Month: June 2003

Things I did today:

went to work
clean my room after I got home from work (which has been sloppy for the past month)
did my laundry
alphabetized my dvds
made my bed
update this diary as we speak

Things I want to do today:

watch my new dvd “Punch Drunk Love”
finish another chapter of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe”
finish the book “Don’t sweat the small stuff on losing weight”
go to the movie theater and watch the new music video that is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”
eat dinner

Thing I have to do today that I have been avoiding:

Finish my script. (1st draft)


It’s interesting how old habits don’t die. When I was school and I had a script due, I would completely procrasinate and say things like “Oh, I can’t really concentrate if that sweater is on the floor” “Oh, I should really catch up on my correspondence” “Hmm…I should look on amazon and see if there is any ben folds cds I don’t have” but..anything to avoid me typing up a script. Then its 2 hours before the deadline and I’m typing like a madman.

Anyway, I think I got all of the “distracting” factors out of the way so right after I’m done with this entry, I will start typing my piece of crap.

DAMN YOU SCRIPT! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Okay, I think I’m done procrastinating.

It’s interesting how you can be bored all these weekends and not do a damn thing or say “I should really…do my laundry” but you don’t do shit but with a deadline looming, things seem much more pertinent.

Okay, okay, I’m digressing.

Oh…computer guy just called.. It’s okay, it’s only 6:45 p.m….I have until midnight west coast time to finish this….

hey, I should really download some more songs…..

So call me a geek, dweeb, nerd if you want to but..

I actually went to a Harry Potter Book Releasing Party over at Border’s on Friday night. Got the book around 2:00 a.m., got home around 3:00 a.m….so excited that I read the book around 4:00 a.m. and then went to bed.

HOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SINCE I’VE BOUGHT
HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX (the phoenix…. the phoenix….the phoenix…echo…echo…echo…)

10. I actually have something to do on Friday night (woah!! I’m indicating the party)

9. I finished the book today. This entailed:

1 hour on Friday
6 hours on Saturday
5 hours on Sunday
1 lunch hour on Monday
1 workout hour on the stationary bike at the gym.

8. As some of the fans know, a character dies in the book. I actually reached this part of the book when I was riding the stationary bike at the gym. Now let me ask you this…what the hell was I supposed to do? I could feel the tears beckoning to be released from my eyes as I read about the death…but also, how EMBARRASSING would it be to found crying at the gym??? So, to calm myself down, I read a past chapter when the character was still alive. I’m such a dork. But, I could feel the hard knot in my throat! DAMN YOU HARRY POTTER! DAMN YOU! Actually…DAMN YOU VOLDEMORT DAMN YOU!!!!

7. This weekend was actually quite a busy one for yours truly and usually I welcome the “life” or having one but I found myself very irritated this weekend. All I wanted to do was go home and finish the damn book. I think that book has eye heroin.

6. At the book release party, I was waiting for my number to be called (I was number 573 and there was about 1,000 people there, so my spot wasn’t TOO bad) and I heard somebody call my name.

My dreaded nightmare. To be at a Harry Potter book release party and to see someone you know.

And who did I see?

None other than a guy I used to have a crush on in my junior year of college.

Interestingly enough, he’s a bit shorter than I remember him, gained a significant amount of weight and wasn’t that cute. This, of course, gave me a boost of confidence and I flirted with him and his friend(s) mercilessly. I’m terrible.

Turns out he’s a big time pothead and went to UCLA to study History (now THAT was a surprised. He wanted to be a film critic in high school) Anyway, he is still cute so I had fun talking to him even though when he first called my name, I tried to hide behind a Paul Walker magazine.

5. Since I have just finished the book…I feel like I have no meaning in life…because it was something I looked forward to doing. Now, it’s over. goddamnit. It’s like a double edged sword…wanting to finish it so badly and after finishing it…you wish you were just beginning. It’s a lot like sex I think.

4. Even MORE interestingly enough, I get a call from one of my friends in the East Coast. He calls around midnight, which I don’t mind at all (I don’t mind getting calls at anytime really…because at least SOMEONE is calling me..and I get to hear Hiro’s song ring when they call…tee hee) but…it was like 3 in the morning his time.

