Minimal Effort

Your assignment, if you choose to accept it is to:

Read whatever entries you find interesting/humourous/magazine fodder and email me at anniewaits18@yahoo.com.

I was emailed a request for writing pieces/writing submissions for a magazine that is starting up in New York. Supposedly, the person who sent said email thinks…that…what? I’m an intelligent humourous writer.

She thinks my boyfriend application would be the perfect thing to send.

I am not so sure.



If I have indicated you as a favorite diary, I have changed my profile and so see what sort of snappy snippet I have written about you.

I did this because I was bored.



I got seats for a Ben Folds concert that cost me about 110 a pop. Jesus. Ben better take me out for dinner and fuck me for these prices.

But then again, he is my soul mate..who’s slightly balding.

Ooh. Boring fact for fans: he’s releasing three EP’s within this year with five songs each. One in August, another in November and…I forget the third date. But yee-ha! Something to look forward to.



Evite Stats as of this date:

4 people going
3 people maybe
6 people who can’t.

Goddamnit!

Although, my sister called me and was confused on how to confirm settings and Wilbur has not been getting his email and soothed my fears that he, in fact, is going.



Goddamnit, This such a fucking boring entry. I’m sorry people, I’m out of juice.



My favorite inanimate objects:

10. a fire hydrant

9. Liquid paper white out

8. This is fucking ridiculous



My name: Sharon
Root: Sarai
Meaning: “a princess” (GREEEEAT)

Majestic: the world is her playground

Personality: willing to put her money on the line

Genuine: a role model for sincerity
(yeah, right)

Style: equipped to handle all of life’s challenges

Ability: a good judge of human nature
(GUILTY!)

Character: always eager to learn new things

Sentiment: time flies when she is around

Physical: she has a stunning appearance.

I should warn the reader though I am 300 pounds and 4’11”..so that is probably why I’m stunning…you in shock



So, I’m still on my lunch break. I have nothing to write



I just like doing these asterisks



Dean for America. Got this email about it.

At first I thought it was a joke (seriously) because there was quote about it about how we need more Iowans…so I wasn’t sure what was going on…but according to my liberal friends, he’s one to watch for. I think his website is

http://www.deanforamerica.com. I could be wrong yo. I’ll edit this accordingly.



I want an accordion



I still have ten more minutes to go till my lunch break is over. My lord. what am I going to write about? I”m going to make up a story



Once upon a time, there was a key lime pie. It was a beautiful piece of pie which stood adoringly in front of a Marie Callendar’s window. This was no ordinary key lime pie, it was the colour red.

His name was Ogden. Ogden Key Lime Pie. But people called him Cunningham for short.

Ogden and his family were once big ass pie, but one by one, they were taken home by the humans to be consumed and hence sealing their fate and fulfilling their purpose.

Ogden was the last slice left but because he was red instead of green, he began to melt.

He was a sad red green lime pie. He decided to make a break for it.

At the wee hours of the night, when the planets were aligned accordingly and the Capricorn constellation is positioned at exactly 18 degrees longitude, it is time that all pies could move for the span of 10 minutes. But then minutes only because then the constellation would be at 18.5 degrees thereby cancelling all magic herewith all key lime pies. Only key lime pies.

The moon had shifted. It was time.

Ogden shifted to the front…he bumped the window. DAMN! New strategy.

He shifted to the back…but his plate was blocked and the show case was closed.

Ogden was stuck.

So he committed suicide and fell to the second rack.

Well, he didn’t take him anywhere, he ended up landing ontop the lemon meringue.

The next day, him and the lemon meringue, her name was Tally-hoe, were thrown into the trash, merged together..

FOREVER.

How romantic.

god, today it was so cold, I had to put a sweater on.

Have you ever called a person, intent on leaving a voice mail…and they do the most unlikely thing…

they pick up the phone.

Whenever that happens to me (my voice mail message always sounds so clever in my head) I always go “uh..oh..uh…hi…uh” as if I never talked to them before. I guess it’s a curve ball because now i have to readjust my seemingly witty voice mail message and talk on the fly.

in other news…

(man, this is a total elipsis entry)

I had coffee with Stacy tonight. We had a long talk about our lives and such.

