Month: February 2003

You know what I wish they had in drug form?

The feeling of a great conversation with a close friend.

I’ve actually had three really great conversations in the past 24 hours.

Last night, one of my closest girlfriends, Kathleen, called me last night to ask about my work-in-progress script and we ended up talking for several hours about life, love, and people. It was an awesome conversation.

Today at I had lunch with one of my best friends, Tyler. I remember when we were contemplating about being roommates one time and my friend Karen was saying “Oh, you guys would NEVER leave the house because you would be talking all night”…this is probably true. I was half an hour late from my lunch break because Tyler and I were talking in the parking lot for a long time. Tyler is awesome for tons of reason but I think the two reasons I really admire him is because 1. he’s probably one of the very very few people who has his head and life together. He’s probably the most mature guy I know and 2. he’s intellectually stimulating. He constantly gives my intelligence a run for the money. On the flipside, though, we can joke about the stupidest things.. I think a person who can relate to you on both of those levels is a friend you need to keep for the rest of your life.

The last awesome conversation I had just a couple of hours ago with my friend Stacey. We went for dinner at a Thai place in Hillcest and we just couldn’t stop talking. We have SO much in common its scary.

One of the conversations we had (which I will elaborate here) was about a short conversation I had with an individual who was telling me who my faults were. Simply, because she has the same faults.

That was a…let’s say…interesting conversation. He was critiquing things about me that I actually like about myself but he put it in a negative tone. He was telling me the reasons why I can’t maintain a relationship. What he said was true but I like those characteristics about me and since he thought they were negative aspects…I don’t know how I think of him as a friend per se.

First of all, he said one of the reasons I have trouble dating is because I’m a guarded yet open person. I absolutely agree with him. I remember in high school, I was pretty much friends with everyone and was very open and very social. Unfortunately, people tend to take advantage of a person like that and I did not like that and so I stopped. Now I’m perceived (and this is true) a person who doesn’t make friends to fast or easily which explains my “guarded yet open” nature. Now, I don’t have trouble divulging information about myself but I’m not one to volunteer information. If somebody has a true interest about who I am as a person, I feel they would ask questions about myself and attempt to open me up. Once you open me up and gained my trust, you have it forever. Granted, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing to do but it’s something, I believe, if you care about me, something you would invest time in. So many times, I believe, people tend to want your company just to have you to be there and fill the space for the sake of filling the space, just for the sake of having your company. A lot of times, what I’ve observed, a person is not really listening to you.. they are waiting for you to finish until they can talk again. Further, I’ve noticed that they don’t notice when you’ve started a story or finished it and I’m thinking, he just looks interested and he sounds interested but he just likes the fact that someone is there for him to look and sound interested. Does that make sense? Most of the time, I like to sit and ask questions about a person to understand his or her nature. MOST of the time, the person just thinks I’m asking questions for the sake of asking questions but in actuality, I’m fascinated with human nature and behavior and I feel I know a person from what he’s saying versus what his body language and actions really reveal.

This individual also said I’m constantly asking questions and why do I ask this? and why do I ask that? Why am I constantly question? He made it sound like it was an annoying trait of mine. I actually like that quality about myself. I remember reading a book and the character was constantly questioning things. I believe that you shouldn’t take what society or what people give you. Question authority. Question their actions. Question their motives. It really gives insight to who a person is. And truly, if I’m constantly asking you questions I’m observing two things: it is because I am truly fascinated and/or studying behavior that may seem contradictory to your actions or I am truly interested in you as a person, as a soul, as an active energy in the universe. (That sounds new-age) but it’s true. The other thing I notice is whilst I’m asking all these questions, do they know that I am diverting their attention from THEM asking questions about me? A lot of the times, they don’t and that reveals to me that they aren’t really interested in ME as a person because they are not reciprocating with their own questions about who I am as a person. It shows me that they’re not really interested in knowing what makes me tick or it shows that they think they know enough and they don’t want to delve into any more than what is presented to them and a lot of times, if you just ask, I will tell you everything and anything you want to know. Some people don’t bother with that journey.