“John?”
“Sharon! How the hell are you?”
“John, isn’t it like three in the morning there? Not that I mind the phone call…”
“It sure is!”
“Are you DRUNK?”
“I sure am!!”

ahahahahahaha. that cracks me up.
His friend also wanted to talk to me. Things he said that were quite entertaining:

“My penis is so huge, it wraps around my waist”
“Eh, you must be a lesbian” (what?)
“I expected your voice to be a lot higher” (what?)

Needless to say, with the new Harry Potter book coming out, talking to two drunk guys on the phone and running into an old high school crush, it must almost too much to stand.

Now my life is going to be boring again.

I think I’m going to read the third and fourth book. I want to be excited again.

P.S. Has anyone seen Computer Guy? because I haven’t. ahahahaha

Do you have an on-again, off-again girlfriend?

(If so, please discard form)

Name:

Age:

Height:

Phone(s):

Eye Colour:

1. What does the word “vernacular” mean?

2. In the equation PV=nRT, please name each of the variables.

3. Blowjob: impeachable offense? yes or no?

4. What are your ten FAVORITE movies RIGHT NOW?

(If Drop Dead Fred is on list, please discard form)

5. Which would you prefer? A girlfriend who is:

sexy or cool?

funny or sophisticated?

passive or aggressive?

intelligent or social butterfly?

on top or doggie style?

6. Have you been in therapy? (If yes, please explain. If no, please explain)

7. How much do you earn (approximately) in a year? [This answer does not mean you may be disqualified, rather, an indication of how much will be needed on the employer’s part]

8. What is the most creative (not necessarily romantic) thing you have done for another girl? [If answer is involves roses, chocolate or dinner, please discard this form)

9. Are you religious? [If Mormon, please discard this form]

10. How many times a week is an adequate amount? (If less than 3, please discard this form)

11. Who is your favorite comic?

12. Please list these shows in order of brilliance:

Jackass

South Park

Futurama

Friends

X-Files

13. George Carlin is:

a.) The 31st president

b.) A diplomat from France circa 1932

c.) One of the founding fathers of profanity/profane controversy

d.) The inventor of the Pet Rock

14. Please list this in order of importance:

acne

warts

cellulite

haliotosis

excess hair

15. sex before relationship or relationship before sex?

16. Astrological sign and what it means to you.

17. a.)Can you read? (If not, please discard this form)

b.)If so, what do you usually read?

18. It is 8:15 p.m. and you are due to meet me at 8:30 p.m. The place we are meeting is more than 30 miles away. What do you do?

a) Go home. It will take too long. Call back tomorrow and treat me to a nice breakfast to make up for the missed appointment.

b) Call and say you are running late…about an hour late due to traffic

c) Suggest to meet somewhere else at 8:30 p.m.

d) Masturbate. What the hell are you supposed to do? It’s hopeless.

19. The film American Psycho: What do you think it is REALLY about?

20. Please write a short essay:

21. How often do you smoke marijuana/do drugs (if answer is daily, please discard form)

* Please draw a picture of yourself.

***********************************************************

Official Boyfriend Disclaimer/Release Form:

COMES NOW, Applicant _______ (initial here) state under penalty of perjury that I am a relatively cute guy of sound mind and body, am under no legal infirmities or incarceration, not presently subject to any present/current marriages in the United States and elsewhere.

FURTHER, if called to testify to court, will indicate under law that I am a U.S. Citizen or have green card and not looking for a ticket to America.

HENCEFORTH, I am ecstatic to be considered for the position of “Boyfriend of Sharon” that I cannot eat nor sleep until this application is under submission. I understand the terms and agreements of being the “Boyfriend of Sharon” and am fully aware the high demand and necessity from other prospective suitors. I further fully understand that Sharon will only take one boyfriend at a time from the millions of applications/submissions received. Moreover, I understand that I am willing to take the chance and the mere opportunity to be considered, even if not chosen to be said BOYFRIEND, is gratitude enough for forever and a lifetime*

THEREFORE, I, the undersigned, waive all right against lawsuits, attorneys’ fees, damages, costs, resentments, jealous rages, demands and liabilities that I may now or hereafter have against Sharon in connection with the use of the rights granted herein.

