Month: December 2003

Instead of being a practical woman, i.e. do my laundry, clean my car, pack my bags, idolize my LOTR shrine… I did the most impractical thing on Earth–

I went to Disneyland.

Hells yeah.

Hells no?

Cast of characters:

Jen– Girl I’ve known since the fifth grade. Because of this history, I can make fun of her bad taste in clothes back then and she can make fun of my inability to talk to guy for years upon years. She was always the popular chick (she says the contrary is true). Jen is notorious for being late and procrastinating . She has perfected procrastinating to an artform.

Jaymee– Jen’s primarily partner in crime. Actually, that would be John, but Jaymee is right up there. A bit insecure sometimes, but once you get her in her comfort zone (i.e. Tom Sawyer’s island), her inner child takes off. I love Jaymee, she thinks I’m funny and will laugh any sort of non sequiter I’ll spit out.

Ben — Mr. Straight-Edge himself. Ben is good times. However, he and his brother (listed next) did not have much sleep the night before, so his energy level was not as high as usual. But Ben is unbeleivably laid back, that you just want sink into the cement whenever he talks to you and listen. He has the most interesting “I was with this band and we…” stories, great glasses and awesome tattoos.

Danny — Ben’s younger brother (versus little, since I believe is taller). Danny and Ben are just laid back brothers to begin with. Danny and Ben just went to a show the night before and Danny got punched in the nose. Hence, throughout the trip, he could only breathe through one nostril, but was just as excited as I was about being in Disneyland. Great conversationlist while waiting for people who are in the bathroom (and who leave you to go to another park!! bwahahahahaha)

John– Jen’s boyfriend. John has this cutting sense of humor that kills me. He was primarily with Jen and Anagabriel (yeah, we separated majority of the day) but when we went to California Adventures with him and it was great to hear his dialogue on vomit chunks in people’s hair.

Anagabriel– the youngest one in the group (hitting the old age of…5?) Never been to Disneyland. Traumatized by the Star Tours. Never again says Ana.

Ruel– Military guy (whom I incessantly make fun of…but has gotten sensitive about it as of late, so I’ve stopped) who was pretty fiesty in the beginning and somehow went through some sort of mexican soap opera (unbeknownst to me) and began to mope majority of the day. what happened? He wouldn’t say (believe me, I asked)

I was counting the cast and I was thinking, someone is missing

Duh, it’s fucking me.

Anyway, they should change the name of Disneyland to Disneyline (says Ben). Disneyline has the most successful hurry up and wait motif.

And people, you need to stop having babies!! You’re overpopulating the earth and Disneyline is a very good depiction of the overpopulated microcosm we call Earth.

There was the 3’1 woman, wearing red, and she kept pushing me, like she was trying to cut THROUGH me to go on the fucking Peter Pan ride.

Woman, you’re 3’1 (and like 40), don’t mess with the 25 year old. you’ll get clobbered.

Disneyline also reminds me, thank god I don’t have kids.

And what the fuck is it with people who bring fucking NEWBORNS to Disneyline? They don’t know where they are. You could take them to the supermarket to look at bananas, and they’d drool the same amount.Other than that, Esmeralda, the wannabe BIG fortuneteller said I will lead a life of fame and fortune.

So of course I’m saving the faux pas fortune for laughs.

I will get much in depth about Disneyline when I get pictures developed. However, you can read another person’s depiction (the star of the show…the jaymee show, the jaymee show…okay, this makes more sense if you could hear the tune)I once told Jaymee that she had a sitcom and I was a frequent guest star. At this trip, Danny and I were the gueststars (since we appear intermittently), sort of like Tori Spelling on Saved by the Bell.

Anyway, I won’t go further with Disneyline because you have to see me eating the big ass turkey leg and cyber print doesn’t do it justice.

In OTHER NEWS:

Tomorrow is my last day. I had to move the road trip UP a day. So instead of leaving on Thursday, I’m leaving Wednesday morning. This is why:

Kerbang calls me on Friday or Saturday (or something) amusingly drunk. Says we can party with the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy …”if we can make it to New York City by Friday. C’mon we can do it!”

So, say goodbye to friends or meet Ted, pseudo future boyfriend?

Sorry friends, we have email. I have the Fab Five to hang with.

Okay, I’m going to pack now. I’m going to pack until my ears are full of those curly white styrofoam things.

Can you believe, I used to eat that? I thought there were ricecake peanuts.

My last day of work at the lawfirm. I’m actually getting a lot of work done, which is crazy.

I keep forgetting (when I am at work) that I am leaving and work like a crazy mofo. Last night, I sort of went crazy on cleaning the bathrooms. I literally sanitized and scrubbed the shit out of those mofos.

Did I mention, mofo is the word of the day?

Anyway, I always remember I have shit to do when I get home. My room is a wreck, my car is a wreck and my hair is a wreck.

That might attract the boys though, having my hair fully dishelved (or in a disarray). I wonder how those models do it so stylishly. I look like I rolled out of bed and ate it.

The floor, that is.

So, here is my reference list of things I have to do:

clean room (for fellow roadtripper, Kerbang, since that is where he will be sleeping when he gets here. He’s going to think I was raised in a garbage truck. I get to sleep on the bunk beds! WHOO-HOO)
clean car (oh dear lord, it’s a wreck.
pack crap
get new tires
get shovel, ice windshield thingys, kitty litter (yeah, kitty litter? The lawyers here told me I would need that JUST IN CASE I GET STUCK IN SNOW?! WHAT THE FUCK?!)
get some cool scarves
burn some cds
go to some going-away party things
pay bills
get stuff from people that people have borrowed (primarily dvds) I am NOT leaving California without my Magnolia dvd (which Ryan has), my stand up comedy dvds (which Bobby, Gina and Kaytee have) nor my Office Space dvd (which Kaytee has). Hot damn.

Hmm…it doesn’t seem TOO bad, granted I have Monday. Oh god, I just have Monday?! Saturday I’m going to Disneyland with some friends (hmmm…maybe i should rethink this) and Sunday I am having various meals with various friends.

Speaking of which, Kerbang is going to think my family is nuts. My sister sleeps on the couch (she currently has no room), my father leaves his gun (he’s an federal agent guy) on the kitchen counter, my mom wears socks with shoes and my brother walks around in Jack Tripper shorts. My uncle picks his nose and he and my brother sleep on bunk beds. Oh god, Kerbang is sleeping on the street methinks.

Then Monday, pack pack pack pack. Hopefully get my car in gear.

Tuesday, final dentist appointment (hooray for ugly teeth!! I bought a new toothbrush, some “satin” floss and some mouthwash. He better appreciate this shiznit), get Kerbang from the airport, pick up some roadtrip food and amenities, pick up starbucks tips, go to party.

Wednesday, more of the same, prep for trip and watch LOTR (HELLS YEAH BABY), go to final going away party (sniff).

Thursday, Drive our asses off (or our asses on, as it seems, driving tends to enlarge your ass.) I’m thinking (I guess pursuant to Kerbang’s approval I guess) of seeing the Grand Canyon rather than braving the northern route of winter.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, drive our asses off. I imagine we will get into Boston either Sunday night or Monday morning. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if we got in on Saturday night or Sunday morning since I can drive for fairly large amounts of time in my car.

My poor car. It has 50 grand on it.

Grand ol’ opry.

Oh, you know what? The good news is I get FOUR paychecks. Four fucking paychecks. I’m depositing two to pay for my car, my bed and the rest of my security deposit. I’m leaving two of them with my sister so she can deposit them when I’m in Boston (or if an emergency arises whilst on road trip)

Exciting yet terrifying. Just like my hair.

The honesty is too much.

Man, that song is crazy good. You know what I always wanted? I always wanted a South Park episode where Cartman would wail on that song. He would have one fist in the air and his lip would quiver.

But that’s just my dream.

I just came back from my second job tonight…only two more days of work to go! WEOW!

I had a going away lunch which was held at the lawfirm I worked at and they gave me all these horror stories about driving in snow.

I think, in my upcoming road trip, I’m just going to have to screw seeing Mt. Rushmore.

This makes me sad.

I then went to my Starbucks job. I was cleaning a counter in front of the registers and Brad, the manager guy, jokingly says, “How may I help you?”
and I say “I would like a Venti man please”

and Vanessa, the other worker, doing the drinks, nearly died laughing when I said that. Then I said “Now, just wait one minizzle.” And she laughed even harder. Then I did an impression of Mariah Carey and she did one of Jessica Simpson

We were just in a weird mood tonight.

