i am sad.
well, i am slightly happy because the red sox fought a hard night tonight and eventually won the game after the bottom of the 14th inning.
regardless, i have a bunch of crap riding on my shoulders…
1. i might have to quit jiu jitsu which upsets me because i really like jiu jitsu…but i don’t think i can afford it.
2. i have applied to two different places for a second job. goodbye social life [even though i really didn’t have one] and goodbye weekends
3. i feel like i suck at my job. i’m a failure actually.
4. actually i feel like i’m a failure at everything…
5. i have gas right now.
6. this gas hurts my stomach.
7. boys. i am a failure with boys. boys get tired of me. i feel like all boys who may be interested in me either get bored or find out how much of a trainwreck i really am.
the thing is, the more intimate i am with a guy, the more i clam up and distrust. i wait for things to fall apart by the wayside…and of course, as a self fulfilling prophecy, that is exactly what happens.
i feel like boys settle for me. i don’t want to be settled for. i want to be swept away.
i want to be called attractive.
i want to be appreciated.
i want a boy to fight for me.
alas, no boy will fight for me because i’m so laid back. boys do try to appreciate me but i see these ugly couples who die and live for each other. i wonder if i ever will feel that.
i wonder if i will find a guy who will wake up and say “i cannot believe i’m waking up next to you. i cannot believe how lucky i am.”
i don’t think i’m just meant to be happy.
sometimes i wish i didn’t exist.
sometimes, i wish i can just let go.
sometimes i wish someone felt the same way for me the way i felt for them.
i need to stop wishing.
and realize reality.
oh, and i want to move out of the country and start over.
man, i’m in a bad mood.
Minimal Effort 