Month: March 2005

Dear Diary,

I called a therapist on Monday but she was on vacation! That wench. So i’m on the prowl for another one.

Bah. Therapists. I’m kidding. It’s interesting how I always think “do they even really care or what?” But my last therapist seemed to care, so i guess it’s all on trust and shit.

Dude, I have not seen a therapist since sophomore year in college. Damn. They’re expensive.

In other news, I drove to work today and saw that the pond had frozen over and for some reason, for some reason…it made me feel a lot better.

I think my chemicals are not made for long winters. This was like the longeest winter of my LIFE.

And after that, I talked to a couple of people and opened up to them…albeit, it was hard [although it probably didn’t look hard to my friends] and they have welcomed me with open arms.

like wow.

I told 4 of my friends [all in MA] and my sister and they ALL said the same thing: “Dude, we are not your friends in California. This time will be different. We will not let you go astray.” I hope so. I’m still pretty scared.

Regardless, things are looking up. I’m going to see a movie this Friday [the last movie I saw was in January, Sidways…a great flick]…which I’m not too too excited about but hopefully, when Star Wars comes out, my thirst for film will come back.

Furthermore, Vegas is coming up in about 2 weeks. Again, I was afraid that I would be depressed and lame but the weather is looking good and there’s a tinge of me that is looking forward to the change in weather.

Then we have me moving out of my current apartment. Yes folks, I’m going from 8 roommates to 1 roommate. That, I’m rather scared and excited about because:

a) I know my roommate. He got me my current job.
b) He’s around enough for company but gone enough [and has a gf] that i can have the tv to myself some nights.
c) he already knows I’m all about diet coke and chicken.

However,

a) if i were to have a bf [that ain’t happening this year, i can gurantee that] he would know about it.
b) if i were to have any guy friends over [he mostly knows all of them], I will be teased mercilessly.

However, however:

a) I will probably be prone to see my current roommates more often because I will look forward to visiting them.

Okay, that is all.

I want to thank all of the people who listened to me bitch and who comforted me..you know who you are [extra special thanks to christine and jasmine]. You know how i get….i just withdraw and it takes a lot of coaxing to get out.

Once I’m out again though, world WATCH OUT BITCHES.

wow, i totally had a depressing day today.
but then my friend mike called me out for drinks.
and now i’m totally loaded and loving life. dude, we got so ripped, that my friend mike hurled on his porch.
good times, good times.
damn, i type good.

So this is week 3 of my new shift.

First week: I wake up early…this is great! i can do so many things in the daytime and i’ll have so much more time to do more work, be a more efficient worker, and be the workity working bee. I start writing notes, updating our database, reading books and stuff, get my emails, keep everything clean.

Second week: I wake up an hour or two before I have to get to work. Don’t do errands, but get my coworkers lunch, take my best friend out for his birthday, read a book at night, play free cell, chat with friends online. Not as efficient nor hardworking, but get a good amount of work done anyway. Come in on Friday to see a demo.

Third week [this week]: Wake up barely in time to make it into work. Get home at 2am…stay up watching 24 until 5am…wake up barely in time to get to work on time. Come into work 15 minutes late. Watched two movies thus far [Saw and Punch Drunk Love…which i’ve seen already]..trying to break my streak on Free Cell. Chat with my sister. Clean my email box.

gah. so much potential and i’m back to itunes, free cell and watching movies. so much for my workity work ethic…

(x) been drunk.

(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex

( ) kissed a member of the same sex

( ) crashed a friend’s car

(_) been to Japan

(x) ridden in a taxi

(x) been in love

(x) been dumped

(x) shoplifted

( ) been fired

( ) been in a fist fight

(x) snuck out of my parent’s house

( ) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex

( ) ever dated someone of the same sex

(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back

(_) been arrested

(x) made out with a stranger [oh god, DID I?!]