After my impeccable impressions, Vanessa finally took a breath of air and said “Oh god Sharon, you can’t go. I’m soooo going to miss you. Who’s going to crack us up at work now?” I’m known as the ‘funny’ closer, I guess. Probably because of my snoop dog impressions.

At the lawfirm, my boss keeps going up to me and says “How can you leave me? Don’t leave me.” As with many other people this past week.

These people are killing me. I’m half tempted to stay.

I wish all my friends lived in one town/city/suburb whatever.

I haven’t packed one solitary thing despite the plethora of boxes habitating in my room.

It’s ridiculous how much work I need to do, friends I have to see, things I have to prepare.

And I haven’t done one single thing.

AHHHH!!!!

This is the most boring entry on earth. I’m losing my mind.

So with the uncertainty of my health insurance, with me moving to boston and all, I made appointments up the wazoo with my doctor and my dentist.

I find it funny how I care (and majority of our society) more about our cars than ourselves. I mean, everyone I know has car insurance, but paying for health insurance? Forget about it.

So I saw my doctor last Friday. And this is what she said:

“We need to talk about your weight, you are obese.”

Then she pointed to a chart that showed normal weight, overweight and obese.

I am fucking obese (and pointed my weight versus my height which calculates to obese city).

I asked her how much weight I need to lose…

at LEAST 30 pounds. I need to lose between 30 to 50 pounds to be of normal weight.

So, of course that depressed me (oh, and I have unusually low cholesterol, hooray!).

I went to a company dinner and drank lots and lots of wine to drown out my sorrows.

Subsequently, in a drunken fury, I yelled (or raised my voice actually) telling the law firm I worked for that I was obese and I needed to chop my head off to lose those darn 30 pounds.

They looked at me like I was stoned.

Then I explained what my doctor told me.

And they said she was stoned.

However, I need to make an appointment with Weight Watchers and start the program in January. God, this is going to be expensive. Luckily (or unluckily) there’s a center in Malden.

So, in agony, here is my obese ass, drinking my sorrows away:




Please donate to the Sharon is obese and needs to lose weight or she will die fund.

Dude, I hate societal standards of beauty and weight.

FUCK YOU!

FIN.

P.S. Otherwise, I am happy. Only 3 more days of work to go! WOO-OOO!

This entry will be a double whammy.

First whammy: New Year’s (eve) plans…what should I do?

My two choices are:

1. Stay in Massachusetts to party with my roommates or

2. Go to New York and party with my east coast best friend, Angela.

Now, this may simple, no?

My list thus far:

New York

Pros:

get to hang out with people I love.

get to hang out in a city I love.

guaranteed a good time.

Cons:

I have 40 bucks and it will cost my 20 bucks to get there.

That’s it. My next paycheck will be coming in a long long time. bah.

Massachusetts

Pros:

I save money

lots of alcohol, that my roommates have paid for

I don’t have to travel through New Year’s traffic.

Cons:

It is NOT guaranteed that I will have a good time

I will not know anyone, really.

The roommate that I’m closest with, Risa, will not be in the household. She will be working, which SUCKS ASS.

All my roommates have significant others, hence they will all have someone to make out with when the clock strikes 12 and lots of sex (this counts as 3 cons.

*Likelihood of me sitting in a corner being a party pooper: 50%.

That’s a rather high percentage actually. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a wallflower, least to say. What makes New Year’s so difficult is that I’m not in my comfort zone.

That, and I fell “in love” (bah) on New Year’s and every year, when New Year’s is here, I relive it, which is fucking terrible. Do I want my roommates to be witness to this terrible psychosis? New York will be different because I’ll be in the city and I have fond memories of spending New Year’s in the city.

But who knows, maybe I will have a good time.

But all that pressure..goddamnit. I feel like I’m submersing in deep waters.

Double Whammy Two

Ah yes, here it is:

The much anticipated Disneyland pictures.

The cast:

left to right:

Danny, Ruel, Jaymee, John, Jenn, me and Ben (Anagabriel in the forefront)

“Hi, we’re Nsync”:

“Hip hop till we die, boyee”

This looks like I’m putting a rock on sign, but it’s actually ben. Sharon pimping it with the super mario brothers:

Okay, Jaymee and I look like we are on acid…or that I just stuck my finger up her ass: (I had been trying to woo her throughout the whole trip)

“Hello? Fashion police? There’s a model behind me who would make a good candidate for your GQ ads. How about Nautica? Tommy Hilfiger? Walmart?” (doesn’t ruel look hot behind me?)

Damn we (jaymee, me and danny) are HOT!! Note: Look at the woman behind us. She is totally jealous of our hotness:

Finally, I bought this turkey leg and I ate that sucker….worst sucker I ever ate. This me taking a bite out of crime:

Okay, people, I have ONE DAY to decide…Massachusetts or New York?

Votes so far: 2 for Boston, 2 for New York.

[those who voted: Gump and Risa for Boston; Sandy and Stacy for New York]

VOTE NOW!!

Up to bat: Risa

Backstory:

When I was going through the motions of being a candidate for the ‘bowling alley’ room, Gumphood said I needed approval from all roommates. I knew Ready and I knew Kerbang, so I thought it would be easy to get their approval. Gumphood, however, said I needed Risa’s approval. How am I supposed to get her approval if she didn’t know me?

It turns out, she approves (I suppose from Gumphood chatting me up somehow). In, uh, online celebration, Gumphood gives me a link to Risa’s page so I may look at pictures of the apartment. I find that Risa has a livejournal (I also had a livejournal, which is old crap from 2001 to 2002…when I was still having sex pretty frequently. SIGH). I look up her profile and find that she has an aol screenname.

I decide to IM her so in a pseudo-effort to get to each other. Via online, she is very friendly and very upbeat. I decide that I like her.

We talk online extensively and in turn, I make frequent appearances in her journal (which I LOVE) and she talks about how excited she is that another girl is moving in the apartment. Thus far, all I know, before this trip, is she really like the group the Deftones, Journey and taking self-photography (which she is really good at, I might add).

Oh, and Risa is HOT.

This makes me sort of uneasy to be living with a hot girl roommate. Not that I would want to bed her in a lesbian type way, but rather, that when we have parties, all the boys will fawn over her thus making me insecure. BAH. So I imagined that I would have to win over the east coast peeps with my seemingly charming personality (HA!) And Risa, with her looks and upbeat personality. This was not looking good for me (literally and metaphorically) and I don’t like competing. However, I shouldn’t blame her because she is hot.

When I arrive to Long Island, I call Risa. She is the only who, she tells me, is going to be home when I arrive in Malden. She talks very fast, very loud and has a lovely voice. She has the voice that I want. I can’t really describe it, other than, I wish I had her voice instead of my manly voice (I’ve been told, though, several times, my voice sounds like Janeane Garafalo’s or Daria’s. I don’t think that’s true though). She says she will be there to greet me. I am nervous yet excited.

I really do hope we get along. Especially since she’s the one whom I’ve never met before.

Day Thursday:

Commentary: As I’m leaving the orange line, my phone goes off. I have a message. It is Risa. She says that she has to leave for work and that she will not be around to greet me. She says that she will leave the backdoor open so I can get in. I am slightly sad because I wanted to chat with her before she leaves for work.

When I leave the train station, I look for the directions that Gump gives me. Uh-oh.

I can’t find them.

Christine (my traveling partner) and I look around. We see a gas station, a Dunkin’ Donuts, a school football field and a Hair Salon.

Christine: Didn’t he say something about a hair salon?

Yeah, he did, but I couldn’t remember WHAT. AHHH.

I call Risa. Risa gives me directions and I try to memorize what she’s saying (because I have nowhere to write it…do I write it on my suitcase?) She says to go past the Hair Salon and turn on a one way intersection. She says to call if we need more help, but we have to do it quick because she has to get into work.

We follow her directions but I am unsure if I am remembering them correctly. I don’t feel like we are going the right way and we turn back. We go in front of the Hair Salon where hairstylists are smoking. We ask where a particular street is and they point us in the right direction.

It turns out, we take a very elaborate route to the house, which KILL my feet because I’m wearing high boots things and I am lugging a duffel bag, my computer bag and a rolling suitcase. It is all my winter clothes, so I’m carrying, it feels like, 50 pounds of crap. Christine offers to help carry stuff, but I am afraid she will die from the weight.

Christine is TINY. Like 90 pounds and 5 feet tall. She would die.

At one point, I stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Christine turns around and says “What’s wrong?”

I say “I’m not going to make it. Go on and save yourself. Tell them it would’ve been nice to be roommates but I’m going to wither away on this damned sidewalk”

But…she points, “The house is right there”. So, only one more block to go. I am nervous. I wish Risa was there to greet us. We enter the house and into a creepy hallway which is decorated with rugs in hopes to make it less creepy. I am not sure if this presents the desired effect.