Well, when the person who told me that I was constantly questioning things and gave an inclination that it was annoying, it showed me that he really didn’t appreciate who I am as a person and that’s fine. It just gave me revelation that a person who I want to be involved in my life (friendship, dating or otherwise) would appreciate my inquisitive nature and actually encourage it. My bestest friends now are just as inquisitive as I am and welcome my challenges. Kathleen (kay) when were alone together, constantly questions my actions and my thoughts and why I would think that way and I LOVE IT. She makes me examine myself in perspectives I wouldn’t notice before if she didn’t bring it up. Tyler is the same way. He’s always “why are you doing this?” or “are you sure that’s the way you want to go?” and he’s not questioning my decisions but my thoughts and motives behind things I do and I value him for that. But, gratefully, when this person told me about my constant inquisitive nature, it just revealed to me that something I seek in friendships/dating/otherwise is someone who will bring the challenge as much as I bring it to them.

Hmmm.. what else. Oh, he also said that I try to intellectually “one-up” a guy. That may be true but, what I don’t think he understands, is that I don’t do that on purpose. I don’t walk around saying “hmm…let me see if I can one-up this guy.” Again, I like intellectual stimulation and I like people who can keep up. Sure, it might be a way of testing them but here’s what I noticed…I never have anyone complain about this back in New York. Back on the east coast, people like that challenge and encourage it. I remember a friend of mine who said “You know what are one of the things I love about you? Everytime we hang out, I will learn and see things in a new perspective. I know that I will walk away thinking how I’m glad that people like you exist.” That was a great compliment (i blush). But I was glad he said that because it showed a lot more about him than about me.

Finally, he said that I get into bed with boys too fast. and “How do you expect to start/maintain (I don’t remember the exact word he used) a relationship?” (Wish I sort of knew that before we… blankety blank. )Hmmm.. that might be true but it is certainly something I’m not ashamed of. I guess what he didn’t see is that first of all, I never touched a guy until I was 21…this entails holding hands with a guy, kissing a guy…etc. Second of all, if someone is going to judge on me on how fast I get into bed with him, then it’s probably better that I don’t get into a relationship with him because anyone who judges my physical actions versus the other qualities I can bring to a relationship is probably somebody not worth getting into a relationship with. I have never given myself rules about getting physically intimate wiht someone. As if I wait for 4 months is going to make a big difference versus waiting 4 days. Personally, to me, it doesn’t make that big of difference because being emotionally involved is something I’m more concerned with than being physically intimate. I’m one of those people who needs to be physically intimate before I can be emotionally intimate. If somebody sleeps with me and still wants to invest time to be emotionally involved with me, it shows a lot about how much that person actually cares about me. Now if a guy slept with me and wasn’t interested in me or just wanted to string me along for a bit (emotionally), he would much more likely do it for a shorter length of time than waiting to get me into bed and giving this facade of being interested in me and finding out after he slept with me that “oops! I didn’t mean for you to take it that way.” I find it much more comforting for someone who admits that he wants to sleep with me and that’s it versus someone who puts a front that they like me but in actuality wants to sleep with me. Anyway, if you both like each other, you KNOW you’re probably going to do it in the future and if both of you are on the same page in that respect, does it matter how long you wait?

Anyway, he also called me predictable and typical and I feel if he knew me as much as he thinks he does, he would know that yes, a lot of mundane things I do are predictable and typical but a lot of decisions I make about the bigger aspects in my life are anything but predictable and typical. That’s the greatest thing about human nature: you have the option to grow and change and to be two mutually exclusive characteristics that seem contradictory but actually make you a well-rounded and original individual. Yes, I’m predictable about the movies I watch and typical about the clothes or things I say but stick around long enough and get to know me and you will find that I will surprise you. I still surprise a lot of my close friends today.

So, what’s the lesson for the day? Anything that a person perceives as negative about you is probably a person who didn’t delve deep enough to get to know how these negative aspects make you a great person or how these negative aspects are actually quite positive to another person. Of course, I’m talking about the aforementioned characteristics but there are some negative aspects (like killing somebody or something like that) that are just negative.