Afterwards, I was in a contemplative mood and instead of going home, I took the 905 freeway…which a freeway I never took before but I just wanted to see something new.

It was great.

And it takes you into Mexico and the San diego county jail (I didn’t know we had one!) and a storage place for blimps.

Man, I wish I had discovered this earlier but am glad I encountered this place now.

Anyway, I suppose I’m in that philosophical mode (not necessarily like Ph.D mode like Dinguspie here) but my life is so weird.

Why do I meet the people that I meet?
Why do certain people reappear?
Why do I meet people at the right time in particular times in my life?
Why are seemingly opportune opportunities presented to me at such turning points in my life?

It’s all so bizarre.

I just got accepted into NYU when my two best friends left me. Just in time to start over.

after I graduated, my best friends in california were like “Dude, when are you moving back?” and I said “NEVER!” I loved New York. I still do now. I will write a love letter (i.e. film) to it one day. I said I was going to live in Brooklyn until I got married. Oh, but life had other plans.

And lo and behold, two of my friends I think are supposed to be together but cannot get together because I am their only link.

Lo and behold I fall madly in (seemingly) love with a guy in San Diego

Lo and behold September 11 ruins my finances.

Then I move back…my friends “get together” thanks to yours truly (that’s a different story) I give my heart (half-way admittedly) and have it given back. I get rid of debts, I buy a car. I get legal experience.

And once I again, I am at an impasse. I am done with a script, I have dailies (unedited footage) in line for editing and a feature script treatment that needs polishing.

I don’t know what to do.

The cool thing about my present situation is that I am single. I feel so free and independent. (although the lack of sexual contact sucks ass…but not really (literally)) I could move to London (but I really can’t because I love my car too much), or visit my sister in Australia (my sister is taking her last semseter in college in Australia, radness).

All I know is that:

1. I need to move away from Caifornia. I did my job (To get my friends together) and experience good ol’ fashioned heartbreak and resentment. Go me! Go life experiences!

2. I need to stop working at a law firm and start doing some film work..I’m scared to be in a dead end job.

3. I need to dye my hair

well, maybe not.

Anyway, it is just weird when a series of life events take you to a particular moment.

Like updating your journal about your series of events taking you to a particular moment.

I want to eat lobster.

so there’s this thing where you are having a get-together (like a birthday) you can send out invites through e-vite.com and people respond and say if they are going or not going.

I decided to utilize this form of communication for my birthday…which, by the way, Gump has indicated he will reveal something shocking…hmmm. Now, nobody will care it is my birthday but Gump’s shocking news (I think I know what it is…bwahahaha. Okay, I have no idea)

Anyway, so I send this out, even to those people who I knew would not be able to come because…you never know…plans might change.

Bad idea.

Well, granted, (did I use that term right? oh well) the important people have already said HELLS YEAH I’M COMING but it is sort of disuading when all these people say no.

Stats as of this date:
-4 people (including me) are going
-2 people said maybe
-5 people have said no.

What’s terrible about this format is that it SHOWS you who have checked their email and simply have not responded. However, I think it might be due to check if it is okay with the significant other to go.

I’m sort of tempted to send it out to people who would probably go but are just too far to go but would click on yes to make me look like the shit.

tee hee, that’s pathetic.

However, if you are interested in doing said motion (emailed the invite and clicking on yes that you are going and adding a clever comment) just leave me a note and you know what? It probably make me feel a lot better because you would PROBABLY go if you lived near me.

My sister hasn’t even said yes. That bitch.

This is the most boring entry ever written.

**

Okay, I’ve decided (while I was typing the ‘short description of this entry) to sort of redeem this boring ass entry with something a little entertaining.

I was messaging a dude in Massachusetts and he was telling me about this girl. I told him to rate her and he said

“10-8-8”

and I was like…what?

and he said “What, Kerbang didn’t tell you our rating system?”

and I said “No. What is it?”

Apparently (according to the respondent) the most accurate and best rating system ever.

First number: face
Second number: trunk
Third number: legs

For goddsakes. That is the WORST rating system ever because I would fail it miserably.

