking of voices, I hate my voice. I sound like a man I think.

Okay, back to the subject matter. I have gotten advice from sides of the story. Girls are saying Don’t call him! Let him learn his lesson! Don’t give him the power! Guys…are saying nothing. Okay, that’s because none of them called me back (bastards) I called several of my guy friends over the weekend–granted, I figure, it’s Saturday, they’re all doing crap so I didn’t really take it to heart.

I did get a hold of my friend Tyler (who I saw the Italian Job with) who said “You know, it’s probably nothing” –Guys, so calm and casual. But I KNOW that is so untrue “Sharon, why hasn’t she called?” Don’t even try to bullshit with me. I’ve heard the whining as well. It’s just always different if you are outside of the situation.

Well, Wilbur said “Well, why haven’t you called him yet? I bet you is some sort of miscommunciation. I mean it’s happened to us” Wilbur is referring that when we make plans he thinks that I’m supposed to call him and I think he’s supposed to call me (he REALLY is supposed to call me) and what will happen, somebody will break down (usually him) and say “Dude, why haven’t you called?” and then the situation is straightened away.

So Wilbur says “why don’t you call him?” and I said “Won’t that make it seem like I’m needy or desperate or something?” (I got this idea from my girlfriends) and Wilbur said “Hells no. You can be casual. You’re super casual. Anyway, it’s not like you called him 300 times.” (I called him on Saturday with the intention of cancelling plans because he took so long (mind games, sheesh) but I got his brother/roommate who said he was gone and gave him a message) “You called him once. Today is Sunday. Today is the day. Your girlfriends are giving you the wrong advice. I bet YOU he’s waiting for your call”

So I call computer guy, get his voice mail and say something like “Just wanted to see if we still had plans, if not, give me a heads up so I can make other plans. PAYCE!” (Okay, I didn’t say peace. I didn’t want him to be homified just yet)

Then Wilbur says “You want to see my apartment?” to show me where he put the portraits I let him borrow for a while (I gave him a Diego Rivera, a Picasso, a Salvador Dali and something else. I forget) so I park and oops, let my phone in the car. At this point, I don’t care. I’m tired of waiting for calls


Side note. Okay, I semi-waiting for calls. I did go out on Thursday, Friday and Saturday to make me keep my mind off of waiting for phone calls from Mike. However, I knew that I was going on to keep myself busy knowing I was not waiting for phone calls which means in essence, I was really waiting for phone calls. Whatever. I just wanted to sound all busy and like I had this BIG life if he called. Of couse, that facade never got to be played.*


So, I stay for a bit, I leave and of COURSE, Mike has called and left a message apologizing profusely that he has not contacted me because he has been swamped with work. Automatically, my forgiving nature gives in (this, I am told, could be a fault) and says Okay, I’ll give him another chance. I call him back, get his voice mail. Leave a message.

He calls back at 2pm, wants to “hang out” around fiveish. Grab some dinner. Do something afterwards. Will call me around 4ish. He has a computer job to do (yes, he gets called on weekends apparently) He thinks he will be done by 4 ready by 5.

Calls back at 4:30. Is taking a little longer than usual. Thinks he’ll be ready to go at 7:30 p.m. Will call me around 6 p.m. so he can get directions etc etc. Is he blowing me off slowly instead in one swift band-aid blow? We shall see.

It is 5:40.. he says it is taking too long and he does not want for me to wait. He tells me to make other plans.

So, how does a guy show he is even interested in you and is not bullshitting? This is how:

Me: Sigh

Him: I’m so sorry. It’s just it’s taking so much longer than I anticipated

Me: No, it’s okay. I’m just tired.

Him: Well, I still really want to hang out with you and I really want to get to know you.

Me: Okay…

Him: So, would it still be okay if we can have dinner sometime this week?

Me: I don’t know, I go to the gym everyday and I just joined the softball team, and my dinner on Thursday.

Him: I can still take you out to dinner after the gym if that’s okay.

Me: Well, I’ll be done by 7p.m. It might be too late

Him: No, that’s okay. I mean, if that’s okay with you. I will pick you up at your house. What’s your address?

Me: YOu’re going to MapQuest it or somethign

Him: Yes.

Me: Oh, all right. Tuesday night?

Him: Yes. I will call you at work on Tuesday and we will go out on Tuesday night.

Me: You know, the place you take me better be good (uh-oh threatening him)

Him: Don’t worry about it.

Soooo.

I don’t know if I’m not reading guy correctly or something…but it STILL seems he’s interested and just got swamped. The thing is, I know my girlfriends would be like, “WHAT? You gave in too easily” or something of that nature. But here’s the thing:

1. I like to make lists (this is not one of the reasons)
2. He called me several times today to keep me apprised of his status. He didn’t have to do that and I respect his conscientiousness.
3. He is responsible. He had to do computer shit. This I can understand.
4. He’s a computer guy. People go crazy (especially companies) when their server or computer is down..he has to go out there or the peeps can’t function. I can understand this fact.
5. He said “I still want to really get to know you” and “Is it still okay if I can take you out to dinner” No fluff. He was direct and said what he wanted. I like that. Guys need to be more direct that way.

So, I forgive him for driving me crazy. And he’s still really cute and really nice and funny. That’s just something I can’t throw away just yet. YET.

*Note: Mollie was my comedy writing teacher my last semeseter at NYU. One of my favorites…but that’s probably because she took me aside and told me that I reminded her of Woody Allen (probably the glasses and the self-deprecation)



SHARON!

I’m sorry it’s taken me soooooo long to get back to you, but the semester ended, I had 30 scripts to read and write notes for, and my daughter is graduating from high school on Friday, so I had, (and still have), so much to do.

Things have been extremely hectic here this year. Between helping my kid with colleges and teaching and writing — whoooo! – I can really use a vacation, which I won’t be getting.

Boston, huh? I had lots of friends in college in Boston way back in the day, (the 70s), and it’s a great town, though, of course, not nearly as great as New York 🙂 Of course I remember Gates — if you speak to him, please send my regards. Believe it or not, I haven’t opened your website yet but will, next week at the earliest, but I will read it, and I bet I really enjoy it.

I remember everyone else, although am a tad cloudy on Steve White. I ran into Micah up at Tisch a few months ago — he had just returned from Israel and seemed to have had a great adventure/experience over there. John Kumpart’s gone corporate? I’m sure he’ll do well — he’s got the personality for it.

Sorry to hear about you and Ken. That is definitely what happens when friends let friends live with friends.

You and John writing together? Gonna be a hilarious script, I’m betting. I still haven’t forgotten your SOUTH PARK script, up there with one of my faves. I think I told you this the last time we communicated, (no memory left), but my kid and I were watching some show and they were doing DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION. I reminded her of your script, which she read and loved.

Keep writing – you are a hell of a funny writer, and keep in touch —

xxoo
Mollie