Later, I end up going out with Gumphood and later, Kerbang to go out drinking. Kerbang and I arrive at the apartment around 2 or 3 in the morning. I pass by Risa’s bedroom but see no lights. I assume that she is sleeping. I am sad, I want to meet Risa. I figure, I still have tomorrow.

Miscellaneous: When Gump shows me everyone’s rooms (to take a peek), I note that Risa has a Kermit the Frog hanging over her bed. This gives her 2 points in my book because I have the same exact Kermit hanging over my bedpost. I’m sure that we will get along. I am scared though, that her outstanding beauty will make me tremble with fear and awe. I am also scared that she will be beautiful like a plastic bag flying in the wind and I will begin to cry. Hopefully, Thora Birch will be next to me, to hold my hand.

Day Friday:


Commentary: After watching Sesame Street in the morning, I sit in the common room. I am super super bored. Gump, Kerbang and Ready are at work. I look at the clock. It is about 2:00 p.m. Risa should be awake, right?

However, I do not want to intrude if she is sleeping. So I call her from downstairs.

Risa answers and she says she will come down after she takes a shower. She comes down in slow motion and yes, she is hot. However, she does not flaunt her hotness and even, seems unaware of her hotness. I like her more because of this.

We decide to go out to eat at some Thai restaurant place. We are eating and we chat about “getting to know you” type of stuff. While I finish my water, Risa doesn’t touch her water. She drinks the tea. The waiter, for who knows what, TAKES Risa’s full glass of water. She gives me a shocked look.

“What? What happened?”

The waiter, looks back cautiously and full of embarrassment, apologizes and gives Risa back her water. He is not sure why he did what he did. Risa and the waiter start to talk.

It becomes increasingly clear that this waiter has a crush on Risa! So, my theory is, that he took her water because he wanted to serve her somehow and did the water thing as an excuse. Risa seems unaffected by the crush and in fact, chats with him like she’s a humble movie star and the waiter is a drooling fan. It is very cute.

Me, on the other hand, start to blend in with the woodwork. Risa graciously invites the waiter to visit her at her work tonight. I wonder if he did…hmmm…

We then decide to look at beds. Risa has the lame ass blow up bed (which she hates) from Ralph Lauren or J.Crew or some fancy smancy brand name. She wants a bed. We go to the Mattress Superstore.

We must of looked strange because we kept lying on beds and hopping on other beds. “This feels firm…but this is firmer, but this is softer.” I feign that I know what she is talking about but all the beds feel the same to me. We are about to leave (and I think, the salesperson) sees an opportunity..he could totally get both of us to buy beds if he strikes up a deal.

And he does.

Risa and I buy beds. It is very exciting. Furthermore, we buy the same EXACT bed. I thought it would be funny if we decorated our beds the same exact way. Kerbang calls while we are purchasing the bed. We all decide to go to Target to get some stuff for the apartment.

Gump would be proud, getting the other roomies to get stuff for the apartment and motivating Risa to get a bed. I may have even motivated Kerbang to get a rug…but who knows. I think people tend to buy more stuff when a person is in from out of town

We get back to the apartment for a “meeting” among the roomies. Gump says we are going to meet later and unfortunately, Risa has work that night. While Gump is doing something (who knows what), Kerbang and Ready are playing SoulCaliber II. But wait, aren’t we supposed to heading over to Target?

I end up playing SCII with Kerbang. I end up really liking the game and getting addicted. Risa comes breezing in and wants to play. Risa and I play SCII and are a pretty good match, but because I had a little practice with Kerbang, I kick Risa’s ass.

Risa decides to drive and we get to Target. We buy a heater (which is Gump’s assignment for me…which I found out later, Ready doesn’t like. The bastard), a rug that will tie the room together, a black sweater for Risa’s work and SoulCaliber II for a Game Cube that Risa has. And here’s the thing, there is no way I would’ve bought that game if I didn’t play it with Risa. I figured it would give us a sense of unity, so I bought it.

I’m all about a sense of unity within a household.

Anyway, so with this big ass rug and a cabinet or some sort that Kerbang buys, we go to the checkout counter.

It occurs to me, how is this going to fit in Risa’s car? I wonder if I should say something to Kerbang but refrain because I wanted him to get his shit. I wonder if Risa notices this discrepancy in space. She doesn’t.

So it was just me. Oh well, they will know soon enough.

We get to the car and as we open it, it occurs to Kerbang and Risa, that oops, we have no room. I say there is but I would have to be in a compromised position. This meaning, the cabinet across the car and me sort of straddling the rug. Needless to say, it was the most comfortable ride home. (I’m being facetious people)

Miscellaneous:

At Target:

Cashier: May I see ID?
I show my ID.
Cashier: Oh, you’re from California.
Me: Yup.
Kerbang: She’s moving here in about a month.
Cashier: Oh, I hope you like it here. But watch out for the black people.
Risa: (whispers to me) What, she thinks there are no black people in California?

Day: Saturday

Commentary: When I wake up, playing Free Cell (of course!), Risa comes downstairs to keep me company. Then the other roomies start trickling in, Gump with his fabulous hair and Kerbang with his boring hair (it looks exactly the same). We all chat about what we are going to do with the common room and Gump mentions that he is selling the couches. Risa and I give interest in having said couches but decide against it.

Gump goes out with his girlfriend, Risa goes upstairs to get ready for something and Kerbang goes home to help his mom with something.

After awhile, I am alone again and call Risa to see if she wants to go out to eat. We decide to eat at Bar 99 (or something with a 99 in it) and go do Risa’s laundry.

Risa and I sit down and we are served with POPCORN (?!) As an appetizer. Risa and I chat about ourselves again–and I even got her to admit who she thinks the hottest roommate is (and it’s not Ready) and I said I would use that information for blackmail in the future.

Risa tells me her backstory about her boyfriend and I tell my backstory on my lack of boyfriends. It turns out we have a lot more in common than I thought. While she talks, I see her tongue ring (which I used to have) and later, that night, she shows me her tattoos (I have one as well). Risa reminds me a LOT of myself when I was her age (I’m about 3 years older than she is). I find myself telling Risa a lot of things that I don’t usually tell people on a second date (which is what we are sort of on. tee hee).

Afterwards, we go to the laundromat across the street where Risa has to do her laundry because one of the roommates put his shoes in the dryer and broke it momentarily. While we are there, this short Italian guy who looks preggers and in a blue jumpsuit, starts to talk to Risa. Again, I sort of blend in with the washing machine as he tells her about her niece or something. This guy HAS to be at least 40 and it seems that he is picking her up.

I tell Risa “Damn, what is IT about you?” and she shrugs the guy off. I tell her that he has a crush on her (and he’s preggers, hahahahaha) and she sort of rolls her eyes like I”m crazy. However, I have a high sensitivity meter when it comes to people having crushes on other people (however, this power does not work on myself as I am always clueless about people having crushes on me, but that’s for a later entry). Risa can’t find a big enough bag to fit her laundry in, and there’s Preggers, giving her a big Gap bag.

As we are leaving, Risa thanks Preggers again and he said “No, thank you. I hope to see you again” Risa laughs and says “Not likely. We’ll have our dryer fixed by the next time.” and he says “Not if I take you out…” We are at the door by the time he finishes what ever he was saying. Risa is grossed out by Preggers and right slow. I mean, he’s Preggers.

We head off to Target and I find that Risa has Michael Jackson’s OFF THE WALL. I urge her to put it in. We put it in and put the music on FULL BLAST and sing our lungs out whilst doing the robot and the snake. People in other cars start to stare at us at stoplights. One guy points and laughs— Risa and I just smile and start doing more dancing. We having a grand time. And inadvertently, I somehow do a Michael Jackson impression that puts Risa in stitches. She has me do it again and again, but I make her start over the cd in order for me to do it.

We get to Target (it seems, our place of enjoyment) and hastily get some sheets and crap for Risa’s bed (which I helped her move in earlier in the day). However, Risa has to go to work.

Risa goes to work and I call Kerbang to see if where the movie theaters are. He says to wait for him. We all go out to see the movie.

I return home and because Risa says it is okay for me to use her computer, I go upstairs to browse the internet and check email. I turn on her computer screen.

Risa has left a NOTE for me!! I go do my internet stuff and leave a note, in return, for Risa.

Miscellaneous:

After grody guy picks up Risa:
Risa: Ugh. I hate doing laundry and having to deal with schencky men.
Me: Uh, what happened again?
Risa: Kerbang stuck his shoes in the dryer. (Raises fist to the air) Damn you Kerbang! DAMN YOU! I’m gonna kick his ass.