I told him “Dear Lord, I would be
five-negative two-negative five” Which is true.

of course, being the pseudo-gentlemen that he is, he said “shut up”

But, geesh, there is no way for me to surpass that system. If it was like, spelling ability-toes-South Park knowledge I would get high marks. Probably a 9-9-9. Hmm..I like that.

So, I asked him for immunity. He refused unless I fit one of these criteria:

family member
dating one of the guys
immune friend.

I’m sort of trying for the immune friend bit but he told me he had to check with the elders.

He also gave me the option of being adopted by his family so I would be his sister (I refused stating I had too many parents to begin with..including my sister and my brother)

So, I said..Okay, who do I get to date? Ticks off the names. Not a lot of viable choices.

So, I’m trying for the immune friend thing. I might have to buy a pocket vagina to reinstate my ability as immune friend.

We shall see.

(Did that pacify your boredness for the prior boring entry?)

…and I sing my Valley Winter Song.

Sometimes I am just plain weird.

I suppose I was just in a Julie Andrews mood this weekend. I watched two of her movies: Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music.

There’s this scene in Mary Poppins where all the nannies are flying from the line and all of a sudden, Jane says “Michael Look!” and Mary Poppins is floating down from a distance. For some reason, I began to cry.

I think it was because I couldn’t figure out how they got all those nannies to fly and I couldn’t see strings and CGI wasn’t used yet. I was just so amazed.

I cried two more times: When she is taking stuff out of her carpet bag (I still don’t know how she does it) and when Dick Van Dyke was dancing with the penguins– his talent is unsurpassed and now I will never be able to witness it again in another movie.

Further, Mary Poppins was when I thought Disney movies were cool. I was all over “Return to Witch Mountain” and “Bedknobs and Broomstocks”..now my brother’s generation is subjected to “What a Girl Wants”..I mean c’mon.

On Sunday, I watched The Sound of Music and AGAIN, I began to cry.

Now let me explain something: I NEVER CRY. It’s extremely rare. I think the last time I cried was about a year ago when I guy told me “I am not supposed to experience love with you” and “You are not the one” …I mean, ouch, man. However, before that, I cried like 2 years ago when I had a really bad day at work and a customer had her wallet stolen and a cop yelled at me in the span of an hour. I think before that I cried because I might not graduate college because I had no health insurance.

Basically, I cry in very extreme circumstances. And I NEVER cry because of MOVIES!

So, this was such an anomaly for me. I began to cry when they sang and danced to “I am sixteen going on seventeen”; I cried again when the father was singing Edelweiss; I cried when I saw this BEAUTIFUL shot; I cried when they were doing the do re me montage; and I finally cried when the father got the telegram saying he had to join the Third Reich (and he decide to escape)

What I think made me so emotional about that movie was the fact it is SOOO good when I saw it when I was younger (and I didn’t understand the political ramifications) and it’s even better now that I am older. I mean, I guess because a lot of films that I liked when I was younger, (i.e. Ghost) I don’t like now–but The Sound of Music, it gets better each time I see it and after my film training, I see how brilliant it really is.

On the movie note, I saw Drumline today..which I have to say impressed me more than I thought.

It totally made me feel better about being in band (I played clarinet for 5 years and was on the high school Drill Team for a year) and it made it look cool.

My friends want me to make a movie to glorify and make engineers look cool.

it’s a challenge…

But there is only so much magic I can create.

I went to “I’ll Never Speed Again Comedy Traffic School” today. My lord. I had to wake up at 7 in the morning to get to class at 8:45 a.m. in the afternoon and I had to stay at an EL Torito restaurant (where the class was held) until 4:30 in the afternoon.

All this trouble for not making a complete stop at a stop sign.

I think California is in so much financial trouble that they’re ticketing you for breathing the wrona air around here. As if giving every Californian a ticket for living is going to fix the fucking budget around here. Well, it might work…5 gajillion drivers on the freeway, $150.00 per driver…deficit fixed! Yeah right. That pisses me off.

