Minimal Effort

I am going out of control.

My pants are too tight and I was unfortunate enough to have not a lot of gas to drive home and pick up my chicken. So I have to deal with the snacks here.

I can’t find my tweezers so now I’m growing a unibrow that would put Jason Schwartzmann [read, the Rushmore guy] to shame.

My hair is dead. I need a haircut.

My finances are out of control. I keep buying stuff of Amazon in hopes that a boy will like me.

I ran over a chipmunk. I have never seen a chipmunk in my life and so I thought I really ran over a squirrel. The only chipmunk material i have ever seen is Alvin and the Chipmunks [i love them. my favorite is Simon of course—he has the glasses].

Remember that movie where Alvin and the Chipmunk and Britney and the Chippettes had a race to fly across the world? I miss that. That was one of my favorite movies.

What am I talking about, it still is one of my favorite movies.

I need to change my frienster account and make sure I add that.

I bought a rap…or is it hip hop? cd last night at Target. And a cover for the toilet lid THAT DOESN’T FIT!

The planets must be aligned and conspiring against me. I must be destroyed.

In the words of Lisa, Fucking FIN.

[I’m craving seafood from Kelly’s now. THANKS LISA]

I am so embarrassed.

There’s this kid in college, Keith, who I had a crush on. Instead of kind of whimpering about it, I went up to him and asked him to “hang out” [read: go on a date] and he said “yes”. We went to watch Requiem for a Dream and then a late dinner at some famous diner in NYC.

granted, I was ecstatic. Needless to say, we had fun but there was no “chemistry” I suppose. I mean, it was a good time, but I didn’t go home dreaming of him at night and I’m sure he didn’t either.

Anyway, so I see him on Friendster! Good ol’ Keith. And so, thinking it would be harmless, I wrote how I used to have a crush on him.

Oh GOD. And he responded with THIS testimonial:

*** Sharon had a crush on me in college. Maybe the other Keith too, but definitely me because she asked me to hang out one time and I said “okay” and a bunch of people I didn’t know were coming up to me all week and going, “Hey, you’re Sharon’s friend, right?” or “How’s Sharon?” or “I know SOMEONE who’s got a date this weekend” or “You and Sharon are going out! That’s soooo cute!” or “I am sooo glad you’re going out with Sharon; maybe now she’ll shut up about you.” I kid you not. Sharon apparently has a lot of friends and they apparently know a hell of a lot more about me than i do about them. Oh, and if anyone needs to borrow Sharon’s wheelchair, it’s in my apartment. ***

OH GOD. I am so embarrassed if that happened. Damn my friends. Damn my popularity and damn my naiveity. I suck hardcore.

Anyway, now from this, I’m trying to learn a lesson. Never ask guys on dates because your friends will ruin you.

I wonder if this happened with every guy I went on a date with in college? Hmmm..

I’m STILL EMBARRASSED!

Phillip has won the hearts and minds of the roommates.

I lie. He only won the stomachs. He made some badass yellow chicken and rice which I haven’t had in FOREVER.

Here are things that girls commonly complain about in diaryland.

I’m fat
I like a boy–does he like me?
I hate my mom
I hate my dad
I love my friends
I hate my job
I wish I had a job
I’m depressed
I wish I were popular
There’s this girl–she’s a bitch
There’s this girl–she’s a whore
There’s this girl–I hate her…she’s trying to destroy me!
I can’t choose between two guys
I like using exclamation marks!!!
Guys only see me as a friend
I’m having sex with this guy, does he respect me?
I love my boyfriend sooooooo much
I hate my boyfriend sooooooo much

I try to avoid talking about the aforementioned.

But that’s an attempt not a promise. Sorry.

I need something new to talk about.

I’m sick and tired of talking about boys, my job, my roommates, my house.

I want to talk about something odd and especially when i don’t have gas. I always have gas at night. Does my body save it for when I am alone?

Kerbang and I went to Target a couple of days ago to buy stuff for the apartment and when I looked to talk to him, I saw he had Astroglide in his pocket and I burst out laughing.

He looked surprised [yeah right] and took it out and asked what it was used for.

C’mon dude, you know what it is used for.

It ended up in my car and I used it for some activity wherein I was pretending I was a DJ.

My entries are always the best when somebody else writes ’em. Why is that? Because they’re mocking me?

I’m tired about writing about boys, my roommates, my job, my house. I wish I was talking about how much sex I was having instead and so I can sicken you.

I also have blue nails.

I made myself a pedicure. So now I have blue nails and blue toenails.

There’s a theory about girls who take care of their toes, take care of their business in their underwear. But you know what? And I was one of those girls, and proud to be btw, who took care of her business.

but it’s been so long that anyone has been down there, what’s the point anymore.

i’m sick of talking about boys who pay attention to me and who don’t pay attention to me. I’m sick of hanging out with boys who don’t see me as a potential but as a friend. FUCK YOU ALL. I HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS.

Goddamn, I’m moody. I want to lock myself in my room, sulk, mope and think about how guys have no fucking guts to do shit and the guys who guts to do shit are just my friends anyway.

I hate you all. [again]

Okay, so Nelson pissed me off tonight. I mean, hot damn, how rude!

Lisa and I were watching the Season Finale of Friends. Granted, I’m no longer an avid watcher–because I have work and other things going on but I did watch it a lot when I was younger and I do want to see how it closes out.

Well, I think Lisa is the same way with me, so we made it a Friends night.

So we’re watching and we’re enjoying it. Kevin and John get home and Kevin starts talking through the show and says how much he hates the show . okay, fine, you don’t like the show—but don’t ruin it for others who are trying to watch it…especially since Lisa and I don’t watch television downstairs too much.

It gets worse. Nelson comes down and starts talking to it in the last 10 minutes of the show and declaring it the worst show ever.

Okay, FINE, WORST SHOW EVER. Can you NOT inform us of this fact AFTER the show?! THEN THEN THEN in the last few moments of the show, he takes the remote control AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL. FUCK DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK! IT WAS ALMOST FUCKING DONE.

So, we missed the credits, no big deal. The big deal is that he was rude enough to change the channel while we were watching it. Like, conversely, if he was watching his damn Patriots game and I changed it during the first quarter [because, nothing happens in the first quarter], I get yelled at because “EVERY MOMENT COUNTS”…yeah, it counts so much you left the room. But the case is, that was rude. All you had to do was wait a little bit longer and we would be done. FIN. End of story.

BUT NO. Such rudeness pisses me off to no end.

Strike number 2 is that he made this household chores list. Like, fine, household chores…what are we 3 years old? Are we not adults? What the fuck. What are you, our father? Nelson has control issues and because John has received a lot of power because of his clear cut, reasonable and fair outline, Nelson wants the power shifted back to him…hence, the whole chores and our “chore buddy”—the guy who checks that you actually did the chore.

dude, that is RIDICULOUS.

So, I’m pissed. I’m so pissed I don’t want to talk to him and that’s rare. Like, I can’t look at him.

I’m glad Lisa feels the same way. This feels good to type out yo.

Kevin James is making me feel better. I accused him of being so mean to me and he said “you love it”

It’s true, I do. And in response I said “I know.”

So I am missing a key from my keyboard. This is ghetto because whenever I need to press that key, i need to grab a pen and press it with the pen tip pen…and my desk has two keys on it.

Ooooooh, and the culprit of the matter feigns innocence. I don’t know how he knew that I wrote him a “message” on his keyboard since the message was destroyed by another person, however, war has begun.

War was the card game I won 20 bucks over in Vegas. Go *igure.

I am slightly sick.

I bought the new NERD cd. Although Bee* argues that it sucks, I think it’s catchy as hell (although, I LOVE the 1st cd a whole lot more).

I’m thinking o* dating again, but I don’t know…do I want to deal with a bunch o* dumb guys again?

I went on a dating spree around this time last year and all the guys liked me but I didn’t like them. Is it me? Am I a dumbass? Am I being too picky? Or are the bulk o* guys I agree to go out with just really what’s le*t on the *ood chain?

That would kind o* suck because a lot o* my coworkers (a *ew who read this now) are pretty decent guys and THEIR single.

Is it because were tech geeks? Dude, these people know how to party.

And the assholes get the girl. I know, I’ve dated a couple o* them. But there is something endearing about the asshole. Girls don’t want a gentlemen–okay, I know I don’t . I want a challenge. Someone who doesn’t let me get away with SHIT. Someone who keeps me on my toes.

However, when I did date [it’s not too hard to get a date, I think, but maybe i’m just being stuck-up or “caliornian” i you will.] it was so aw*ul, I said “THAT’S IT! I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER ALONE!” Which is true. The stress *actor decreased signi*icantly.

Okay, this key is bugging me. I’m stealing a co-worker’s keyboard. uck this shit.

oh springtime, all i think about are boys. Who am I kidding, I think that all the time.

In the last episode of “The Sharon Show”

*Sharon goes to Vegas!
*Drunken Debauchery!
*Sharon is in third place on fantasy football!
*Sharon gets contacts and her hair cut!
*Sharon reads Cosmo!
*Sharon drinks Diet Coke!

In this episode of “The Sharon Show”…

*Sharon is sent home from work!
*Sharon is afraid that she is going to get fired!
*Sharon is being searched on the web!
*Sharon is FUCKING FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS!!
*Sharon goes to work this morning, 3 minutes late for an IMPORTANT MEETING and is trying to stifle her coughing so nobody notices her lateness!
*After the meeting, Sharon goes to her keyboard to find that it has been fucked with by a co-worker!

In the next episode of “The Sharon Show”…
*Sharon will wreak revenge on fellow coworker!
*Sharon is falling asleep as she types this because of Nyquil!*Sharon is still afraid of getting fired!
*Sharon has gas!
*Sharon eats chicken!
*Sharon has diet coke!
*Sharon will write another entry!

As we speak, I am in San Diego and I am sick.

I have lost hearing in my left ear.

I am coughing up the darkest, greenist phelgm I have ever seen

I am loud by nature–my talking has risen up to 10 decibels because I really can’t hear myself talk

I am afraid to pop my eardrum on the plane.

Even though I am sick, (I have not been sick for a long time. My mother seems to think it is the drastic change in weather…I tend to agree. It’s fucking hot as hell over here. How did I live with this before?) Vegas, vegas, vegas.

Vegas was FUCKING AWESOME.

There’s something about bonding with your co-workers that makes Vegas awesome.

There’s also something about being drunk in Vegas with your coworkers. And we are talking DRUNK like you have never been drunk before.

Two words:

OPEN BAR

My company sure knows how to take care of their workers. The party started around 9pm. I came in around 1230 or 1am…so, I’m about 4 hours late. (I’m coming STRAIGHT from the airport as directed by my roommate Kevin [Kevin was also out in Vegas]) Kevin and Jeff are fucking DRUNK out of their minds. They were both slurring and Kevin kept insisting that he and I take pictures. So we took like 10. Me–obviously sober. Him—completely drunk.

THEN, they wanted me to catch up and ordered my 3 long island iced teas (like I’m really going to drink that in 5 minutes) a shot of sex on the beach and a shot of something else. They wanted me drunk and they wanted me drunk FAST.

Other than that, WHIV SIV is all I’m going to say. Let’s just say, one of my new coworkers nicknames is “Tripod” and I was not sleeping in the room that people thought I would be sleeping in.

No, I did not get laid.

But I could’ve. heh heh heh.

WHIV SIV!!!!

I would want to reveal more but I sure really go to bed. I have to drive back to Vegas tomorrow to catch a flight into Boston. 😦

However, I imagine, when I get back to work, everyone will still be going through detox and an awkwardness will be present.

Don’t you just love that shit?