Day Sunday:

Commentary:

Kerbang is at work and Gump has stayed in Chelmsford overnight. I am bored.

Again.

I look at the clock, it is about 1 or 2p.m. I call Risa (as to not to wake her). She says she is in her new warm bed watching t.v., She tells me to go upstairs.

We end up watching Britney Spears doing something and Nelly’s search for Miss Apple Bottom (WHAT?!) when Kerbang calls me from downstairs and we proceed to play video games. Risa goes to sleep.

Kerbang leaves with his friend Joe to a football game and Gump arrives home.

At some point in time, Gump and I go upstairs to chat with Risa. I show them the REAL usage of the big blue ball that Risa has and we chat about Kevin. Gump goes downstairs. I ask if Risa wants to eat. We decide to get mushroom pizza. Mmmmm… pizza.

We order the pizza. Sadly, Risa has to go to work and I go with Gump to watch a football game.

Miscellaneous:

Risa: My friend from San Diego said you had something in San Diego. Mennerschnizzel, Winanitzel, Waitasnizzle.
Me: What?
Risa: I don’t remember..we don’t have it here.
Me: You mean Weinerschniztel?
Risa: YEAH! THAT ONE!
Me: You don’t have Weinerschniztel?
Risa: We don’t have Jack in the Box either.
Me: Dear Lord, how am I going to live here?

Day Monday:

Commentary: Josh is coming over to go to a Deftones concert with Risa. Josh is Risa’s boyfriend and she is ECSTATIC. When he arrives, Josh (who, strangely, reminds me of my friend Ben) Risa and I chat a little bit about who knows what. From my chatting with them, though, I find that I like Josh and I can see why Risa adores him so. They make a good match. They go to the concert.

After returning from the concert, Josh and Risa join Gump and I in Gump’s room. Gump is playing Super Smash Brothers, trying to finish the goddamned Donkey Kong level and Risa and Josh tell us about the concert. Risa volunteers to take me to the train station.

Miscellaneous:

Risa: Come on Sharon, DO IT. DO IT. You make me wanna, you make me wanna…
Me: I am NOT going to do it.
Risa: COME ON!
Me: I can’t just do it upon command. I’ll do it when I move here.
Risa: You need to move in here RIGHT NOW.

Addendum: The next day, Josh, Risa and I go to the train station. As I am leaving, she gives me a hug and says “You’re excited to be moving here, right? You’re going to want to move here, right?”

And move I shall, in exactly a week from today.


10 Things I learned:

10. Risa has a great sense of humor. (I.e. She thinks I’m funny). The way your relationship will work is you will say something funny and she will laugh.
9. She has an accent, that I’m not aware where its exactly from, that I absolutely ADORE.
8. I find myself swearing more often when I am around her.
7. Dude, she is addicted to her computer.
6. She likes mushrooms and chicken marsala (just like me!). We will get along food wise.
5. When she bitches about stuff, its never whiny, its more of like an angry comic type of connotation.
4. She takes rad self-photography
3. When you do something funny, she’ll want you to repeat it over and over again AND try to get you to do it in front of other people (i.e. “Sharon, do Michael Jackson for Gump PUH-LEESE. PUH-LEESE)
2. Our level of video game prowess is about the same (This will be good, so I feel like the competition is worthwhile whereas Gump, Kerbang and Ready are seasoned pros)
1. She really adores her boyfriend, her mother, her brother (although they fight A LOT) and her friends. She doesn’t have many friends, but I can see the quality makes up for quantity. (I think I’m the opposite)

WHEW! I’m done. Now to start on the California Cast List…

Backstory:

I met Kerbang in my last semester in college. We were in a comedy writing class together. Although we never really spoke to each other in class, we knew who the other was because we had to read our stuff out loud to everyone. I think what caught my attention about Kerbang was four things: 1. He had the first name as my friend Kumpart, and whenever the prof called our their name, I would always look at Kumpart, but in actuality, she was talking about Kerbang. 2. We had scripts to read out loud and people usually gave assignments to particular people in class to play parts. I always played the boring token girlfriend and Kerbang was always picked to play the token boyfriend. I don’t know if our voices came off as a boring couple and that’s why we were always partnered together in that fashion because we never sat nowhere near each other or gave any inclination that we knew each other. 3. Whenever I wrote something and read it out loud and people critiqued it, Kerbang always defended me and/or always laughed at my stuff. He, Steve, Ken and Kumpart, I noticed, always defended me and/or laughed at my stuff. 4. Our final scripts. Kerbang wrote a script on Malcolm in the Middle. I remember that script so well because Kerbang was essentially the only person who DIDN’T finish his script. He would have people read dialogue and then, say “Okay, and in this part, I will write that Malcolm goes to the zoo and gets lost” He had all these missing parts that he had to write in. I thought it was funny that he wrote it that way. Further, I found it funny that he thought he could get away with it. (What he doesn’t know, is that a day he was absent (I think he was on a film shoot) Molly, our prof, pointed out to the class NOT to do what Kerbang did. She didn’t point out names who wrote their script in that manner but when Kerbang returned to our next class and read his script, everyone in class knew who Molly was talking about).

But I digress.

So, anyway. I am firm believer in making alliances and in film school, I had made lighting guy alliances, television alliances, editing alliances, cinematographer alliances and essentially as many alliances as I can for people who would help me and would need my help in the future.

I did not, however, have many writing alliances and that was the category I needed most help in. I think I had one writing alliance (My friend Jared). I needed to make more.

In thinking about my alliances, of course, I would look around in my comedy writing class. I wanted someone who thought I was funny and who thought I could write. Kerbang stood out because he ALWAYS laughed at my stuff and at all the right/write places. I talked to Kumpart about him [they wrote a Survivor script together] and Kumpart told me he wasn’t psycho.

So, essentially, the last day of class, we all went out drinking at some pub as a collective. I went up to Kerbang and started talking to him. He wasn’t shy but he wasn’t open either. And, so comes the question, “What do you want to be in film?” I asked. And he said “A screenwriter”.

BINGO.

So I chatted him up to get to know him better and so on and so forth. I think he gave me his number or something so we could keep in contact for writing purposes. If I remember correctly, I believe I called him and gave him my number and offered him free passes to a movie [you gotta lure the alliances in. How do you think I have so many alliances? I was a pretty ambitious networker in college.] He called back and gave me his email address, as he said, a more reliable way of communication.

So we shot emails at each other back and forth and we’ve kept in touch ever since. (It was fun writing to Kerbang because I would write emails in different forms, i.e. Choose Your Own Adventure, and he thought it was rad) We hung out a fair amount of times in New York until I moved to California and he moved to Massachusetts.

I was right, he was a GREAT alliance to have because he has a) helped critique whatever shit I had, b) tried to motivate me to write shit c) given good ideas to work with.

Anyway, as with all alliances, he became more of an alliance and a great friend—my go-to guy in the east coast these days.

I’ll tell you this, there is NO WAY I would’ve thought that I would be his roommate in Massachusetts. In writing this backstory, I think it’s sort of crazy how in gaining his alliance would take me so far as to possibly work on a television show. (My other alliances who read this though, you can still whore me if you guys find like a crazy ass job. I’m open to anything at this point)

Day Thursday:

Commentary:

Gumphood took me out on this day to show me around. Whilst on our drive, Kerbang called my phone to ask what I was doing [and I suppose to see if I had arrived in Malden as planned]. He inquired if Gump and I wanted to go drinking at a dive bar in Alston (sp?) or Allston (sp?). As if I had plans—of course I was kosher for that. Gump opines he wants to go out.

Until his girlfriend worked him.

So Kerbang picks me up (and he noted, in my matching jacket and gloves) in a BIG ASS van full of Knock First paraphanelia and signs. I thought that was pretty entertaining to be driving across town in this outfit. On our drive to the bar, I noted to Kerbang that Gumphood was doing impressions of Kerbang, and seeing Kerbang talk and move his hands whilst driving, I started to laugh at how accurate Gumphood portrayed Kerbang. Kerbang, in turn, started doing impressions of Gumphood. Oh, I totally want to get them to talk to each other playing the other person, but I imagine that would take alcohol.

So we get to the bar which is full of people wearing Knock First jackets. Kerbang introduced me to everyone as his roommate (although I hadn’t moved in yet) and I think TWO people looked at me and said I looked familiar. This had also happened with Gumphood, wherein people have said “You look familiar….do I know you?” An in as expected, Kerbang and Gumphood said in their respective situations “I highly doubt it, she’s from California.” I wonder if I’ll keep getting that when I move there. It’s pretty entertaining for people to look at me and say “you look SOOO familiar” I don’t get that in New York nor California but in Massachusetts?