When I got my ticket, I told the police officer that I had diaherria in hopes that a) he would let me off for feeling sorry for me and b) he would let me off for the sheer embarrassment of me having diaherria (I actually didn’t). I don’t think I played the part very well because I still got the damn ticket. I should’ve started crying because, that’s the only things the ladies can do I guess. Too bad I haven’t cried since like…1989 (Remember Rubic’s cube? Damn VH-1 80s videos)



What did people do on the Fourth of July?

I did absolutely nothing. I felt like a total loser since I was home by myself doing…nothing.

Actually, I lie. I went to a party the night before and I was really tired because I got home around 2 or 3 a.m…so on the 4th of July I woke up around noon or something.

Anyway, nothing was really going on and I had nothing to do, so I went to the movie theater to watch Terminator 3 by myself.

Much to my relief, the guy I was sitting next to was also watching by himself. If I had the balls, I would’ve asked him out because, he too, was alone on the 4th of July, watching Terminator 3. (Which, admittedly, I really liked)

I think, mostly, the reason I had nothing to do is because I’ve worked at Starbucks or whatever job I had at the time the past 4 years on the 4th of July.

You see, I think the 4th of July is more depressing than Valentine’s day…well, yeah, I do. Because on Valentine’s day, its for couples. 4th of July is for couples and/or your good friends. I have neither.

Yes, I have no friends here.

Maybe I should rephrase, I have friends here but they all have friends who throw parties. I would be the “guest-starring” friend whereas all these cliques around here are like sitcoms or television shows. I’m not quite a part of the clique but I show up intermittently to “guest star”.

I’m not sure if I want to be part of the show/sitcom or always have the guest star role. Sometimes, you can become the breakout guest star role and then you have a spinoff..however, I have neither the energy or the motivation to have my own show.

Anyway, the problem is that on major holidays, you end up doing absolutely nothing and feeling like crap about your life. I hate major holidays.



I am SERIOUSLY going through the quarter-life crisis. I don’t really like where I am in life I think and I have no idea what to do.

All I know is that I do not want to live in San Diego any longer. Actually California (do you know they’re trying to recall the governor over here?)

I also want to give up film and my lofty dreams of “making it” because — get real. I have neither the motivation nor the energy for that kind of shit. I’m really am full of shit convincing myself that I am ambitious in nature when I am actually full of shit in nature.

Sometimes, I think, what really makes a person? Having friends? Having a career? Not being homeless? Would it really make THAT much difference if I disappeared off of the face of the Earth? I really don’t think so. If nobody updated this diary? WOOOOOO.

Even though I want to give up film, I don’t want to be stuck in law. Maybe I should become a fisherman in Alaska.

I was thinking of moving to London but unfortunately, I have car payments and it would be a waste to sell my car when I’ve already paid a couple thousands. damnit.

I think I’m going to give up on computer guy. I mean, I really like that he’s ambitious, smart and friendly (and cute) but god fucking damnit, he’s flaky as FUCK. Why couldn’t he have like…financial problems or ….I don’t know, an unusual film addiction? Why does his fatal flaw have to be that he cannot seem to keep plans?

I think it is me though because if he REALLY liked me, he would be excited to see me and want to see me. He’s sort of lukewarm and everytime I write him off, he calls me and tells me he wants to see me. What the fuck is that shit?



I went to a party on Thursday. I went with my 4 boyfriends at the time, Bobby, Wilbur, Brian and Ray. I tend to be the only chick amongst guys..it just always works that way. Guys are much more fun anyway.

Anyway, so we go to this party and while we are talking, I think I see my ex..uh…lover (?) actually my like many-nights stand boy talking to my godsister. Should I say hi and interrupt or should I stay with my boys?

Since the boys didn’t know anyone, I essentially stay with them and hang out with them.

But of course, later in the party, we’ll call my ex-lover guy thingy “william”, William comes up to me and says hi.

I have not seen William since last year. He looked a little different…and he had HAIR! Which I found…weird. I just always knew him with the shaved hair look. I’m not sure if it made him look older or younger but just different.

William just accepted a job in Maryland with tons of benefits or something. He is leaving on my birthday..which I guess, is appropriate. It was good seeing him again but I think, this will be the last time I will see him ever again.