(x) stole something from my job

(x) celebrated new years in Times Square

(x) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend

(x) had a crush on a teacher

(_) celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans

(x) been to Europe

(x) skipped school

(x) slept with a co-worker

(x) cut myself on purpose

(_) been married

(_) gotten divorced

(_) had children

(_) seen someone die.

(_) been to Africa

(x) had a crush on one of my Live journal/Diaryland friends

( ) Slapped someone I loved

(x) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball

( ) Been to Canada

(x) Been to Mexico

(x) Been on a plane

(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show

(x) Thrown up in a bar bathroom

( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire [accidentally? yes]

(x) Eaten Sushi

(x) Been snowboarding

(x) Met someone in person from the internet [worst mistake ever]

(_) Been moshing at a concert [i’ve been moshed by a mosher..]

( ) had real feelings for someone you knew only online

(_) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself

( ) been in an abusive relationship

( ) been pregnant or got someone pregnant

( ) lost a child

(x) gone to college

(x) graduated college

(X) tried killing yourself

(x) taken painkillers for fun

(X) intentionally burned yourself (cigarette burns?)

(x) love someone or miss someone right now.

Life Lesson #11:
If you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, they you’ll keep getting what you’ve always been getting.
You must courageously break the habit of your habits, or every year you will be doomed to live out: “Same shit, Different Outfit.” The style of my clothes may change, but the style of my circumstances won’t.
Which brings me to this story:
“The Elephant Truly Never Forgets”
The first trick an elephant trainer teaches an elephant is not to escape. When the elephant is still but a baby, the trainer chains the infant’s leg to a hug log…so when/if the elephant tries to escape, the log proves to be stronger and the elephant gives up.
Eventually, the elephant becomes so used to its captivity, that even when it has grown huge and strong, all the trainer has to do is merely tie the chain around the elephant’s leg to anything—even a tiny little twig—and the elephant won’t even try to escape…
so what did we learn here?
The elephant has become a prisoner of its past.
and sometimes, i think i have become a prisoner of my past, of my childhood and i need to stop that shit.
But, then, so what? That was then and this is now. Time has passed. I can let go and move on…can’t I?
I need to step back from the fucking twig.
and here’s the trick: to see that’s it’s only a little tiny twig.
TAKE THAT YOU TWIG!
Which brings in life lesson #12.
In order to see the path to what you want, you must see clearly what is holding you back.
And obviously, I hold myself back.

The secret to happiness is in 3 words:

1. rationalize
2. rationalize
3. rationalize

So…look at it this way.

Your enemies = your teachers
Your failure = your wisdom
Your mistakes = your lucky discoveries
Your conflicts = your growth opportunities
Your undesired endings = your desirable beginnings
Your grapes of wrath = your raisons d’etre
Your painful feelings = your proud proof that you are dealing with your feelings–head on!

FIN…for now.

You scored as Kevin Millar. You are Kevin Millar! You are very friendly and free-spirited which makes you a cool person to be around. You have a lot of charisma and have the ability to ease any tensions and allow people to loosen up. Kevin Millar90%Johnny Damon83%Jason Varitek70%Theo Epstein70%Curt Schilling47%David Ortiz43%Manny Ramirez40%Mark Bellhorn30% Which Red Sox Player Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

I was supposed to do this like, 2 months ago but now i have time because i went to NO parties this week, so instead of recovering from a party, holed up in my room–i will be typing this entry, holed up in my room.

1.) WHAT’S THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC FILES ON YOUR COMPUTER?

on this particular laptop, i have only 334 songs [i a ton more at my computer at work]. and i usually play my itunes when i’m playing spider solitaire.

2.)WHAT WAS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?

Hmmm. It was Modest Mouse…something about the Antarctica. The Moon and Antarttica? It’s at work, i listen to it at work.

3.) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG LISTENED TO BEFORE GETTING THIS MESSAGE?

“Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind.

4.) WRITE DOWN FIVE SONGS YOU OFTEN LISTEN TO OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU.

A)”Mr. Blue Sky” By the Electric Light Orchestra people [i forget]. I ALWAYS play this when it’s raining because it makes me happier, and i feign that it is NOT raining…and it reminds me of my first winter in Massachusetts…where it really wasn’t that cold and i only had to drive through a blizzard once. [twice, if you count the one in tennessee..]

B) “Annie Waits” by Ben Folds. I think it’s for obvious reasons but essentially, describes my love life to a tee…and whenever I listen to it, I feel a lot better about being single and that, you know what, i probably will fall in love somebody who i already know.

C) “Don’t Change Your Plans for Me” by Ben Folds Five..sorry, had to put another one. I listen to this whenever I’m going to make an life-changing impulsive decision. I love the west coast but everything i dream and hope for is in the east coast…so i had to move out here. But, many times, when i move somewhere, i am also, usually, at the tail end of a pseudo-relationship.

D) “Ocean Breathes Salty” by Modest Mouse. When I listen to this song, it reminds me of religion and how the singer believes…well, if you’re wasting your life being afraid of going to hell…whose to say you’re not going to waste your afterlife for fear of something else? “you wasted your life, why wouldn’t you waste your death?” it reminds me to live my life to the fullest and fuck being afraid of the afterlife…at least i had a life worth living…

E) “Save the Best for Last” by Vanessa Williams. I admit it. I am one of the [worst?] hopeless romantics EVER. I do want a loving boyfriend who likes to kiss me. I do want to get married in front of my friends and family. and I do want this to be the song I dance to.

You see, I can’t date anyone who isn’t a friend first [seriously. i’m have too many trust issues, and a way to win that is to be my friend first] and this song is about friends falling in love. It’s difficult for me, though, because you have to get me, when you’re still in the “friend/hopeful” category…but once your deep in the friend zone…you’re actually brother category. but regardless, i always wanted to fall in love the way the lovers fall in love in this song. sigh

i bought season 3 of 24. i will be in hiding for the next 18 hours [i watched the first 6 hours last night]

man, am i going to be pale!

what’s wrong baby?
don’t they treat you like they should?
did you take them for it
or every penny that you could?

…in other news, i bought a ‘body sculpting system’. hmmm. i need to get in shape for vegas. any shape except for the round shape.

..in other other news, i broke my sweet smelling leaf hanging from my rearview window in my car because my friend farted. it was so bad, i could barely focus on the road…i don’t know if the fart affected my olfactory glands which in turn did a domino effect to my eyes and brain [i.e. nervous system] which made it impossible to drive. or maybe it was a green fog. regardless, it was good laughs and now, i have stapled the car freshener leaf to my top lip.

good times.

so guess what, bitches.

i have a new schedule. my new schedule is from 2pm to 1am, monday through thursday.

why this is the hot shit:

10. i’m no longer dating anyone, so instead of staying home and thinking about it, i will actually be doing productive shit and get paid for it.

9. i get to sleep in late!

8. no traffic when going to and from work.

7. i can do my errands and clean house with leisure because i’m my most energetic around 11am and 1pm.

6. I get a 10% raise.

5. did i mention that i don’t work fridays?

4. can i say 3-day weekend?

3. i don’t watch television anyway.

2. i kind of feel like i live alone in a 3 story house which is kind of cool…

1. i get less angry about people not pulling their weight at work.

one of the factors that led me to this decision is that my friends live just a couple of blocks away from me and they also have late shifts. they used to tease me because i would have to wake up ‘early’ and they didn’t have to. now i’m the latest one to come in during the week. hells yeah! and my friends down the street like to stay up late, so it all works out.

so, furthermore, i will be online from 2pm to 1am EST, come chat with me…most likely i’ll be counting the scan lines on my computer.

oh yeah, for you california peeps, i will be in vegas from april 14th to the 22nd…be there or be a four sided thinger.

in other news…

i almost got killed. it’s blizzard season. this makes me miss san diego weather.

also, all of my friends are depressed and, for some odd reason, i am not. i wish i could do something to make them all [all 4 of them] feel better. what can i do, i wonder.

i think it’s the weather personally.

and i want some chicken right now.