Weird.

So Kerbang was pretty much my bitch and bought me beer upon beer. I would be three gulps from finishing my Sam Adams and Kerbang would go up to me and say “You need another beer” and get me another one before I would finish the preceding beer. I ended up talking to this one guy, I totally forget his name right now, who was telling me he had a huge crush on this girl with blonde hair and glasses and asking me how to get in her pants. I forget what advice I gave him, but I found it entertaining how drunk everyone was. I think I was probably the most sober person there. This guy I was talking to finds out that I am also a film person and has it set in his mind that I should be working on their show and it should be in Electronics. I have no idea why, but hell, I’ll take any job.

Near the end, Kerbang, I think this girl Stephanie, and I ended up playing this triple XXX game that Stephanie was really good at and Kerbang and I were okay at.

Afterwards, Kerbang takes me back to the apartment and as I am getting ready for bed, I tell Kerbang that I am nervous about finding a job in Massachusetts (although, deep down, I’m sure I can get one in the business). Kerbang, probably in his inebriated state, talks to me for nearly an hour how I can get a job and how I am going to get it and how it is going to work. He kept, pretty much, talking in a loop because he kept repeating the same things over and over again, but I chalk it up to the alcohol. I finally had to say “Okay, well, I’m going to bed” in order for him to stop.

Miscellaneous: After introductions

Me: I like how I’ve been upgraded from “friend” to “roommate”

Kerbang: Well, you know—

Me and Kerbang (at the same time): you/I just like to be as accurate as possible.

Kerbang: Do I say that a lot ?

Me: Uh, I guess so [He really doesn’t, Kerbang is just predictable in his intentions]

Day Friday:

Commentary: I woke up several times. The first time, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. but I had no clue what time it was. I walked out of the common room to see Gumphood all dressed up. “What time is it?” I ask Gumphood. He says “It’s 7:30 a.m.” It is obvious he is getting ready for work. “Screw that! I’m going back to bed. I’m on vacation” Gumphood smirks as I trudge back to the couches.

I wake up again and am bored. I watch Sesame Street and fall asleep again.

I am awaken again by Kerbang. I look at him and he announces “I’m going to work now” and I say “Okay, have fun”. I have no idea why he woke me up to announce that he was departing for work, but I don’t care—I go back to sleep.

I essentially spend the day with Risahood (ha ha ha) and while we are coming back to the apartment, Kerbang calls and asks what we are doing. We are heading to Target and I invite him to come along. He agrees and we head off to pick him up. We get to the apartment and I call Kerbang to get his ass downstairs, he says that all the roommates are here and we should come upstairs for a meeting. Lisa and I sigh and make our way upstairs.

As soon a we walk in, Kerbang shows us some purple sheets and says “Are these blue?” and we both shake our head. “Damn. Do you think I could pull this off on my bed?” and I think I said “I don’t think they’re very manly but, sure, I guess”. “I’m returning them.”

We go to Target and OH MY LORD, Kerbang shows Lisa and I his new gloves.

His new metrosexual gloves.

These gloves have some sort of valve where you blow into them and it warms up your hands. It cost Kerbang 50 (yes, Fifty bucks)—that’s 25 bucks a glove. I told Kerbang to give me 40 bucks and I’ll make him gloves with a hole in each of ‘em. But 50 bucks? Come on!

We get to Target to shop for stuff for the apartment and then Kerbang sees it. THE RUG. He buys the rug that will “tie his room together”. We get the rug, a video game and a black sweater.

Lisa has to get ready for work and Kerbang and I are due to meet Gumphood, his woman and Unclepumpkin at the Boston beerworks (or something like that). However, Kerbang REALLY wants to see how his rug will tie his room together. We roll out the carpet and we stare at the carpet.

“This will really tie the room together.” Right Kerbang.

He pretty much stares at his rug for about 10 minutes until I say “Uh, Kerbang, aren’t we supposed to meet Gump and friends?” “Oh yeah. I just really wanted to see this rug tie the room together”

We were supposed to meet the people at 9pm, it is 8:55pm. I couldn’t that we couldn’t leave earlier, but he just had to check out the rug doing its tying action.

We get to the Beerworks place and I finally meet UnclePumpkin, whom was very friendly and very nice. I don’t know what I was expecting. It didn’t take long for him to become his usual sarcastic self that I was so familiar with, with our extensive conversations online.

We played pool, where fucking Kerbang ANNIHILATED me. I swear there were 10 striped balls and 1 solid. It was pathetic.

Again, while driving home, I was witness to Kerbang’s verbose nature after a good number of beers. Now, I don’t know if its me and my usual “adversarial”/ “sassy” [from what a large amount of people have called me) nature or Kerbang’s gregarious inebriated nature, but we argue the whole drive home. I think I was giving him shit for his metrosexual gloves. However, no matter where I live, I always have a friend who will just argue with me all the time. In New York, it was Cooper. In California, it’s Wilbur and Ryan. I imagine, in Massachusetts it will be either Kerbang, Datchery or Unclepumpkin. We shall see.

Miscellaneous: After fastening seat belts:

Kerbang: Okay Sharon, you—

Pause.

Me: What?

Kerbang: Wait, I’m trying to—

Me: What are you doing?

Kerbang: I’m trying to fasten, my safety belt. Okay, you

Click

Kerbang: Click it or ticket.

Me: Or ticket?

Gumphood: You get a ticket for not having your seatbelt fastened.

Kerbang: I never liked that phrase because it’s an imperative (?) and a noun. Bah.

At Target: Kerbang shows me and Lisa a black rug

Kerbang: What do you think?

Lisa shakes her head

Me: It’s too manly for you.

Kerbang: What do you mean it’s too manly? (Lisa is laughing) What, you think I’m not MANLY enough for this rug?

Me: No, no, I didn’t mean it like THAT, I meant,

Kerbang: Is there something about me that doesn’t exude manliness?

Me: No, it’s like, ‘I buy Nautica perfume and Tommy Hilifiger underwear’ manly. I can’t see you buying Nautica perfume, I mean, cologne.

Day: Saturday

Commentary: This is the morning that everyone gets up and meets in the common room (and Gump styling his rad morning hair.) Later in the morning, Kerbang and I end up playing SoulCaliber II (This quickly becomes our activity of interest in the apartment). Kerbang has to go to Chelmsford to help his mom with something. Gump is hanging out with his woman and Risa has to go to work. I don’t know where Kevin is.

So, I just hang around the house and play Tetris.

Later in the day, I call Kerbang to ask him where the movie theater is so I can go out and watch a movie by myself (my choice activity when I’m bored). He tells me to wait and that he will accompany me. Gump gets home and we all agree to see Elf. Gump mentions that I will meet Kerbang’s brother and forewarns me that he might offend me.

Interesting.

We meet up with the boys. Since we are watching a movie and Kerbang is sitting between me and Datchery, I never really get to talk to him—so he doesn’t offend me. Afterwards, after we are dropping Datchery off at his home, I note Kerbang’s and Datchery’s relationship. It is very similar to how me and my sister relate to each other. My sister and I don’t look anything alike, but once you talk with us, it’s obvious in our mannerisms, our word choice and our intonation that we are related. This is the same for Kerbang and Datchery – except they argue and my sister and I usually don’t. My sister and I usually just get into long philosophical diatribes about our lives and how similar they are to each other’s even though we don’t see each other much.

But I digress.

Kerbang drives us back to the apartment, in this, I SWEAR, haunted scary road. To up the ante, he turns off the van lights (What an asshole!) to scare the shit out of me. That night, I have a nightmare about a dead woman in her nightgown who appears in that very same road that Kerbang turns off the lights. BLAH!

Miscellaneous:

Kerbang: In 6 months, you will start saying valid.

Me: No, I will not.

Kerbang; Oh yes you will. I mean, we even have Lisa saying it.

Me: If I start saying valid, which I will not, I will do something very irrational like…like…

Kerbang: I’ll think of something, because you WILL be saying it.

Day Sunday:

Commentary:

In the morning, I play SoulCaliber II with Kerbang. I start kicking his ass somehow and I get sort of irritated. “Are you letting me win?” I demand. Kerbang says that he’s not and it’s the controller that is screwing him up.

And he is right.

He starts to get familiar with the controller and starts kicking my ass. Especially with fucking Link. Link has this option where you can throw bombs (and I kept walking into them), shoot arrows (which I can’t seem to avoid) or throws you over the edge (which happened to me several times).