So we said our goodbyes. I think he knew that we would never see each other again, so we gave each other a long hard hug. I told him that I appreciated him in my life even though I never told him. He said the same. I suppose when someone is leaving your life, I feel like sometimes they don’t know how much you appreciate them.

I am sort of relieved he is moving away but sort of sad that he is and that he is starting his new life with his new girlfriend (I believe they are moving in together) in his new place. I guess I have mixed feelings about it like…that scene in When Harry Met Sally when Sally hears that her ex-boyfriend is getting married after they broke up “She’s supposed to be his transitional woman, she’s not supposed to be the ONE!”

But, I’m really happy that he’s happy as well. Because, I know deep down, he deserves it. I don’t know if he read this journal (he used to read my old one) but if you are, I wish you the best of luck, “William” tee hee (That’s his middle name)



My lord, what am I going to do with my life? Can I just start over?

I’m going to Starbucks to drink water now.

GOD DAMNIT! My computer is from the M.C. Hammer era. I wrote this fucking rad diary entry about how I discovered the meaning of life and such and it shut down on me!!! Oh well, I guess all you alls will never know the meaning of life for it is lost in the recesses of the internet.9. I got my hair dyed chocolate. It is so good, I want to eat it.8. Speaking of which, when I was in high school, I was one of the people nominated for Class Clown. My friend was the Elections guy and told me I lost by a few votes or so to some ghetto woman. Ghetto, i guess is always funnier. I was the “smart” class clown who would pipe up during the “smart” classes with jokes like “That is so laissez faire” I’m just kidding, I never said that. But, I was reminded of my class clown roots today when I was essentially doing stand-up for my hairdresser and she could barely dye my hair, I was making her laugh so much. (get it roots? hairdresser? ahahahaha)So I guess I’m still funny somehow. I think I’ll become a hairdresser so I can be the stand-up hairdresser with hairdresser jokes (I was making hairdresser jokes)7. In high school (I guess regressing) I also ran for Vice President of some club, I forget. But this was my speech:”You should vote for me because I have no life”Needless to say, I won the position. But I still had no life. Damn you Vice President position! I was supposed to be popular with that one! 6. I am on the Atkins diet but my quarter-life crisis is rapidly approaching and on my date of birth, I am breaking my diet to have KEY LIME PIE!!!!!! YEOW!!! (I’m totally excited. It’s good to have things to look forward to)***THE NEXT FIVE ENTRIES ARE ABOUT GUYS. READ IF YOU DARE.ESPECIALLY THE GUYS BECAUSE ALL GUYS ARE STUPID (YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU UNCLEPUMPKIN, GUMPHOOD AND KERBANG. OH AND DATCHERY BUT HE NEVER READS THIS) AHAHAHAHAHA.5. I went to Starbucks to meet my friend Stacey. While I was waiting, I ordered my usual: Iced Venti No Espresso Extra Wet Americano from this guy named Ed, whom I flirted with a bit and such because he is a cutie. My friend Nina is also working and talks to me as well.Stacey and I meet, we go for sushi, we come back to Starbucks (because her car was there)When I come back, Nina is getting off of work and comes up to me and says “Dude, Ed thinks you are SOOOO hot. He couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful you were. He said something about your face…how it was so…what was it?” (I forgot at this moment) but Anyway,Cute? Yes/MaybeAdorable? Usually when I wear overalls and have my hair in pigtails and am wearing roller skatesHot? WHAT?!?! No. I am not hot. But, here’s the thing (which was an ego boost) if ONE guy thinks I’m hot, at least TWO OTHER guys must think I’m hot..Now to find those two guys…4. I went to the liquor store to buy some cigarettes and when I got out my car (I was parked next to a truck), this guy was obviously staring at me. I thought he wanted to kick my butt or maybe my top was too low or something. But, regardless, I buy my cigarettes and walk back to my car.I get into my car and the guy is still looking at me! So, in an otherwise universe, I would’ve ignored it and driven off but I was in a fiesty mood (I was mad at computer guy) and I stare right back at him.And yes, he was cute.But anyway, he looks down in embarrassment and then looks back at me and I smile at him. He smiles back. He is definitely cute. But I drive