So the inevitable “I hate singles” day is coming up– Valentine’s Day.
I suppose I could give you the cynical, bitter entry of how much a Hallmark consumerist holiday I think valentine’s day is.
But no! I will not do that. It’s cliche and it’s overdone.
Instead, to cheer up the single-people, I will give you Sharon’s Top Ten Things to Do if You are Single on Valentine’s Day:
10. Get a bunch of girlfriends [or guyfriends] at somebody’s spiffy apartment. Girls, buy some ice cream, some Cosmo and KFC. Then pig out, put your hair in pigtails and run outside screaming [with chicken in fist] “Look, how much fun I’m having without a guy telling me I’m that I’m a fatass!” It’s fun, I tell you fun [I did this in New York, 1999] Boys: Go play a video game.
Writer’s sidenote: All of these things have been tried and tested by yours truly, so success is guaranteed
9. Put on your nicest dress [or a prom dress] and go bowling with a girlfriend. That shit is awesome.
8. Send your sexiest underwear to an ex-boyfriend with some crazy sexy perfume on it. And say “HA!” to his new live-in girlfriend
7. Have a television show marathon of either Friends, 24 or Sex in the City. I mean, television show dvds are made for losers for that kind of time [time single people would probably be using if they had a significant other].
6. Go watch a movie in the theater by yourself. I suggest something awful like “You’ve Got Served” or something. Last year, I watched Daredevil and I felt better about my life. [watching action movies help too– like Predator or Terminator 3]
5. Go drive to the beach [or in my case, Cape Cod] and play Ben Folds last song, “Evaporated”, on repeat and then drive yourself over a cliff.
4. DON’T WATCH THE LITTLE MERMAID. Tears will ensue and you will get angry at the Octopus woman and why she refused Eric and Ariel to have true love. [Damn her].
3. Write a story about you and a dream guy–then make a montage-collage of all the fake and wonderful things you did together. [Make sure you include the picture where the laughing girl in overalls is being carried by her handsome boyfriend, piggy back style.]
2. Duh, masturbate.
1. Go out with a single guy friend to a nice fancy restaurant where you both look spiffy. Then, after several glasses of wine and lots of laughter, stand up and slap him and say “Well, I’m SICK of being your cancellation prize!” and try to storm out. When he tries to say in fact, you are not a cancellation prize, look deeply into his eyes and think “loins, loins, loins” as a psychic way to get into his head. Hopefully, he’ll kiss you passionately, pick you up and take you home for some angry cancellation-prize sex.
You can worry about the next morning on February 12.
Minimal Effort 