I announce that I hate Link.

Kerbang’s co-worker, Joe ( I think is his name) comes over to take Kerbang to a football game. They play SoulCaliber II for a while, and Joe has a thick accent. (I’m starting to like the accent and wonder why Gump, Uncle, Kerbang, Datchery nor Ready have one. Risa has one, which I LOVE. Gump is pretty good, though, at turning it on and off. I like it when he starts talking in an accent for no good reason)

Gumphood and I watch the very same game that Kerbang attends. But we don’t see him. Gumphood comments how Kerbang will not get any sleep because he has work early in the morning.

Miscellaneous: I text message Kerbang to see if he is going to take me to the set on Monday. When he texts back, I note that he spells everything correctly and actually use punctuation. I wonder if Kerbang is anal retentive. (He room would state otherwise though)

Day Monday:

Commentary: Kerbang was pretty much at work the whole day. He says he will call me to see if he can pick me up to show me around the set.

He never calls. I stay home all day. I am slightly irritated, not necessarily with not receiving a phone call, but because I should’ve made back up plans in case Kerbang was not able to take me to the set. However, nobody is home and I start thinking that my vacation to the East Coast was too long. My irritation, however, was rectified by having a rather good conversation with Gumphood later in the night. I can see, though, by talking to Gumphood, why Kerbang and Gumphood were friends for so long.

Kerbang gets home and is tired. Not TOO tired to play video games though. We play SoulCaliber II for a while until Kerbang announces that he is going to bed at 9pm, since, he has only slept for 3 hours.

Miscellaneous: Kerbang’s room has shit EVERYWHERE.

Me: So are you going to have your room all put away by the time I move in?

Kerbang: What, things aren’t put away now?

Me: I don’t think so. I mean, what’s this madness over here? (I indicate to his waterbed remants)

Kerbang: That was a waterbed I got from the set. You didn’t think I had it there for fun. I was going to sell it.

Me: Oh, I just thought you had it there or something. I just didn’t want to say anything.

Kerbang: Oh, I see, you’re silently judging me.

Maybe.

I had a hard time finding a drunk picture of Kerbang because I sent most of the pictures of himself TO him this past summer, so this picture of us at my friend’s wedding will have to do. I think this was the last time I had good hair. Damn!!!

10 Things I learned:

10. Kerbang gets really talkative when he’s drunk.

9. If you give Kerbang shit, he won’t take it. This will be good in entertainment value.

8. He REALLY likes video games

7. It seems, from all the roommates, he gets the most phone calls.

6. He will correct you if you say something wrong (like a location or some sort)

5. He’s pretty laidback unless you say something political

4. He had some pretty new metrosexual outfits from the last time I saw him. I am not sure if this is good or bad.

3. I think I would be thoroughly entertained by just observing him and his friends whilst I sit in the corner. I would be interested on each friend’s contribution to the group. (I would be the most interested in Gump’s role than any other though)

2. Kerbang has a hard time with colors under artificial light.

1. I think the reason I made him an alliance will actually come to play as I think he will actually motivate (read: threaten) my lazy ass to actually write something. This will be, probably, the biggest benefit in having another film person as a roommate.

Up on deck: “Risanator”

Backstory

I met Ready essentially one time, which is at the brewery in the above picture. I’m not sure what I was doing taking this picture or what he was doing while having his picture taken but I’m sure it had something to do with the alcohol laying around.

As far as my brewery experience with him, I, frankly, liked him. He was very energetic and he talked to me and Wilbur a lot more than Dinguspie or Gumphood did (ha!). His eyes lit up when I said I had T-mobile cell phone. I thought he was being sarcastic when he said that he worked for the same company, but, nope, he was serious.

I met, I guess, a ‘facet’ of Ready on the street. Kerbang and I were meandering the streets of Boston and we ran into (I think) Melissa–Kevin’s (newly, I might add) ex-girlfriend. Or, how I like how Kerbang introduced her, “Jessica Rabbit”. (I can’t believe he called her Jessica Rabbit to her face). Melissa is thin, beautiful, smart and very sweet. I even think she was taller than Kevin. She was taller than me–and I know Kevin is not that much taller than me. She explained, very openly I might add, how Kevin used to be a pillar of support for her and now he was stressing her out. I think she added that they had been dating for years upon years (which also impressed me about Kevin) but she had to move on. I think she was a ballerina.

Having this information, I thought, Kevin must be an awesome guy. He’s very social, had a hot girlfriend he dated for years upon years, and was said to be a good storyteller amongst his friends.

I thought good storyteller meant you can make the mundane the interesting, not necessarily make things UP. Hmmm…

Day Thursday:

Commentary:


Gumphood is getting ready to take me out to show me about the town. I hear Ready enter the house and run his way up the stairs. I want to make a good impression, since we are going to be roommates and all, so I go up to make some small talk. First thing:

He is half naked.

And he apologizes (not really) for being “naked”. I smile and say something to the effect of “I’ve seen this before buddy”—you know, to build some rapport. Apparently, he is getting ready for a date. He opens his closet and shows me two dress shirts, blue and aqua.

Ready: Since we are going to be roommates and all, which shirt should I wear? And be honest.
Me: The blue
Ready: I thought so too
Me: The aqua washes out your complexion (I hope that didn’t offend him)

He talks very fast and starts ironing. We chat a bit about, who knows what (I don’t remember) when his cell phone rings.

He has two cell phones.

Well, I guess he is a busy person. I don’t see Kevin after that.

Miscellaneous: Kevin comes down when Gumphood and I are chatting. He asks which shoes to wear: The nice ones or the comfortable ones. I really don’t care but I tell him the nice ones. My opinion doesn’t seem to matter since he just wanted to talk, I guess.

DayFriday:


Commentary: I haven’t met the girl roommate yet and I was anxious to meet her. I go into my room to figure out what I am going to wear for the day and I hear a girl’s voice. I figure it must be Lisa, the other girl roommate. I burst out of my room and say (but I recall seeing her pictures, and he has DARK hair) “are you the other roommate?” and she doesn’t answer me. I think she walks past me. Kevin briefly says “Oh, that Candace” Or Cameron. I can’t remember. From then on, I call her Candace Cameron.

Wow, what a bitch.

She could’ve said “Oops, nope, sorry” but she just ignored me. Maybe she thought I was another of Kevin’s wenches.

Later, after Candace Cameron leaves, Kevin comes down and we chat. He says that Candace is his girlfriend and I was like, “Wow, he has a girlfriend already?” Great, I’m essentially am going to be the only single person in the house. Blah. I just hope that Kevin doesn’t have loud sex, since my room is next to his. I decide (in my mind) to have my stereo positioned in a key spot so I wouldn’t hear any moaning.

But I bet you Candace wouldn’t moan. She seems frigid to me (heh heh heh, I’m a bitch)

I later DO meet Lisa (or as Gump calls her, Risa, which I have now picked up on calling her..she will be the last roommate I will write about, saved the best for last eh?) and we go out to eat. Kerbang calls while we are on our way to Target and I invite him to accompany us. I expect to pick him up and when I call him to get his ass into the car, he says that we should go upstairs in the common room for a ‘meeting’

A ‘meeting’

This made me nervous. I (being egocentric) thought it might be about me and how I smell or my eyelashes weren’t long enough.

So Risa and I enter the room. I see a smirk from Kerbang’s face who announces “well, it’s all the roommates in one room. A rare occurrence” It was an interesting vibe. We all just sat there. You could tell there was an alliance with Risa and I already, as we were laughing about, I think, her cell phone story. There is an alliance with Gumphood and Kerbang as they were chatting about the hungry, hungry hippo room.

And there was Kevin. Who didn’t have any (seemingly) alliances.

And I felt bad.

We talk about the apartment and getting materials for it. Kevin says he cannot afford the television. He was supposed to buy it. I, decide, well, fuck, I’ll buy it. I wonder several things about this: a) he must be poor (but, I noticed, he goes out drinking a lot) b) I wonder if he would be more loyal if he had some sort of alliance with anyone, c) I decide that I will try to forge an alliance with him and d) Why wasn’t he invited to join us at the Boston Beerworks thingy? Why wasn’t he invited to go out with us anywhere?

I know part of the reason I didn’t invite him to go to Target is because he really annoys Lisa. Hmmm.

Miscellaneous:
Kevin: “We should all go to Walmart and get a cheap 13 inch screen for like, a hundred bucks”
Later: Kerbang: “Notice how he changed the “I’m going to buy a 20 or so inch television to We should buy a 13 inch television?” Yeah, that’s interesting…

Day:Saturday

I return from a walk I am having and see that there is a different car out in the parking lot. Whose car can it be? I walk into the apartment and I see Kevin with…not Candace Cameron (whom I thought was his girlfriend) but another girl, Michelle. I go up to Gumphood and say “Is that a different girl? Am I supposed to say something?” and Gumphood says “Yes, it’s a different girl, I can’t keep track.”

This, in itself, makes me attracted to Kevin. I will explain in a second.

So, I go in and talk to Kevin and he introduces me to Michelle. I like Michelle. She’s not a bitch and I don’t think she’ll be loud in bed. (Although, rumor in the apartment has it, Kevin doesn’t really get as much play as he says he does). Kevin says he has been in a car accident (I really don’t recall which day this accident happened). I am surprised that he tells me about this and ask if he is okay. Says his car has been totaled and his passenger, Candace Cameron, has broken a rib or something.

So, he mentions Candace Cameron.

In front of Michelle.

So, Michelle must be a platonic friend and Candace the girlfriend, right?

That’s what I assumed.

Then, I see it. Michelle shoots Kevin a ‘look’.

Kevin responds by saying “Sharon, can you describe Candace for Michelle?”
“Uh, okay…she’s blonde”
Michelle shoots Kevin another ‘look’
“uh..taller than me…fair skin.” I wanted to add, acne, but I couldn’t remember.
“That’s all I can really remember. I thought she was the other roommate”

Michelle is silent. I feel used somehow.

Later, Michelle leaves. Gumphood and I are talking in his room. We are deciding what movie to watch (we decide on “Elf”) when Kevin walks into the room.

Kevin: “Does anyone have a .45 revolver?”
Me: “I do.”
Gumphood: “Why?”

Kevin stares at me because I say I have a gun.

Me: “What? My dad is an INS agent, he makes me carry .45 revolver. I think its upstairs”

Kevin looks at me again.

Kevin: “Do you have bullets for this gun?”
Me: “No, I don’t think so.”
Kevin: “Well, I’m going to need it in about 30 minutes”

Phone rings. Kevin talks on phone. Hangs up.

Kevin; “Okay, I’m going to need those bullets in 30 seconds”

Doorbell rings.

Gumphood: “For what again?”

Kevin: “These Serbic (sp?) people want me for fucking up their drug deal. You see, when I was in the car accident and the cops wanted to look through my stuff, I had to swallow the drugs and now they’re looking for their drugs”

He answers the door. I mouth to Gumphood “What?” and Gumphood shakes his head.

Three very normal looking (non-serbic) people come in. Gumphood and I chat them up while Kevin goes and gets ready I guess.

Miscellaneous:

I want to date Kevin, not necessarily to sleep with him or anything. There’s a part of me that wants to teach him a lesson, to give him grief, to play him and be played. I sort of want to give him the best blow job he’s ever had and then walk away when he’s about to orgasm.

Something like that.

But I partially blame the girls too. I mean, ‘COME ON!’

DaySunday:

Gumphood and I just return from his old roommate’s place after just watched the Patriots game. I go into my temporary bedroom, the common room, and am ready to sleep. Kevin comes home, with Michelle, and he wants to talk to me.

Here, Kevin was actually pretty cool. He asks me what I want to do in life, why I’m moving out here, about my life and what I think of everything so far. I thought it was pretty cool that he made an effort to get to know me. Michelle added things every now and then, but it was essentially Kevin and I talking. After about an hour worth of pretty cool chat, he says he is going to call it a night.

At this point, I feel that Kevin is a good person and just needs an alliance. I further think that I am the only person in the apartment who actually likes the kid.

Miscellaneous:
I ask Kevin how he knows Kerbang and Gumphood. He says he’s known Kerbang since the third grade and Gumphood since the seventh grade. He points out that Gumphood ate his ruler. Another tall story? I confirmed it, Gumphood did, in fact, eat Kevin’s ruler. (I know, WHAT?)

DayMonday:

I hated Kevin in the morning. He was on the internet all morning (he essentially went NOWHERE on Monday) and I was sitting in the common room playing Free Cell for THREE HOURS. Then I watched the Matrix Reloaded and then I went for a walk in the rain.

You see, Risa lets me use her computer. She was out and about doing stuff and I wanted to entertain myself but Kevin had the computer. I hated him for a while. I think it was because I had no stuff and I blamed him for taking the only source of entertainment I may have.

Regardless, later, Kevin was actually pretty cool . We played SoulCaliber II for majority of the afternoon. He kept saying that if we were playing on Playstation (we were playing on a Gamecube) he would demolish me. We kept playing 10 rounds of each fight. What would happen is that I would win 9 fights and he would win 9 fights and every time it was the last fight to determine the winner, he would win.

I would writhe in agony on the carpet. I think I was writhing.

Kerbang gets home from work to kick my ass some more while Kevin starts to make cookies. Gumphood is pissed at Kevin for something (I can’t remember, it’s after midnight right now and my memory is starting to fade) but can’t yell at him. I go into Gumphood’s room to read diaryland and WHILE I AM READING AN ENTRY ABOUT KEVIN in Gumphood’s entry (he does a list of demands he wants to make to Kevin), they are chatting in the kitchen, quite amicably.

Kevin gives me and Michelle (who appears) some cookies he bakes. Him and Kerbang play Soulcaliber II. Essentially everyone is home for the exception of Risa, who is at a concert. Kevin washes Gumphood’s George Foreman grille. Trying to win his favour perhaps?

Later that night, I am going insane from being in the house all day. I start pacing around the house, going nuts. Kevin comes up to me and says “What’s wrong?” I start to put on my coat and I say hastily “I have to get out of here” and he says “where? Where are you going?” and I say “I don’t know, just out, I just can’t stand being here all day.” And I rush out as I hear him say “Wait, Where are you going? Be careful!”

Kevin’s concern wins a favor with me.

I come back at midnight and Gump opens the door, surprised to see that I have left. I go upstairs to take off my coat and I hear a knock on my door. It is Kevin.

“Sharon, Where did you go? Are you okay?” I am taking off my sweater
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to walk in on you while you were taking off your clothes”
“Oh, it’s okay, I’m just taking off a sweater. I just went into Boston to walk around. I can’t stand being in a house all day, especially if I’m on vacation”
“OH, okay, that’s understandable. I was just a little worried”

I smiled. “Thanks, I’m okay.”

That was the last time I talked to Kevin.






10 Things I learned:

10. Kevin complains the apartment but won’t buy anything for it.
9. He is really insecure about not having an exciting enough life.
8. I don’t think he should be though, he goes to stand up comedy shows.
7. He wants to do stand up comedy
6. He has not made me laugh once though, although I have smiled in amusement
5. I think he should get with Michelle personally, I think she brings out a nicer side of him
4. I feel like Gumphood and Risa will get really pissed off at Kevin a lot and Kerbang and I, while agreeing with Gumphood and Risa for their reasons being pissed, will have to calm them down and talk to Kevin about Gump’s and Risa’s complaints. (I think Kerbang, because, he tries to throw Kevin a bone and Me, because I have much more assholier roommates, so Ready will be pie to talk to)
3. There is a side of Ready that I think I’ve seen that he doesn’t reveal much. It’s much more calmer and it doesn’t show the excited “I need a gun right now” hype. I like this Kevin and I wonder if I can have that facet emerge more often for a more peaceful and harmonious environment.
2. I feel we’ll have good drinking games with him
1. Kevin is cheap. This makes me sad. The sad thing, I don’t think that will change, but sometimes people surprise you.

Up on deck: “Kerbang”

Before I start this entry, I need to give a big thanks to John for sacrificing his template for my own. As you can see, he added all that crap at the bottom of this diary. John, you are a deity. Thank you.

Okay, that’s enough niceness from me. I will return to my adversarial state tomorrow and will do my usual task of mocking John. So, John, wherever you are (Florida), this bud’s for you for today.

Now for the real entry:

This entry marks the introduction to the roommate series. I will do it in order of the first person I saw to the last person I saw.

Up to bat: Gumphood:

Backstory

I met Gumphood about two years ago. I was on a road trip with one of my best friends, Kay. I called Kerbang (he will be third in this series) and, I suppose, out of fear of not being an appropriate tour guide, he called his reinforcement: Gumphood.
I remember two things about Gumphood: 1. He used big words (in comparison with my friends back in San Diego) and 2. He sure knew a lot about The Big Dig.

The second time I met Gumphood, was at a Brewery. Kerbang and I were going to a wedding together, but the night before, we met up with his friends (Gumphood included). The above picture is a consequence of the Brewery’s ales.

Day Thursday:

Commentary:

I am in Rhode Island. Gumphood and I are communicating via diaryland notes. He is nervous I will not like the place. I am nervous that Gumphood will not like me.

After taking multiple roommate competency tests, questionnaires and urine samples, will Gumphood like me as a future roommate?

I forgot what Gumphood looked like per se and had to look at a picture to remember (yeah, I’m lame). So when he entered the christened “hungy, hungry hippo” room, it felt like I was looking at a picture of Gumphood, rather, than a person. He took me on a very informational tour of the suburb. Subsequently, we went to a house where we picked up beer paraphenelia from a sweaty Irish guy. The Irish guy didn’t have any change for a $40.00. So Gumphood gave him $37.00. I had $0.75. I offered to the Irish guy (thinking, would he REALLY take the $0.75 cents? Yup, he took it).

We then went to a restaurant where a guy opined that he wanted to marry me because I looked so warm. I was scared. I went to the bathroom.

Afterwards, we get back to the apartment. Kerbang calls inviting us to go out drinking with him and his co-workers. Gumphood, at first, agrees to go. He backs out because of an argument with his girlfriend. I feel bad for Gumphood, but we chat about it and the conversation turns to why I cannot to commit to a guy. (I know, what?). However, I think Gumphood and I get along fairly well.

Miscellaneous: At the Irish guy’s house:

Me: “Are we doing a drug deal?”

Him: “Yeah…something like that”.

In the apartment:

Me: shivering

Gumphood: (in a short sleeve shirt): Are you cold?

Me: (putting on a jacket) yes. It’s freezing in here

Gumphood: It is unusually warm today. I almost didn’t wear a jacket. (WHAT?!)

Day Friday:

Commentary: I didn’t really see Gumphood all this much on this day. All I know is that he has made plans for him, his woman and a whole bunch of other people to meet at some beer place in Boston. He is at work most of the day. However, in the afternoon, Risanator lets me use her computer.

Gumphood has written an entry about me.

I first read it wrong. I thought it said that I didn’t make a very good reimpression. Oh my god. I reread and read “oh, HE thinks he didn’t make a very good reimpression”. He comments that it is blatant I am from California.

Oops.

I make Risa read it. I am worried, that because of this entry, Gumphood does not like me. Risa comforts me and says that it seems more like he was worried about me not having a good time rather than him not liking me.

I talk about my concerns with Kerbang when we are going to meet Gumphood, his woman and UnclePumpkin at some beer place. I think it’s called Boston Beerworks? (My memory is terrible). Gumphood seems to be in good spirits and I am a little nervous about how much Californianess is emanating from my aura. I chat with Unclepumpkin about this and he says, thus far, “I think Gumphood likes you.” I hope so. I offer to buy him a beer. He accepts my bribe. Hopefully, one day, when overutilizing the word “dude”, I can say “wait a minute buddy, remember that one time bought you beer?”

Oh, wait, he totally bought me beer on Thursday. Never mind.

Gumphood takes Kerbang and I to the apartment. I think we are annoying Gumphood and his woman as I mock Kerbang leaving the LONGEST message in the world to Lisanator and his new rug (more on that later). I note that Gumphood and his woman are quiet. Uh-oh.

Miscellaneous:

Unclepumpkin: “Did you just say wicked?”

Me: “No!”

Unclepumpkin: “I think I heard you say wicked”

Gumphood’s girlfriend: “No, I said it”

Aha!

Day Saturday:

I wake up. The three others wake up. They all make their way to my temporary sleeping area, the common room.

Gumphood has the BEST morning hair.

I didn’t see much of Gumphood on this day. He was mostly out with his girlfriend. I stayed at the apartment and pretty much played Free Cell on my laptop. I grow bored. I call Kerbang to ask him where the movie theater is so I can watch a movie. He asks me to wait. As I am chatting with him, I hear the door knock.

I think the apartment is haunted. I hear knocks and doorbells and everytime I check to see if someone is there, nobody is there. So I hear a knock. I open the door expecting not to see anyone.

It is Gumphood. He is pale. I scream. I fall on my ass.

I don’t know how I finished the phone call but somehow, it is decided we will all watch the movie in Kerbang’s and Gumphood’s hometown (sidenote: I wish I can use their real names, but alas, I am advised against that.) We go see ELF (which, is fucking hilarious by the way). I chat with Gumphood’s girlfriend while Gumphood goes to wait for Kerbang and Datchery. I ask her how they met and how long they have gone out. She tells me a cute story.

We go our separate ways. Gumphood decides to stay in Chelmsford. I ride with Kerbang to the apartment.

Miscellaneous:

Me: AHHHHHHH!!!!

Gumphood: (shocked) What? I knocked?

Me: (to Kerbang) I totally fell on my ass. Gumphood scared me.

Gumphood: But I knocked

Me: Yeah, but you were just standing there. And you’re pale. (with respect to California guys, so I’m still getting used to it)

Day Sunday:

In the afternoon, Gumphood says that he will take me to his friend’s/old roommate’s place to watch the New England Patriots v. Dallas Cowboys game. I am stoked.

We chat in the car and I ask HIM how he met his girlfriend. A slightly different version. [Sidenote: always ask couples how they met when you are one-on-one. It’s interesting what details they remember] We get to this old, super rad, super fucking COLD house.

In order to keep my California tendencies latent, I sit on the couch, FREEZING. I try to sit on my hands, hoping nobody will notice. By the fourth quarter, I have pillow over me, but I am dreaming about my jacket hanging on the staircase. Everyone else seems okay.

His friends know EVERYTHING about the Patriots as they shoot facts, figures, and jokes about the game. It was HILARIOUS. I swear, they should have their commentary aired during football games.

Miscellaneous: As were driving to the house, Gumphood points out a pretty cool sign. If I vaguely remember it saying “Beat the Curse” or something like that. It was a road sign that said something like “Sharp Curve” or something, and the S had changed to a V.

Day Monday:

This was the worst day EVER. I was in the apartment FOREVER. I played Free Cell on the computer, listened to cds, watched the Matrix Reloaded on my computer and went for a walk but it began to rain.

Gumphood finally got home and I begged him to take me to KFC. He obliged.

After eating my chicken, I am walking up and down the house, anxious and restless. I cannot stand being in a house for a long period of time. I leave.

When I come back, Gumphood opens the door. He is playing Super Mario Smash Brothers on his Gamecube. Afterwards, I use his computer and he is in bed. We talk about our differences and how he likes to wear a unicorn shirt and tell people he cannot look out of one eye. This information alone, makes me respect him more. I tell him that I went crazy today because I had a) no internet b) no books c) no caar d) no friends and e) no food. Gumphood, I guess feeling bad, says he will leave his room door open so I can use his computer and watch his television.

This, alone, makes me think that even though I am Californian, we will still get along.

Well, that, and I gave him 200 bucks as a bribe.

10 Things I learned:

10. Gumphood cares a lot about the apartment.

9. He is really good at Soulcaliber II.

8. He really cares about his girlfriend

7. He really cares that the other parties (other than him) are having a good time

6. He can be vague when pressed for answers.

5. He thought I was a chicken eating maniac. (I’m not)

4. When he makes plans, he usually keeps to them

3. He’s a good person to talk to in the wee hours.

2. He has the movie “Elizabeth” which impressed me.

1. He can drive stick shift.

Up on deck: “Ready”

so I’m getting a pap smear this tuesday. WHOO HOO!!! I’m so excited. It’s been a while since anyone that hasn’t been me has been down there. (Ha, ha, ha. There’s some sad but true humor there)

Anyway, I’m excited because I’m getting my first physical in like, 6 years. I’m going to talk to my doctor about my lack of energy and weight loss. Dude, I’ve got to get my act together and for some reason, I have no motivation. Well, I think about it but I hate the fact that it takes somebody to hurt my feelings to lose weight. I want to lose weight because I’m concerned about my health and such but I guess I’m not really concerned because I still love to sleep all day. Hmmm….

In other news, going to a football party tomorrow. I love that shit. I haven’t been to a football party in ages. I love the competition, the excitment, the energy, and the screaming drunks. Sueprbowl is especially notorious for its commercials. I remember we used to talk all over the game but when the commercials came on…”SHUT UP EVERYONE! It’s the commercials!” and everyone would shut up. It’s such a bizarre phenomenon.

anyway, I had a silly subject to talk about but I forgot it. So I’m going to go to sleep now. cause sleep is the shit yo.

Oh, and what the fuck people? What do I have to do to convince you guys to watch PUNCH DRUNK LOVE with me? I can’t believe I watched BARBERSHOP instead of PUNCH DRUNK LOVE. Goddamnit! swindled again!