off.3. I always said “Oh, when I get a boyfriend, I’m going to the Catalina Islands with him” or “I am going to go to Hearst Castle in Northern California when I get a boyfriend” or “When I get a boyfriend, we are going to fuck on the beaches of Hawaii.”I think, at the rate I am going, I am never going to have a boyfriend. And I’m tired of waiting.SO FUCK THAT SHIT.I’ve decided to go to the Catalina Islands BY MYSELF. I am going to Hearst Castle BY MYSELF. And by golly, I am going to FUCK MYSELF on the beaches of Hawaii BY MYSELF.Essentially, and I talked to Gump about this, I think my problem is that I like to argue and I like guys who argue back. The past…hmmm…three guys I dated (not counting computer guy) were always like..kissing my ass and being nice and all that stuff. That’s not what I want! I want you to challenge to me. A hefty task it seems.Duane (first love) always challenged me and teased me that he was better (hence the love/hate thing)This guy “Ben” (whom I was also in love with) used to argue with me ALL THE TIME. Especially in college and we were called “the married couple”. And it got to the point where he said “If you say the sky is blue, I’m going to say it’s green!!! Just to prove to you that you are WRONG!” (I love that shit)Steve also was an arguer. Admittedly, he was much smarter than I and would fuck around with me. It was much more fun on a topic that we both could argue about. He used to say his favorite drink was the Caramel Macchiato and I would say “That’s the non-conformist conformist drink, you fucking conformist” and he said “What?” and I said that all the non-conformists drink Caramel Macchiatos hence, making them all fucking conformists. Of course that would lead to an argument… I guess that is just my style. But nowadays, everyone wants to be complacent. WAKE THE FUCK UP! And yes, I believe in the death penalty.2. For all of the three people who read this diary (but I think I might’ve lost a few of them from my aforementioned capitalized boys are stupid statement), please recall my boyfriend application.I put one up from this guy, Nate Boxley, who had filled it out.Lo and behold, I am contacted by the REAL Nate Boxley who says that wasn’t him and he was going to figure it out and stuff (so, if you check, I took it down) but we start communicating vis a vis email and instant messenger.Nate Boxley is one strange cat.Maybe you readers (or lack thereof) can help me out. Basically, he is from Massachusetts but the peeps I know in Massachusetts sort of know him but not really (I don’t know, their answers were vague) but he doesn’t seem to be near them anyway. He’s an interesting kid but there’s something…weird about him (for lack of a more euphonious term). So we have been emailing each other and he was telling me all this crazy stuff but now…I haven’t heard from him in a few days. I’m a bit worried.So if anybody in cyberspace knows this kid, please check on him and tell him that I will always keep our promise.No matter what. 1. Computer guy update:So yes, computer guy is back from northern California and has called three times since.BOYS, I don’t get you. Are you interested or not? What the fuck? He says that his life is a lot less hectic meaning: I will have a lot of time for you this week. (uh-huh)AND he got a PDA. (ooooooh. c’mon everyone, say it with me…OOOOOOOHHH) (PDA is jargon for Palm Pilot)…so his life will be a little more organized. I’m not going to hold my breath or anything.He also mentioned that he wanted to see Hulk and 28 Days Later with me. In actuality, I’ve been saving 28 Days Later so I can see it with him so I can like, grab him and snuggle and all those disgusting-so-sweet-its-giving-me-cavities-stuff. So, SUPPOSEDLY were going to see it this week.He also knows about this diary but I refused to give to him the address/link thingy because there goes my free ranting about him. If I do give it to him, expect a lot of edits (which I really don’t want to do. Because if you notice, if I edited, I wouldn’t have all these damn grammatical mistakes which, when I reread this it’s like FUCK!)And, he knows my birthday is coming up and has reserved it for me. That bastard.I guess I’m still giving him a chance because he bought me Key Lime Pie and we shared a piece for dinner once.And that’s how you get me (other than the arguing and being an animal in bed thing)

Things I did today:

went to work
clean my room after I got home from work (which has been sloppy for the past month)
did my laundry
alphabetized my dvds
made my bed
update this diary as we speak