And for all you people are still reading my ramblings about myself and such and still want to know more: I have been lied to, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve been the “other woman”, I’ve been sexually abused, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve been called fat and undisciplined because I cannot lose the weight, I’ve gotten my heart broken, I’ve had people leave me, I’ve been called a “fucking bitch”, I’ve run away from home, I’ve taken many drugs, I’ve been chastised, I’ve been teased, I’ve had friends make a list “Things we hate about Sharon” (and I found it), I’ve had people drop me for a boyfriend and come back to me when they’ve broken their heart, I’ve been called cold, I’ve been called withdrawn, I’ve been called intimidating, I”ve lost a friend over money, I’m bossy, I’ve known to not to have kept my mouth shut when I should, I’ve been called blunt and cruel. I’ve been said to be too picky. I”ve been told to “dumb down” as not to scare off guys.

But also, I know that I’ve been loved, I’ve had one person show up for me when nobody else would, I’ve had friends give me money when I was going to be kicked out of school, I’ve had someone take me in when I’ve run away, I’ve had a psychologist, I’ve made my father cry when he saw I slit my wrists, I’ve had my sister stay up with me all night to make sure that I wake up, I’ve been called talented, I’ve been called genuine, I’ve been called talented, I’ve been called a comic genius (thanks john), I’ve been called dedicated, I’ve been called beautiful, I’ve been called an inspiration, I’ve been called sexy (thanks Mike, Charles, and Kevin), I’ve been dubbed as a role model to my sister, I’m a hard worker, I’ve been called ambitious, I’ve been told that I would be and am successful, I’ve been called generous, I’ve been called intelligent (several people once said I was the smartest woman they have ever met and in my ‘low self image’ I always say “gee, you must not know a lot of women”), I’ve been called intellectually stimulating (thanks tyler) I’ve been dubbed as observant and I’ve been cared for.

All these things about me that I know and I’m sure there are so much more I haven’t touched on has made me this crazy complex individual who is a part of your lives. (corny!) Thus far, I am still alive and thus far, I’m one of the strongest and weakest person I know.

And you can’t handle that, if it’s too much…then why are you reading my journal?

God, I’m so egocentric. (heh heh heh) Sorry if I disgusted you in all my self-absorbness and observations. Wait till I observe ANOTHER person. It’s much worse.

I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve only been breathing through one nostril since like Tuesday. This is very annoying.

So, I’ve been using Nyquil to kill it but it hasn’t worked yet! I’ve also been using Actifed in the daytime and it works but once it wears off…it doesn’t work!

Nyquil has been killing me every night but last night it had the opposite effect…I kept waking up at every hour of last night. It blows.

Hmmm…Single Awareness Day aka Valentine’s Day. I can honestly say that this is the first year I really truly don’t give a damn. Wait a minute…what did I do last year? Oh…yeah…I sent the boy I was infatuated with (at the time) my xxxxxxxxxxx. tee hee. I can’t believe I did that. I must of been on drugs…or just plain stupid. I think it scared the bejesus out of him. oh well, his loss.

Anyway, I went to watch Daredevil today with a girlfriend. The thing I hate about movies and their comic strip counterparts is the formula. There is a specific PREDICTABLE formula that is followed with superheros. W (the girl I went with) was saying they should have a cupcake man who throws cupcakes and you fall asleep or you have insatiable hunger and start eating things around you and then he meets the love of his life…bad image girl…she gives people a bad image that they feel they must be thin and/or anorexic… hence, when she meets cupcake boy/chef, she starts to eat (for the sake of love) BUT she loses her superpowers because she actually gains weight and is happy. I don’t know. I was busting up in the car of W’s concoction though. I want a happy ending for a superhero thingy. Hmmph!!

Oh what else? Oh, I got quite a few valentine’s this year… and let me tell you…they were all from (for the exception of one) east coast boys. I’m telling you, east coast boys are the shiznit. Thank you. They never forget their friends.

Anyway, I’m off to read the best of the onion. I got it at Barnes and Noble…a neat 3 book set. More details later yo.

Sharona

p.s. should I take nyquil again tonight???