I was recounting memories with a friend of mine last night and said that there was a moment in my life where I could have chosen two different paths: Path A led to a freelancing life, wondering where my next paycheck was going to come from, part-time coffee maker, part-time Production Assistant…with the hope I can become a writer-director and moving up the ranks of the film industry. Path B led to a corporate job, adjacent to the film field filled with comfortable practical things such as health insurance and a steady paycheck.
In the end, I chose Path B. The cushy life.
And I will say, I have a pretty good life: a great committed boyfriend who loves the same things and activities as I do, two great corgis who think my bf and I are the best humans on Earth, a quirky apartment filled with any sort geeky technological toys that can fill up the day and a steady job with people I like to work with. So, life complete, right?
However, when I was talking to my friend, I indicated that nothing really sort of excites me anymore. The most exciting thing I ever felt about my life was when I was accepted to NYU Film School. I had so much hope, such big dreams and even bigger ambition. The possible potential of how far and how high I can go seemed endless. I loved college and if I could have a career in taking college classes, I would do that forever. Even more so, if money was no object in our society, I would take college classes for free.
But then society gets in the way of your hopes, dreams and potential. Well, the bigger query is: did society get in the way or did reality get in the way? If I had a scale, the weight of practical things outweigh the weight of passion. I suppose it depends on how you’re built. I’m built for practicality I guess. I hate it though. I hate being practical and it haunts me to this day.
So the questions lies: does passion die? Did my passion die to become a filmmaker and make stories that mean something? Can I just be happy with my comfortable life? I can afford to travel to places for FUN dependent on my vacation time. I have a MiniCooper to look forward to in the coming months. I’m triathalon training. And yet, why do I still feel this emptiness from the inability of being able to do something I’m passionate about? What do people do when they can’t pursue their passion? Where does the passion go?
A part of me wishes it dies so I can just be happy with my life. My great comfortable life. A life where I watch a movie trailer and instead of feeling sad that it’s not MY trailer on that screen, I feel excited that a great movie is coming out. A life where talking and watching films are just enough for me.
I still have dreams of making a movie, of having a story to tell. Sometimes I wish that dream would die so I wouldn’t have to write pathetic blog entries about what could’ve been and the life I’ve decided to live with.
Month: June 2011
Triathalon Jitters
So….I’m training for a triathalon. Sort of.
To be honest, there’s a part of me that wants to drop out because I haven’t been following the schedule the past two weeks. I’ve done most of the running (above and beyond what the schedule calls for because I was training for my half marathon that I finished this past Sunday). I have not ridden my bike ONCE and I’ve been to swim practice twice.
However, I will say it’s not because I’m at home, sitting on my ass thinking about not going to triathalon training. I drove up to Boston to get to a wedding (because my boyfriend and I couldn’t bear not to see our friends get married…especially since this is one of the few weddings that he isn’t the “plus 1” since we both know the couple) and then haul ass and drive 7 hours to Annapolis for my 7am start time for the Zooma race. So the week leading up to that (which I DID go to swim practice) and the few days after that weekend (today), I am just exhausted.
So now that I’ve missed the first two weeks, I wonder if I should drop out. Here is my list of Pros and Cons:
Pros to stay with Triathalon Training:
–I have the running bit down. A 10k just seems so much relaxing than a half marathon
–I have already raised more than half of my fundraising minimum in the first week of triathalon training
–I have 3 honored teammates that I said I would do this in honor of them
–Hopefully, I can lose some weight
–Chad said he might train with me (and do an October sprint tri with me in Gettysburg)
Cons to stay with Triathalon Training (and give up)
–Dude, it is freaking HOT/HAWT out here
–I have yet to ride my bike
–I haven’t been consistently doing my training per training sheet like I should be
–I don’t have a car yet, so getting to practices is costing me a fortune
–It’s early enough that I can drop out and not feel like I wasted time….
–I am the worst swimmer on the team
So basically, now that I’m looking at my list, mostly me freaking out about not being able to practice enough. I have 94 days left. Is there enough time to get in triathalon shape? September 11 doesn’t seem very far away, to be honest.
Overwhelmed Mcwhelmingson
I’m a bit overwhelmed with life a bit. So much so, I broke down and bought one of those dorky At-A-Glance calendars to keep everything straight. Because of the overwhelmingness, as well, I have lost my metro card (twice), my work badges (yes, plural), got a speeding ticket, forgotten my towel for the gym (I tried shaking like a dog in the shower, didn’t work, so used my yoga pants) and for swim practice (used my t-shirt to dry off), and my umbrella (in which Chad found a replica on ebay and rebought for me! Best boyfriend ever?)
Here’s a breakdown in the life of ME! YES ME DAMMIT! LOOK AT ME!! SEE ME!! (Sorry, this was inspired by a person I know who just constantly needs attention at her. I wanted to try it out to see how it felt. I could see why she does this all the time, I feel better about myself.)
1. Half Marathon Training: Thankfully, this is coming to a close. A bizarre season I must say and I totally did not train for this as much as I should have. I’m doing two in the month of June (ZOOMA Annapolis and Rock N’ Roll Seattle) so, I’m thinking of it as a half marathon and then tapering for the other half marathon. This would free up my schedule considerably but then….
2. Triathalon Training: I took the crazy pills and decided to do triathalon training and I’m already exhausted. I started writing an entry about my first swim practice (which I may or may not publish) and how overwhelmed I was but that would be lying—because that indicates past tense. I am STILL overwhelmed. And the only thing I sort of have down pat, is the running bit. I haven’t even sat on my bike yet for training (I have ridden it four times…two of those times to the dentist because I was too cheap to get a Zipcar). Anyway, this schedule is crazier than the running schedule! I think this one Triathalon will be it. One and DONE. Also, today marks the 100 days until my triathlon. Yep, have a countdown calendar too, so I can freak out daily.
3. Sign Language Course: I was sent this Groupon by a deaf friend of mine (I had told her interpreter/fiance that I wanted to learn) because I decided I needed something to do on my ONE day off from Triathalon training (which is Fridays). I was dreading going to the first class last week, thinking what an idiot I was to sign up for this, why was I going—I have like 1 deaf friend— and maybe I should just eat the money…but then the class was AWESOME. I had a great time and was really inspired. The hour blew by and I can’t wait till my next class. I’m only taking the first four introductory classes but will probably take a full blown semester course when my schedule is not so crazy.
The main reason I wanted to take sign language? I have met enough deaf people out in public (at a restaurant or at a subway) and I always wanted to know what they were saying OR be the cool girl who is talking and doesn’t look like I know sign language and then BAM, my hands are talking to you. Yes, for the few moments of surprise factor to deaf people, I wanted to learn sign. Also, I suck at all other languages, here’s a chance to redeem myself.
4. We have a new puppy: This means puppy class, puppy maintenance and puppy daycare. A lot of shuttling, a lot of patience. Last week our puppy had the runs and we live on the 25th floor, so needless to say, we have gone through almost 3 bottles of spot and odor cleaner. I will say Cricket is improving on holding his bladder, so good for Cricket. There are definitely results with us trying to keep a consistent schedule. Daycare is also the best thing ever because he comes home so tired. One night I had to carry his limp little body to his crate because he was so pooped.
5. Odds and ends: buying a new car, out of town friends, two weddings to go to, vet appointments, dinner reservations, our cavies, cleaning the apartment so I don’t eat my arm, and the boyfriend complaining that I’m always tired (’tis true. I’ll come home and go straight to bed, sometimes fully clothed).
I’m not complaining but I really need to pare down things in order to appreciate my activities fully instead of having it be “another thing that has to be done”.
So right now, I’m half assing everything but once the running training has lifted up and the Sign Language course is over, I should be fully assing everything appropriately.
Minimal Effort 