Things I want to do today:

watch my new dvd “Punch Drunk Love”
finish another chapter of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe”
finish the book “Don’t sweat the small stuff on losing weight”
go to the movie theater and watch the new music video that is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”
eat dinner

Thing I have to do today that I have been avoiding:

Finish my script. (1st draft)


It’s interesting how old habits don’t die. When I was school and I had a script due, I would completely procrasinate and say things like “Oh, I can’t really concentrate if that sweater is on the floor” “Oh, I should really catch up on my correspondence” “Hmm…I should look on amazon and see if there is any ben folds cds I don’t have” but..anything to avoid me typing up a script. Then its 2 hours before the deadline and I’m typing like a madman.

Anyway, I think I got all of the “distracting” factors out of the way so right after I’m done with this entry, I will start typing my piece of crap.

DAMN YOU SCRIPT! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Okay, I think I’m done procrastinating.

It’s interesting how you can be bored all these weekends and not do a damn thing or say “I should really…do my laundry” but you don’t do shit but with a deadline looming, things seem much more pertinent.

Okay, okay, I’m digressing.

Oh…computer guy just called.. It’s okay, it’s only 6:45 p.m….I have until midnight west coast time to finish this….

hey, I should really download some more songs…..

So call me a geek, dweeb, nerd if you want to but..

I actually went to a Harry Potter Book Releasing Party over at Border’s on Friday night. Got the book around 2:00 a.m., got home around 3:00 a.m….so excited that I read the book around 4:00 a.m. and then went to bed.

HOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SINCE I’VE BOUGHT
HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX (the phoenix…. the phoenix….the phoenix…echo…echo…echo…)

10. I actually have something to do on Friday night (woah!! I’m indicating the party)

9. I finished the book today. This entailed:

1 hour on Friday
6 hours on Saturday
5 hours on Sunday
1 lunch hour on Monday
1 workout hour on the stationary bike at the gym.

8. As some of the fans know, a character dies in the book. I actually reached this part of the book when I was riding the stationary bike at the gym. Now let me ask you this…what the hell was I supposed to do? I could feel the tears beckoning to be released from my eyes as I read about the death…but also, how EMBARRASSING would it be to found crying at the gym??? So, to calm myself down, I read a past chapter when the character was still alive. I’m such a dork. But, I could feel the hard knot in my throat! DAMN YOU HARRY POTTER! DAMN YOU! Actually…DAMN YOU VOLDEMORT DAMN YOU!!!!

7. This weekend was actually quite a busy one for yours truly and usually I welcome the “life” or having one but I found myself very irritated this weekend. All I wanted to do was go home and finish the damn book. I think that book has eye heroin.

6. At the book release party, I was waiting for my number to be called (I was number 573 and there was about 1,000 people there, so my spot wasn’t TOO bad) and I heard somebody call my name.

My dreaded nightmare. To be at a Harry Potter book release party and to see someone you know.

And who did I see?

None other than a guy I used to have a crush on in my junior year of college.

Interestingly enough, he’s a bit shorter than I remember him, gained a significant amount of weight and wasn’t that cute. This, of course, gave me a boost of confidence and I flirted with him and his friend(s) mercilessly. I’m terrible.

Turns out he’s a big time pothead and went to UCLA to study History (now THAT was a surprised. He wanted to be a film critic in high school) Anyway, he is still cute so I had fun talking to him even though when he first called my name, I tried to hide behind a Paul Walker magazine.

5. Since I have just finished the book…I feel like I have no meaning in life…because it was something I looked forward to doing. Now, it’s over. goddamnit. It’s like a double edged sword…wanting to finish it so badly and after finishing it…you wish you were just beginning. It’s a lot like sex I think.

4. Even MORE interestingly enough, I get a call from one of my friends in the East Coast. He calls around midnight, which I don’t mind at all (I don’t mind getting calls at anytime really…because at least SOMEONE is calling me..and I get to hear Hiro’s song ring when they call…tee hee) but…it was like 3 in the morning his time.