Dated:

Name:

Witness:

Men are like … Laxatives …They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like … Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like … Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like … Coffee …. The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up
all night long.

Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say. (bastards)

Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like …. Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like …. Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like …. Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many
inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Men are like … Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like … Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

***Computer guy blew it. He said he would make it up to me and that he is “soooo good at making up” but he probably meant making things up.

Whatever. It’s going to be something mighty spectacular to unmake his blowing it.

I’ve been treated better by shrimp.

Soul mates. It’s hard to believe that there is one person for you and only you and I didn’t believe in sould mates…until I saw Siegfried and Roy. I mean, one gay liontamer meets another gay liontamer? SOUL MATES!–some stand up comedian I saw on Comedy CentralNote to reader: I watch a LOT of stand up comedy. A LOT.2. I feel sorry for bisexuals. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Jesus, think of all the phone numbers you’d come home with. Might as well walk around with the white pages under your arm.–George Carlin, from his book Napalm and Silly Putty (get it)3. Convo with WilburMe: Talk to me until Computer guy calls back.Wilbur: What, you’re over me?Me: Yes. This train has sailed.Wilbur: I don’t know about this. I might be jealous now.Me: Oh, will you shut up.Wilbur: So, that’s it? You’re over me?Me: Dude, I like people fast, I fall out of like with people fast. Deal with it.Wilbur: Don’t deny it never happened!!Me: What happened? Wilbur: Whatever. Convo with Wilbur 2Wilbur: So what happened on the date?Me: We had dinner. We talked all night. He put his hand on my leg.Wilbur: Sounds good.Me: I was like…ooh, his hand is on my leg. I don’t know what he said because I just kept thinking “his hand is on my leg, his hand on my leg” Needless to say, it was exciting. Wilbur: Oh, you have a new guy. Yes! Finally got rid of her!Me: What?Wilbur: Nothing.Me; You are such an asshole.Wilbur: Excuse you, who wanted to see who for lunch today?Me: You’re still a bastard. So tell me about YOUR date.Wilbur: well…(enter ellipsis here)4. I am staying up until I finish my email to kerbang. I keep putting that off…but I’m scared that it won’t be funny enough for the great brain that is Kerbang. Oh well. 5. Gump said I was funny and cute. It made me feel like Crystal-Fresh Drinking Water…you know, Sparkletts.6. One day I’m going to write a serious paper about the properties of corn and why it doesn’t digest in your system. This is a serious problem people– because everytime people say they ate corn and then they need to go crap…I get vivid picture in my head. This is NOT good.7. My friend “Tallulah” called me the other day and asked me about Planned Parenthood. I told her that I’ve been there and got HOOKED UP. Planned Parenthood…man, that place is CRAZY–condoms up the wazoo, birth control and whatnot. (Reader, please be advised that I went 6 months ago, this is not a recent trip. Just keeping you apprised of the visit status) I walked away from PP with birth control, condoms, lube, vagina blocking strip thingy (like I was REALLY going to mess with that) and the morning after pill. So I was telling Tallulah this (she wanted to get birth control) but her man was in town NOW. I said she could have whatever I had –because it is not like I was going to use it anytime soon. So she wanted the morning after pill.Tallulah calls me the next day and says she is going to definitely need the morning after pill. “How many times you do it?” and she said “ten times”TEN TIMES!!!! WHAT THE?!!?! DOES THAT EXIST?! This man must be a superman of sorts. But Tallulah said she wanted to get it out of her system before her man left again. But TEN TIMES …IN A SPAN OF 24 HOURS? You are talking to girl who had the night of one time. ONE. COUNT THAT…ONE!8. What ever happened to Right Said Fred? You know that bald guy that said “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…so sexy it hurts” I think he could’ve been at least a TWO hit wonder. I think he was misadvertised.9. My sexoscope: “The Romantic Dreamer” (July 12 – July 21)Sex with a person born during these ten days is supremely satisfying experience. Often prone toward depression and despair, sex is the perfect antidote for this secretive sign. Sex silences their preoccupation with death–from your first date onward they’ll worry about losing you–because it reminds them that first and foremost, we were put here to live.Open this Cancer’s eyes to the brighter side of the world and you’ll have a lover who will never leave you, a friend who will listen to all your dreams and desires, and an unbelievably tough cooke who will share the weight of the world with you.Uh-huh…whatever the book said (If you guys want your sexoscope, drop a note and I’ll retype whatever the book says)Second look at Sexoscope:Five Surefire Ways to Break the Ice with CancerCancer Woman:1. Talk about kids — yours, hers, or just rug rats in general (with me, I’ll just tell you how much I hate them.)2. Ask her out to an opera or other classy musical event (If Ben Folds is classy, I’m in. But I once watched an Opera and because I forgot my glasses and couldn’t read the subtitles, I fell asleep)3. Mention a cause you back (preferably something concerning animals or children) —Okay, this sexoscope thing makes me sound like a total wuss. I prefer if you mention an instrument you play ( and NO! not the skin flute) or a book you read….is this the same thing?4. Mention a person problem (<— okay, I agree with this. I tend to be a pretty good listener..when I’m not talking of course)5. To totally freak her ass out, give her a serenade outside her bedroom window: She’ll act embarrassed but secretly she’ll love it even if you’re off-key. (This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I love that shit but I won’t say that. I’ll just be totally embarrassed)*10. Schrodinger’s Cat:A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom doesn’t decay, the cat live. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive. –Erwin Schrodinger’s Cat Paradox, 1935Apollo’s Non-Apple Non-Strudel:Imagine Apollo running backward around the rings of Saturn while holding a hot dish of apple strudel. In another universe, connected only by a wormhole, is a dollop of vanilla ice cream. The vanilla ice cream will move inexorably toward the wormhole and be dumped onto the strudel. Yet wife swapping is still frowned upon in many countries.The Feynman Dilemma:A diner says to a waiter, “What’s this fly doing in my soup?” and the waiter says, “It looks like the backstroke.” Yet if the same scene is viewed while plunging into a black hole at the speed of light, it will look like a Mickey Mouse lunch pail from the thirties, except that Mickey’s head has been replaced by a Lincoln Penny.–Both Apollo’s Non-Apple Non-Strudel and The Feynman Dilemma is from Steve Martin’s book, PURE DRIVEL. This book is HILARIOUS. Get it. NOW I SAY!!Sharon’s 10 things that she thought about today. That, and how computer guy blew it of course. 🙂

“I have no sympathy for ‘single dads.’ Most of these guys got married because they wanted steady pussy. Well, steady pussy leads to steady babies and steady babies tend to cut down the pussy. SO, once the novelty wears off, the marriage disappears. Single dads. Big fuckin’ deal.”

–George Carlin (Napalm and Silly Putty)

When I was in high school, I once said I would never:

a) smoke cigarettes
b) try drugs
c) have sex before 25
d) date a guy I didn’t really like

Unfortunately AND fortunately, I have broken every one of those rules.

I can’t really change anything but I do not do either b, (can’t take back C) or D anymore. I sort of developed something called standards.

But that is not the point of this entry. The point is, I smoke cigarettes.

It is not a vice I am particularly proud of, but for some strange reason (and it is not because I am addicted to nicotine) I can’t find a reason to quit.

I don’t smoke like chimney either. People are actually quite surprised when they see me light up a cigarette because I do not do often in front of people–let me rephrase–in front of people who don’t smoke.

Last weekend, I went to a co-workers place to help her garden (read: pull weeds) and I forgot my cigarettes at home. Oh, well, I guess I will not smoke. I felt a craving for like 5 minutes but got over it (must be the nicotine thing) but when I was there and I took a break, Debe’s husband asked “You don’t smoke, do you?” and I opined that I did but he seemed very surprised. Must be the “innocent” look.

I went on a road trip with Kerbang and Kerbang does not like smokers and made it very clear– So I made it a point not to smoke in front of him out of respect. However, they were several times during the road trip where I wanted to smoke a cigarette and Kerbang handed me a piece of gum, which in fact, satisfied my craving.

I have never smoked in front of computer guy. Do I worry about him judging me? Maybe. But, the fact of the matter is that I don’t really want to in front of him. I don’t know why.

So, I think about quitting every now and then but then I think, I really don’t have a reason to. I think I smoke because 1. to piss off my parents 2. for boredom 3. to have something in my mouth that is not food. I don’t worry about cancer or emphysema or anything because…I guess I don’t care. I don’t care enough to stop.

However, I care enough not to smoke in front of a cute computer guy. So, I think, inadvertently, the more time we spend together, the less smoking I will do.

It happens sometimes. It happened with the last guy I was with (I didn’t smoke for a couple of months) but when things went downhill with him, I smoked like there was no tomorrow.

My theory is, I don’t smoke when I am happy or I enjoy the company I am with.

I tend not to like my own company sometimes.

I don’t know. Maybe if somebody asked me to stop smoking…maybe I would.

Does anyone have any good non-cliche reasons to stop smoking?

P.S. This has nothing to do with smoking, but I guess to make up for not talking to me over the weekend, computer guy called seven times today. Wow.

1. To ask me out for dinner (couldn’t make it)
2. To ask me what my plans were after dinner
3. Getting back to my last phone call
4. To tell me he was at Fry’s Electronics buying equipment.
5. To tell me he was waiting in line at Fry’s (hee hee)
6. To tell me he had the hardest time writing a check at Fry’s.
7. From the freeway …just to talk about nothing.

I feel silly about talking about nothing pretty darn good about it too.

I still think, though, like we will never see each other again (he disagrees)…I think I forgot what he looked like. Is he even cute anymore? (ahahahaha. I”m being dramatic)

Man, this is a long entry. I should really start writing my damn scriptola.

I have insomnia.

So I turn on the television and lo and behold, on Leno is Howard Dean.

I have to say, with his interview he

1. makes Bush look like a dumbass
2. has a great sense of humour
3. is a great person to interview.

I was quite taken with him.

Anyway, afterwards was a performance with Lyle Lovett. Dude, didn’t he date Julia Roberts back when she had pretty thick eyebrows? Wait, that was Kiefer Sutherland.

I think I am going to watch Independence Day, the plotline should knock me out.

My life is boring as hell.

Congratulations Florida, you are no longer the nat ational embarrassment. The national embarrassment crown now belongs to California.

I took my friend Tyler out to an improv comedy show tonight (he has never been) for his birthday. Man, I just totally fell in love with one of the improvers.

I have a thing with improvers.

Anyway, I’m thinking of joining such a troupe (as in, taking a class) at this point, I sort of want to take it so I can see this deliciious man or to have a cool hobby. I think I’ll try for the cool hobby.

I once dated a guy who did improv comedy (he trained at Upright Citizen’s Brigade) but he turned out to be a freak– that might be the catch.

Guys are fun. I can’t wait to date more of ’em in my future and to manipulate them to be my love slaves.

Random sidenote: When Tyler and I were talking tonight, I asked him who he hung out with now since his girlfriend moved to Santa Cruz for college (and I talked to her the other day, “Dude, Santa Cruz is LIBERAL. LIKE WAAAAY LIBERAL. It’s a little hard to deal”) and two of his best friends (other than yours truly) have moved to San Francisco and Maryland. Like, me and this guy Archie are the only ones left.

I asked Ty if Archie knew who I was and Ty said “totally”.

Really?

Tyler told me a story that Archie told him….a long time ago when Archie was dating a classmate of mine, we went to a picnic/party of some sort.

The guys were playing football. Me, being the one to prove I’m just as good as any guy, volunteered to play football with the guys.

I was receiver. Archie was on my team. I was getting a long long pass. I was running, screaming “I got it! I got it!” And so I did.

In the face.

And of course, I got the biggest laugh out of the picnic party. But I don’t mind because I am willing to embarrass myself at the expense of a good laugh.

I totally forgot about this story till Tyler retold it to me. And ever since then, Archie has never forgotten to me. Great, I will be the girl who got hit with a football in the face.

In 7th grade, I once had a soccer ball hit my face and break my glasses (oh and yes, I had the taped glasses for three days. It was miserable). Tennis balls hitting me? Forget about it.

I guess I’m just a person who attracts balls to her face.