“John?”
“Sharon! How the hell are you?”
“John, isn’t it like three in the morning there? Not that I mind the phone call…”
“It sure is!”
“Are you DRUNK?”
“I sure am!!”

ahahahahahaha. that cracks me up.
His friend also wanted to talk to me. Things he said that were quite entertaining:

“My penis is so huge, it wraps around my waist”
“Eh, you must be a lesbian” (what?)
“I expected your voice to be a lot higher” (what?)

Needless to say, with the new Harry Potter book coming out, talking to two drunk guys on the phone and running into an old high school crush, it must almost too much to stand.

Now my life is going to be boring again.

I think I’m going to read the third and fourth book. I want to be excited again.

P.S. Has anyone seen Computer Guy? because I haven’t. ahahahaha

Do you have an on-again, off-again girlfriend?

(If so, please discard form)

Name:

Age:

Height:

Phone(s):

Eye Colour:

1. What does the word “vernacular” mean?

2. In the equation PV=nRT, please name each of the variables.

3. Blowjob: impeachable offense? yes or no?

4. What are your ten FAVORITE movies RIGHT NOW?

(If Drop Dead Fred is on list, please discard form)

5. Which would you prefer? A girlfriend who is:

sexy or cool?

funny or sophisticated?

passive or aggressive?

intelligent or social butterfly?

on top or doggie style?

6. Have you been in therapy? (If yes, please explain. If no, please explain)

7. How much do you earn (approximately) in a year? [This answer does not mean you may be disqualified, rather, an indication of how much will be needed on the employer’s part]

8. What is the most creative (not necessarily romantic) thing you have done for another girl? [If answer is involves roses, chocolate or dinner, please discard this form)

9. Are you religious? [If Mormon, please discard this form]

10. How many times a week is an adequate amount? (If less than 3, please discard this form)

11. Who is your favorite comic?

12. Please list these shows in order of brilliance:

Jackass

South Park

Futurama

Friends

X-Files

13. George Carlin is:

a.) The 31st president

b.) A diplomat from France circa 1932

c.) One of the founding fathers of profanity/profane controversy

d.) The inventor of the Pet Rock

14. Please list this in order of importance:

acne

warts

cellulite

haliotosis

excess hair

15. sex before relationship or relationship before sex?

16. Astrological sign and what it means to you.

17. a.)Can you read? (If not, please discard this form)

b.)If so, what do you usually read?

18. It is 8:15 p.m. and you are due to meet me at 8:30 p.m. The place we are meeting is more than 30 miles away. What do you do?

a) Go home. It will take too long. Call back tomorrow and treat me to a nice breakfast to make up for the missed appointment.

b) Call and say you are running late…about an hour late due to traffic

c) Suggest to meet somewhere else at 8:30 p.m.

d) Masturbate. What the hell are you supposed to do? It’s hopeless.

19. The film American Psycho: What do you think it is REALLY about?

20. Please write a short essay:

21. How often do you smoke marijuana/do drugs (if answer is daily, please discard form)

* Please draw a picture of yourself.

***********************************************************

Official Boyfriend Disclaimer/Release Form:

COMES NOW, Applicant _______ (initial here) state under penalty of perjury that I am a relatively cute guy of sound mind and body, am under no legal infirmities or incarceration, not presently subject to any present/current marriages in the United States and elsewhere.

FURTHER, if called to testify to court, will indicate under law that I am a U.S. Citizen or have green card and not looking for a ticket to America.

HENCEFORTH, I am ecstatic to be considered for the position of “Boyfriend of Sharon” that I cannot eat nor sleep until this application is under submission. I understand the terms and agreements of being the “Boyfriend of Sharon” and am fully aware the high demand and necessity from other prospective suitors. I further fully understand that Sharon will only take one boyfriend at a time from the millions of applications/submissions received. Moreover, I understand that I am willing to take the chance and the mere opportunity to be considered, even if not chosen to be said BOYFRIEND, is gratitude enough for forever and a lifetime*

THEREFORE, I, the undersigned, waive all right against lawsuits, attorneys’ fees, damages, costs, resentments, jealous rages, demands and liabilities that I may now or hereafter have against Sharon in connection with the use of the rights granted herein.

Dated:

Name:

Witness: